There are some movie genres that don’t fit into any of the traditional labels. Sometimes it’s just not enough to call a film a “drama”, “comedy”, or “thriller”. While some would think “gambling” films are more about the subject matter rather than being its own genre, they couldn’t be more wrong. Gambling films deserve their own category in and of itself.

They are the perfect combination of drama, comedy, suspense, thriller, and action. They are character pieces with nail-biting suspense that portray the self-destructive inner psyche mentality better than most other films could ever dream of. We usually don’t even know who to root for if it’s done correctly. Much like you wouldn’t just call a sports film one of those bland characterizations suitable for only the latest “Tom Cruise is a [cocky] contract killer from the future” film, you shouldn’t try to stick these films into one of those boxes. And unlike it’s closest likeness, the sports film, watching the losers is usually more fun than watching the winners.

It was only prudent for The Movie Mind to put together a ranking for the best of this class. Don’t look for Two for the Money here, this list is only for the best of the best. [cue snide Matthew McConaughey remark] Now being rolled out like a two-way yo for the dealer:

The Movie Mind’s Best Gambling Movies of All-Time

15) California Split (1974)

Sometimes the influence of your partner in crime, or gambling, in this case, it what matters most. California Split has a mix of Tijuana, Reno, card games, races and casinos to land the ultimate round-tripper of the gambling world. These two lucky losers live on the edge and each push each other deeper in their own way. It’s a little known film but stands the test of time as a great one to watch if you’re looking to scratch that itch.

http://youtu.be/IzZ_ANWL_yM

14) Let it Ride (1989)

Richard Dreyfuss goes on a hot-streak at the horse tracks that people only dream about. Dreyfuss is the epitome of the racetrack regular. He likes booze and smokes like a chimney but the only thing he likes better is a hot tip on a pony that is a sure thing. Let it Ride is a worthy film to bear the gold standard of the ultimate bettors’ mindset.

http://youtu.be/cVnbiYHCb1A

13) Hard Eight (1996)

A box office flop, Hard Eight is an unheralded diamond in the rough with a stellar cast. Paul Thomas Anderson’s first film, he assembles John C. Reilly, Gwyneth Paltrow, Samuel L. Jackson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Philip Baker Hall. Are you freakin kidding me?

The young down on his luck gambler gets taken under the wing of an older pro who teaches him how to be a pro. Mix in a good love story and some underhanded dealings and you’ve got the recipe for a winner.

http://youtu.be/N5m6FrFsi8Y

12) Vegas Vacation (1997)

This is the most hysterical look at what it’s like to be caught by the gambling bug. There is no better character to illustrate it and make you cry from laughing then the one and only Clark W. Griswold. Clark basically forgets his family even exists just to go after that big win.

From Uncle Eddie enlightening Clark to the secrets of the off-the-strip Vegas buffet, to Nick Pappagiorgio; Wayne Newton to Wallace Shawn (the dealer who loves to mock Griswold; there is no end to the unforgettable scenes and journey through Vegas, Griswold style!

http://youtu.be/YDh0WKyKCR0

11) Bookies (2003)

Sometime after Roseanne and before The Big Bang Theory, Johnny Galecki was a college kid putting together a small-time bookmaking business. This little known and underrated film takes idea that every sports bettor has had to start their own book and plays it out with a few college kids.

We see the highs of the life when the money rolls in big, and the challenges of making it big when they rub the local crime bosses the wrong way. They respect the guys’ initiative but don’t lick their own pockets thinning out. There’s a decent little twist at the end that keeps the film interesting throughout.

http://youtu.be/k-rRx5ePVX4

10) The Cincinnati Kid (1965)

I’m no shill for the oldies, but The Cincinnati Kid belongs on this list despite its long ago lineage. Steve McQueen was, and is, the ultimate hustler and ladies’ man. He’s the young slick poker player long before Mike McDermott came around. He doesn’t have the same baggage, but he is a poker-protégé but he’s still got to beat the best to prove it. It’s fun watching the oldies to see how vastly different things are, while also realizing how the game itself is still about cards, betting, and bluffing.

http://youtu.be/VQcPFpHLGGY

9) The Sting (1973)

This film would have been ranked higher, but it’s more about a grand con then it truly is about gambling. Nonetheless, it’s a damn good movie. Paul Newman, Robert Redford, and Robert Shaw make a stellar team and with 7 Oscars (including Best Picture) on its resume, it’s hard to disagree.

http://youtu.be/773E6GPll3A

8) Casino (1995)

Let’s call it as it is…this film is a classic mob movie. Even though it’s not truly focused on gambling or the gambling mindset at its core, it still portrays it through the mindset of those in charge.

Another Scorsese classic with a stacked cast, we see the underbelly of the burgeoning Vegas-scene when it run entirely by the mafia and greased politicians.

http://youtu.be/ZN6mp2NjMhs

7) The Hustler (1961)

Paul Newman vs. Jackie Gleason. Fast Eddie Felson vs. Minnesota Fats. Felson’s immense talent vs. his own bravado and self-destruction. Newman is amazing in this oldie but goodie as the cocky know-it-all.

It may be a little dated, but it’s still got legs. Any good gambling flick has a great lead character with a strong internal conflict. This movie’s got it in spades. Newman is the ultimate talent who finds a way to be a loser. This laid the path for the follow-up to it 25 years later when The Color of Money came out.

http://youtu.be/jtnLUaGdXpI

6) Croupier (1998)

It’s rare for a gambling film to be shown from the perspective of the dealer, and not the player. We see how completely unglamorous it looks from their point of view when you see it every day, over and over. The monotony, the losers. If it sounds painful to watch, it’s just the opposite.

Clive Owen is a writer who takes a job as a dealer/croupier in a casino to make some money. Even the ones who watch the squares day in day out aren’t immune to the lure of the big payday. I’m not a huge fan of the British film genre, but this one is done right and has all the elements you look for in a great gambling movie.

http://youtu.be/O5qk4ybjWTc

5) The Color of Money (1986)

I might get burned at the stake for putting this ahead of its precursor, The Hustler, but this is a sensational film. Part gamble, part hustle, some sports, and all character driven since we never really know who is using who.

Maybe it’s that this version has an older, wiser, Paul Newman (still as Fast Eddie Felson) mentoring the young, brash, cocky Tom Cruise. Fast Eddie sees himself in Vincent (Cruise’ character) which is why he takes him under his wing to show him the finer points of hustling. But the overly cocky Cruise (surprise there) thinks he knows best. This is Cruise at his psycho Scientologist best, and along with some kickass cameos by a young Forest Whitaker and John Turtorro, it’s one of the best. As Fast Eddie told us all, “Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.”

http://youtu.be/ZrjSqK7xPLE

4) The Cooler (2003)

The film is named after William H. Macy’s character who is actually employed by the casino to cool down tables when they get too hot. Who would have thought that it paid to be a loser at the casino? Apparently it doesn’t, it only pays to be THE ultimate loser.

In a cruel twist of fate, Macy’s character loses his frozen touch when he gets a new love interest (Maria Bello) who also happens to be tied in to the casino owner (Alec Baldwin). The Cooler tends to be more about luck than gambling at times, but no other film does a better job of illustrating the full spectrum of being the ultimate loser, to having everything turn to gold.

http://youtu.be/HQiYT_AdGdU

3) The Gambler (1974)

James Caan is Alex Freed, a professor who gambles as much for the thrill of the loss as he does for the win. This is one of Caan’s best roles, and that’s saying a lot when you’re talking about the man who played Sonny Corleone.

A lot of films have aimed to be a great introspective into the mind of the gambler while also being a gripping mob flick. Not many have succeeded, but The Gambler is the gold standard.

Caan’s character, Freed, is truly hooked on sitting on the edge of each bet, knowing that he will keep digging himself deeper and deeper with each loss without any other way to climb out of it other than what got him there: to bet it all. He said it best when he explained, “I’m not going to lose it. I’m going to gamble it.”

http://youtu.be/7-jeWvB6xXo

2) Owning Mahoney (2003)

Based on a true story, Philip Seymour-Hoffman puts in what I believe is one of his greatest performances ever. This film set the standard for capturing the true obsession of the gambler, as opposed to many others that take the viewpoint of the gambler who is only out to strike it rich. Small-time Canadian banker Dan Mahowny was truly in it for the thrill of the chase.

Mahowny’s story ultimately led to one of the only times all Atlantic City casino were mandated to be shut down. That’s right, this quiet, reserved, Canadian dude who made around $30k per year at his banker job was the reason every AC casino was ordered to shut down. Mahaowny was asked what the most exciting part about gambling was, to which he responded, “Winning”. What was the next most exciting part? “Losing.” You can’t find a better lead character for one of the most gripping gambling stories ever told.

http://youtu.be/Hw-EYWlbyow

1) Rounders (1998)

“You tricked me. Check check check.” The Movie Mind may get flack for naming Rounders the best gambling movie of All-Time, but just like I believe Rocky IV ended the Cold War, Rounders spawned an entire poker-craze where squares everywhere aimed to be the next Mike McDermott. Unfortunately for them, 99% of players out there today are more like Worm.

The cast and script are absolutely amazing. I feel like all of the phenomenal actors all put in one of their best performances in this movie, from Damon, to Norton, Malkovich, Turturro…hell, I even remember acting legend Martin Landau for his role as Abe Petrovsky, the wise sage trying to steer McDermott right.

The film still lives on today as every internet poker player, every $2-$4 no-limit casino player, every red-blooded American looking to scratch that itch with some internet gaming at a site like FoxyBingo.com, dreamt about staring down Johnny Chan and re-raising him until he laid them down.

http://youtu.be/qv2C_m0D-gY

When you are an NFL team, there is so much detailed research and analysis that goes into selecting a college player in the annual draft that it can become overwhelming for us “regular” fans to keep up with. Even the most die-hard football crazy fans surely can’t watch as much game (and practice) tape on the hundreds of draft-eligible players. Even self-proclaimed draft “experts” like Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay, who make a living from analyzing draft picks, typically fall flat on their face many times with their analysis and predictions. Yet billion dollar corporations (teams) are about to invest mind-boggling sums of money in 21 year-old kids who like to run into each other as hard as they can. If the NFL Draft was a Wall Street investing strategy, it would be like Warren Buffet pouring his fortune into a twenty-something trust fund baby that calls himself a hedge fund. Nonetheless, these kids represent hope for a franchise and its fans that pay such keen attention that we can’t help but think we can do it better than those Warren Buffet’s of the draft world.

Instead of lining up with the rest of those pundits and wanna-be Kiper/McShays, I’d rather blaze my own trail and put forth a mock-draft that I KNOW those teams, owners, evaluators, and Kipers cannot possibly do better than I can. This Mock Draft is about what teams would do if the pool of draft-eligible players consisted solely of fictional movie characters. Most of you have seen these movies and since you are avid readers of FootballNation.com you are probably pretty knowledgeable about the game and players. Now let’s see how well you can merge the two-worlds together. Much like Tebow in Times Square, there’s going to some awkward moments. If you happen to agree with my prognostications or perhaps you feel more like former Colts GM Bill Tobin responding to Mel Kiper’s criticism of their first round pick in 1994 by saying, “Who the hell is Mel Kiper? My mailman knows more about the draft than he does”, I welcome your input regardless.

Movie NFL Mock Draft Criteria:The pool of players consists of any character from a movie with football as the main component in the plot. Characters that were based on real-life players are NOT draft-eligible. Much like the real NFL Draft, some positions have great depth and some do not. Each team’s positional needs will be addressed according to their glaring weaknesses from the 2011 season.

Selection to this team is based on a combination of the character’s “movie” ability (how talented the character is within context of the film), as well as the actor’s ability to represent a true football player.

This team includes all movies through March 2012. Without further ado…Mr. Commissioner:
“The Indianapolis Colts are on the clock.”

MOCK NFL MOVIE DRAFT

ROUND 1:

Pick #1: With the first selection, in the 2012 Mock Football Movie NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select…Frank Cushman (Jerry O’Connell), QB – Jerry Maguire.

This pick has been all but engraved in stone once the Horseshoes let their franchise player of the century and QB, Peyton Manning, walk. Question marks surround Cushman but most notably in the area of contract negotiations. He has changed agents in the draft process and shown a general lack of respect for dealing with teams. While he claimed he would either “surf or ski” when asked about where he would like to play, he’ll be doing neither and had better get focused on winning over some angry and bitter Colts fans as the franchise goes through a complete housecleaning in an effort to start anew. Only time will tell if it was the right move and it all depends on Peyton’s neck recovering from a nasty case of Cush-lash.
Draft Comparison: Andrew Luck, QB – Stanford
Upside Potential: Peyton Manning
Downside Scare: Ryan Leaf

Pick #2: [Washington Redskins – via trade] Willie Beamon (Jamie Foxx), QB – Any Given Sunday.

The man who calls himself “Steamin Willie Beamon” heads to Washington as Dan Snyder mortgaged the club’s future on his arm and mobility. He should step in on Day 1 and Mike Shanahan will love his flash, pizazz, and big-play ability. He presents endless opportunities when it comes to gameplanning. Criticisms are that he lacks the big-game preparation needed to step right in. Some have questioned his “guts” in pressure situations since at the Senior Bowl he was rumored to have yakked-up his lunch in the huddle before the first play. He’s a sick athlete who looks the part and also has the potential to back it up.
Draft Comparison: Robert Griffin III, QB – Baylor
Upside Potential: Cam Newton
Downside Scare: Alex Smith (pre-2011 season)

Pick #3: [Minnesota Vikings] Bud-Lite Kaminski (Abraham Benrubi), OL – The Program.

Pundits are calling Kaminski the “safest” bet at the tackle position and with his immense size, he sure has the look of a franchise left tackle. After protecting fellow first-round QB prospect Joe Kane (both on and off the field) for 4 years, he will be looking after the blindside of Christian Ponder this season. Interestingly enough, Ponder is rumored to have first attended to ESU prior to transferring to lookalike FSU. He has also managed to stay injury-free in his career, partially due to his moonlighting as an ER nurse. Critics have heard from old classmates who say he can be a big bully [a Source named “Parker Lewis” confirms these accusations and others question his laid back “yippee-kay-yi-yay, get along little doggie” style as too soft for the NFL.
Draft Comparison: Matt Kalil, OL - USC
Upside Potential: Jake Long
Downside Scare:Robert Gallery

Pick #4: [Cleveland Browns] Julian Washington (LL Cool J), RB – Any Given Sunday.

The Browns are considering WR here but have to pick the best player available which translates to a physical freak in Julian Washington. Since Cleveland lacks any real threats at all, they opt to build off the run game and not Colt McCoy’s arm. Washington is a big, strong, punishing back with breakaway speed with great hands for a big back. He does have some red flags in his past and can be viewed as somewhat of a “prima-dona”, but Cleveland should roll out the red carpet for him if he asks for it. He just keeps doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well. What else can you ask for?
Draft Comparison: Trent Richardson, RB – Alabama
Upside Potential: Adrian Peterson
Downside Scare: Shonn Greene

Pick #5: [Tampa Bay Buccaneers] Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding, Jr.), WR – Jerry Maguire.

Tidwell is a talent who recently has shown the ability to go over the middle for the tough catch after previously avoiding the middle of the field his entire career. Some scouts are down on his diva-like high-maintenance and constant talk about showing him the money. Rumor has it he’s already locked up an endorsement deal from the Mattress King in Tampa. Not the best first impression to make with future employers but Tampa Bay is desperate for weapons to help out Freeman. Since this year’s draft class of movies-err, players, is extremely thin at CB, TB has to go for the best available talent.
Draft Comparison: Justin Blackmon, WR – Oklahoma State
Upside Potential: Santana Moss
Downside Scare: Antwaan Randle El

Pick #6: [St. Louis Rams] Deacon Moss (Michael Irvin), WR – The Longest Yard.

In desperate need for a clear-cut impact wide receiver to help Sam Bradford, St. Louis needs to be extremely wary of Deacon Moss’ drug-riddled criminal past. I don’t know what’s more “red-flag” than plucking a guy out of the local prison league. He has HOF talent but could easily get run out of Goodell’s No-Fun-League in a heartbeat. St, Louis fans get the pleasure of witnessing the million-dollar speed he possesses, but unfortunately may get an even clearer picture of that ten-cent head of his.
Draft Comparison: Michael Floyd, WR – Notre Dame
Upside Potential: Braylon Edwards
Downside Scare: Charles Rogers

Pick #7: [Jacksonville Jaguars] Steve Lattimer(Andrew Bryniarski), DL – The Program.

Hoping to bolster their anemic pass rush, the Jags manage to get the premier stud in the D-Line crop in Steve Lattimer. He has an NFL attitude and physique, although it comes with plenty of red flags inckuding speculation of rampant use of performance enhancing drugs and a domestic abuse situation with a prior girlfriend. He has a high motor and is a freak in the weight-room, although critics say his toughness took a hit after giving up the final TD on a goal-line stand in his final game. None of the concerns were enough to sway the Jags who need him to step up right away as a starter and hope he doesn’t run afoul of the league’s revamped testing policy.
Draft Comparison: Quinton Coples, DE – North Carolina
Upside Potential: Mark Gastineau
Downside Scare: Mike Mamula

Pick #8: [Miami Dolphins] Joe Kane (Craig Sheffer), QB – The Program.

The Fins have been leaning towards taking a QB after failed attempts to have anyone not named Garrard or Moore behind center on opening day. Kane is a guy from a big-time college program but comes to the Fins with big-league problems already, having fought a drinking problem throughout his career. He might be a system QB and probably had more weapons in college than he will in Miami after they jettisoned Brandon Marshall, but as long as he manages the game and doesn’t turn the ball over he could be a steal. At this point even a motor-cycle riding alcoholic with girlfriend issues is a decent alternative to a guy who wasn’t in football a year ago and another guy who shouldn’t have been.
Draft Comparison:Ryan Tannehill, QB – Texas A&M
Upside Potential: Matt Schaub
Downside Scare: Chris Weinke

Pick #9: [Carolina Panthers] Switowski (Bob Sapp), DL – The Longest Yard.

The Panthers are searching high and low for something to bolster their brutal defense and get some kind of impact player along the D-Line. Look no further as they go all-in on a guy who looks like he could take on three blockers by himself. Switowski is a human anomaly with his size and athleticism, but he does sort of fit the bill of “looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane”. He’s already been called a workout warrior and never truly dominated the competition as he should have for someone his size leading experts to believe he’s a teddy bear trapped inside Teddy Atlas.
Draft Comparison: Dontari Poe, DL – Memphis
Upside Potential: Warren Sapp
Downside Scare: Glenn Dorsey

Pick #10: [Buffalo Bills] O.W. Shaddock (John Matuszack), OL/DL – North Dallas Forty.

After solidifying their defensive line in free agency by paying Mario Williams and Mark Anderson the equivalent to the gross nation debt of Guam, the Bills turn their attention to other side of the ball. An absolute beast that can actually play both sides of the line, the Bills will love his potential as a franchise tackle with the versatility to utilize him as a throwback two-way player. Like many others in this draft, there has been some talk about performance enhancing drug-use in his past so testing might be a concern. If it is all natural, his freakish strength that got him into the Strongman Competition will pose huge threat for opponents and Buffalo immediately has one of the best interiors in all of football.
Draft Comparison: Riley Reiff, OL – Iowa
Upside Potential: John Runyan
Downside Scare: Tony Madarich

Pick #11: [Kansas City Chiefs] Bobby Boucher Jr. (Adam Sandler), LB – The Waterboy.

This Boucher kid has definitely got a screw loose, or possibly more than one. For all the talk about his football smarts, he had the worst Wonderlic score in the history of the test by registering a solid “0”. Every answer he submitted read, “It’s the devil.” His short temper provided the motivation to be a sideline-to-sideline “high-motor” guy in college who single-handedly resurrected the worst football program in America. If he can channel that at the next level his potential is limitless. The trouble is that some worry about his level of competition and that his head may just explode at any point during a game. He’s a lock to draw more fines than James Harrison after drop-kicking a guy in a game once, but it’s still a worthwhile pick for the Chiefs defense that is turning into an elite unit.
Draft Comparison: Luke Keuchly, LB – Boston College
Upside Potential: Sean Lee
Downside Scare: Andy Katzenmoyer

Pick #12: [Seattle Seahawks] Manumana (Peter Navy Tuiasosopo), OL – Necessary Roughness.
A versatile player on the interior O-Line, the Samurai will be asked to shore up a unit that has to keep new acquisition Matt Flynn upright and in one piece if Pete Carroll plans to stick around. He has been called the safest pick in the draft along the interior line and should be a stalwart for at least a decade. He has showed incredible loyalty to teammates during his collegiate career, even serving as the enforcer for the kicker!Steven Hauschka has got to be pretty excited.
Draft Comparison: David DeCastro, OL – Stanford
Upside Potential: Kevin Mawae
Downside Scare: Toniu Fonoti

Pick #13: [Arizona Cardinals] Billy Bob (Ron Lester), OL – Varsity Blues.

Billy Bob has been groomed to be an offensive lineman since birth, and his physique tells the same tale. He is just plain hard to move and could be a potential road-paver for Beanie Wells. The Cards want to make sure they give Kevin Kolb a fair chance to succeed and in order to chuck it Larry Fitz’s way 15 times a game you need to be upright. He won’t be pulling around the end as a lead blocker too often since he’ll sweat gallons just by walking to the crapper in the desert heat. He possesses great football smarts though despite lingering concussion issues but since he’s about a French-crueler away from keeling over, trainers will be wary of his conditioning level.
Draft Comparison: Cordy Glenn, OL – Georgia
Upside Potential: Brian Waters
Downside Scare: Barry Richardson

Pick #14: [Dallas Cowboys] Joey Battle (Bill Goldberg), DL – The Longest Yard.

As they have been known to do, the ‘Boys ignore character concerns and go after physical freaks who flat out play. Battle looks like he was born with a star on the side of his clean-shaven dome and he will fit right in with the brash characters on these perennial underachievers. Some say he ran with Pacman back in the day, which is how he flew up so high on Dallas’ radar. The guy is a monster (in more ways than one…he wsn’t nicknamed “The Hammer” in the pokey for nothing) who is not afraid to use jail yard tactics to intimidate and ultimately dominate the game. If there was ever someone to draft an ex-con that looks like a pro wrestler, Jerry Jones is the man. Especially now without Al Davis around anymore he’s got to pick up the slack.
Draft Comparison: Melvin Ingram, DL – South Carolina
Upside Potential: Jared Allen
Downside Scare: Dan Wilkinson

Pick #15: [Philadelphia Eagles] Phillip Finch (Tab Thacker), DL – Wildcats.

Finch is a mammoth D-Lineman who also has incredible agility for his size as a former college wrestler (Tab Thacker actually did wrestle). He will shore up the developing D-Line in Philly and will be a force in the run game. A background check reveals a tendency toward gambling, on anything really, and should be a concern of the Eagles. He’d better go all-out on every play (which is not his forte) because I doubt the City of Brotherly Love will take too long in letting them know how they feel about slackers.
Draft Comparison: Fletcher Cox, DL – Mississippi State
Upside Potential: Phil Taylor
Downside Scare: Alan Branch

Pick #16: [NY Jets] Luther “Shark” Lavay (Lawrence Taylor), LB – Any Given Sunday.

The Jets are thrilled about Lavay falling this far as Rex and Mike Tannenbaum completely neglect the offensive side of the ball and go with the best player available. You couldn’t find more of a perfect fit for Rex than this loud-mouthed head-hunting wack job. Lavay has the ability and potential to “redefine” the DE/OLB position and will step right in make a huge impact by terrorizing QB’s across the league. There are concerns about some heavy drug-use in his past, but it is too much natural ability to pass up. It will be worth the price of admission just to watch Lavay and Tebow interact in the same lockeroom in a true good vs. evil matchup. That’s just the kind of circus Rex revels in.
Draft Comparison: Courtney Upshaw, LB – Alabama
Upside Potential: Shawne Merriman
Downside Scare: Courtney Brown

Pick #17: [Cincinnati Bengals] Megget (Nelly), RB – The Longest Yard.

Megget is a stout little guy who possesses uncanny speed, vision, and cutting ability. After letting go of Cedric Benson and replacing him with “The Law Firm”, Benjarvis Green-Ellis, Cincy looks to add depth and improve the RB spot with this pick. BJGE hasn’t shown the ability to be a feature back and Megget should complement him nicely.His struggle will be to figure out if he can handle the beating of the NFL but he shouldn’t spend too much time between the tackles anyway. A potential rap-gang related past could come back to haunt him in Cincy with that cast of crooks in the lockeroom. This time, instead of waiting for a player they drafted to go to jail, why not shake things up and just draft one out of there?
Draft Comparison: Doug Martin, RB – Boise State
Upside Potential: Michael Turner
Downside Scare: Travis Minor

Pick #18: [San Diego Chargers] Andre Krimm (Sinbad), OL – Necessary Roughness.

Krimm is a big dude who scouts say has an even bigger sense of humor. Now I’m not saying he’s actually all that funny, but scouts love his even-keeled demeanor and level head. He’ll need to find a bit more of a nasty streak at the next level to make an impact though. Either way San Diego is better off than they were before selecting Krimm after inexplicably letting go of Marcus McNeill.
Draft Comparison: Jonathan Martin, OL – Stanford
Upside Potential: Michael Oher
Downside Scare: Jason Smith

Pick #19: [Chicago Bears] Charlie Tweeder (Scott Caan), WR – Varsity Blues.

The Bears decide to attempt to give Cutler some help at the WR spots and realize that the mish-mosh of also-ran guys aren’t going to cut it anymore. Unfortunately, Tweeder fits the same mold as the guys already on the roster. He is very small in stature but can be considered a game-breaker who likes to improvise…if you don’t believe that just check out “high school WR steals cop car” on YouTube. Knowing Tweeder’s affinity for the local gentlemen’s establishments and penchant for run ins with the law, his attention might be elsewhere as a rookie.
Draft Comparison: Kendall Wright, WR – Baylor
Upside Potential: Steve Smith
Downside Scare: Jeremy Bloom

Pick #20: [Tennessee Titans] Brian Murphy (David Denman), TE – The Replacements.

An amazing story, Murphy is has overcome his deafness to become a first-round pick in the NFL. He has average size and speed, but will fit in nicely within the Titans’ scheme and give Matt Hasselbeck a better threat than Craig Stevens gives him now. The only worries here are that family members say he hasn’t been the same since he was dumped by longtime fiancé Pam for some other dude named Jim.
Draft Comparison: Coby Fleener, TE – Stanford
Upside Potential: Kevin Boss
Downside Scare: Anthony Fassano

Pick #21: [Cincinnati Bengals] Earl Wilkinson/Ray Smith (Michael Jace), LB – The Replacements.

This dude is a flat-out beast, but it is never a good sign when your draftee already has an “alias”. He can also play a little RB which should play nicely along with the Bengals earlier pickup of Megget, but he certainly provides attitude to the burgeoning defense. Added bonus: as with many others of Cincy’s squad, Wilkinson/Smith also comes with the added car pool bonus since he is unable to travel outside of his home and place of employment thanks to probation terms.
Draft Comparison: Zach Brown, LB – North Carolina
Upside Potential: David Harris
Downside Scare: Vernon Gholsten

Pick #22: [Cleveland Browns] James Alexander “Jimmy” Dix (Damon Wayans), QB – The Last Boyscout.

The Browns show us new levels of ineptitude after passing on Joe Kane in the #4 spot, they reach for another overachieving smurf QB to compete with their existing overachieving smurf QB. Rumor has it that the training camp battle will feature a contest pitting the mighty mites against each other in a battle of the vertically challenged. My money is on Jimmy “The Degenerate” Dix. It is no secret the issues Dix carries with him to the NFL and I wonder if he is the only QB in the draft unable to beat out Colt McCoy for the starting gig. He has some talent but nonetheless is a huge reach and gamble here at pick #22. Dix will make McCoy look like a saint and the savior when he’s through here.
Draft Comparison: Russell Wilson, QB – Wisconsin
Upside Potential: Colt McCoy
Downside Scare: Quincy Carter

Pick #23: [Detroit Lions] Patrick “Madman” Kelly (Andrew Bryniarski), OL – Any Given Sunday.

Kelly is a ruthless punisher on the O-Line who can bring back some punch that the Lions running game lost. They also need to keep Stafford healthy and Kelly is a good step in that direction. He seems to be a little schizophrenic and claims to embody more players than just himself, such as fellow 1st round pick Steve Lattimer. Funny enough, those same steroid speculations follow him here too.
Draft Comparison: Bobby Massie, OL – Mississippi
Upside Potential: Eric Winston
Downside Scare: Winston Justice

Pick #24: [Pittsburgh Steelers] Turley (Dalip Singh), OL – The Longest Yard.

Quite possibly the largest man to ever play in the NFL, Turley stands over 7-feet tall and a legitimate 400 pounds of pure unadulterated muscle. He’s got the whole “Brock Lesnar factor” and probably will win most matchups just by walking up to the line of scrimmage. If Pittsburgh can work on his footwork, which at this point does not match the wonders of his size by any means, they may have the steal of the draft. BigBen is not a small dude and he still may need a stepladder to throw over him, but it won’t matter much if Turley just plows over anyone and anything in front of him. I can’t wait to watch Todd “PGA” Haley try to play his pee-wee league mind games with this guy.
Draft Comparison: Mike Adams, OL – Ohio State
Upside Potential: Jonathan Ogden
Downside Scare: Juan Roque (Who? Exactly.)

Pick #25: [Denver Broncos] Clifford Franklin (Orlando Jones), WR – The Replacements.

Do you think Peyton Manning had something to do with this pick? The Donkeys are already letting the patients run the asylum and agree to outfit Peyton with any additional weapon he asks for. Unfortunately, this one is just “another guy”. Franklin has the looks of a decent, all-around and fairly solid receiver. He had great interviews with the team and apparently left a memorable mark on their minds. He is at the tail end of a deep receiving class so it is a mystery as to what his immediate impact will be. If Peyton’s past track record is any indication though, he’ll turn into an All-Pro in short order. Franklin thanks his lucky stars he had the chance to work out as a “scab” with Peyton at Duke during last year’s offseason lockout.
Draft Comparison: Alshon Jeffery, WR – South Carolina
Upside Potential: Brandon Marshall
Downside Scare: Troy Williamson

Pick #26: [Houston Texans] Featherstone (Duane Davis), WR – Necessary Roughness.

A one-dimensional pure speed guy who has trouble catching even the easiest of throws, Featherstone stays true to his name because he runs light as a feather and has hands of stone. Houston will use him to serve as a deep threat opposite all-world WR Andre Johnson. The pair of them could be a lethal combination as long as it’s Schaub and not Leinart throwing to them. Unless he improves his hands though it’s only a matter of time until teams go back to worrying only about Andre since Featherstone couldn’t catch an STD in a Taiwanese brothel with a fist-full of fifties.
Draft Comparison: Stephen Hill, WR – Georgia Tech
Upside Potential: DeSean Jackson
Downside Scare: Dexter McCluster

Pick #27: [New England Patriots] Daniel Bateman (Jon Favreau), LB – The Replacements.

The Pats have a huge need on the defensive side of the ball and most notably at LB and in the secondary. Due to the very thin (or nonexistent) cornerback class, they opt instead for a tough, high-energy linebacker. He’s definitely a little sick in the head and seems to completely enjoy knocking the snot out of people. Even though he is undersized and somewhat slow, he is still money and doesn’t even know it.
Draft Comparison: Dont’a Hightower, LB – Alabama
Upside Potential: Zach Thomas
Downside Scare: Rolando McClain

Pick #28: [Green Bay Packers] Lance Harbor (Paul Walker), QB – Varsity Blues.

After signing their replacement center (50 year-old Jeff Saturday) and losing their one-game wonder at backup QB (Matt Flynn), the Pack look to groom the next Aaron Rogers. They were also pretty spooked by what happened in Indy so would like to add someone in the event Rogers has to miss extended time. Harbor gets the nod from the Pack as they liken his arm-strength and mobility to a young Rogers. He overcame a devastating knee injury in high school to go on to a productive college career but those concerns still linger. He has a pretty-boy mentality but he is used to having high expectations on his shoulders after coming out of the top high school program in Texas. He also has the game knowledge of a coach from an emergency stint as one in high school.
Draft Comparison: Brandon Weeden, QB – Oklahoma State
Upside Potential: Carson Palmer
Downside Scare: Jesse Palmer

Pick #29: [Baltimore Ravens] Alvin Mack (Duane Davis), LB – The Program.

The Ravens have been searching high and low for the next Ray Lewis since the old man has shown a few more sign of wear and tear. No he didn’t murder anyone else, he’s just getting a little slower. The Ravens may have hit the jackpot here and even though it will be called a reach, they manage to get a great find in Mack. The biggest question with Mack is how he has recovered from a devastating leg injury during his college career. Scouts were amazed it did not end his playing days entirely, but Baltimore was happy that he fell this far due to those concerns. He has great instincts for a LB but rumors abound that he could not even read the contract his agent presented him. The one thing he did know how to spell, however, was his name on that N-F-L contract.
Draft Comparison: Mychal Kendricks, LB – California
Upside Potential: Brandon Spikes
Downside Scare: Aaron Curry

Pick #30: [San Francisco 49ers] Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves), QB – The Replacements.

After pursuing and ultimately losing out on Peyton Manning, the ‘Niners show their lack of faith in Alex Smith as the long-term answer and are thrilled when Falco falls all the way to the end of the first round. Falco is a guy with a big arm but comes with big concerns over lack of production in big games against top-tier opponents. His earlier playing days under the alias of Johnny “F-ing” Utah and an exodous from the game to pursue FBI dreams and big waves caused him to slip this far.
Draft Comparison: Kirk Cousins, QB – Michigan State
Upside Potential: Sam Bradford
Downside Scare: Tyler “Shane” Palko

Pick #31: [New England Patriots] Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks), RB – Forrest Gump.

The “Genious” of Bill Belichick strikes again! After letting “The Law Firm” move on to greener (grayer) pastures in Cincy, most pundits thought Bill was set at RB with last year’s draft picks ready to take on bigger roles. Wrong again. After showing us he can make a star out of 4-foot tall Danny Woodhead, he gives another proverbial middle finger to the league by trying to make a star out of a guy with legitimate mental issues. Once Gump started running, he never stopped. He has led quite a charming life while breaking most rushing records at Alabama, yet scouts still worried about his intellectual shortcomings. He tied Bobby Boucher Jr.’s record-breaking lowest ever score on the Wonderlic which is what ultimately caused him to slide this far. If the Pats can win yet another Super Bowl, it should be just another day for the man who has already been to the White House…twice.
Draft Comparison: LaMichael James, RB – Oregon
Upside Potential: Roger Craig
Downside Scare: Brian Leonard

Pick #32: [New York Giants] Guard Lambert (Bill Romanowski), LB – The Longest Yard.

Not one single team who interviewed him liked his attitude, although it may translate to toughness on the field. He has been labeled his entire career as a dirty player, even rumored to have spit on a teammate once. Is it his part-time job as a prison guard that has made him this way or is that what comes with his package of abilities? The Giants are in desperate need for LB help and even coming off a Super win find themselves in a better position going into this season after adding Lambert.
Draft Comparison: Lavonte David, LB – Nebraska
Upside Potential: Bill Romanowski
Downside Scare: Aaron Maybin

2012 Football Movies Mock NFL Draft

BEST OF THE DAY 2 SELECTIONS:

ROUND 2: Pick #34: [Indianapolis Colts] Wendell Brown (Eliel Swinton), RB –Varsity Blues.

Brown is a solid all-around runner who will fit the Colts scheme nicely. They are weak at the RB position and will want to get Cush a reliable ground game to take some pressure off. His quick cuts and straight-ahead running style pushes him past some other great RB’s in a deep draft class. Now let’s just see if Chuck Pagano decides to give him the ball at the goaline or will he let Cush take all the glory?
Draft Comparison: Lamar Miller, RB – Miami (FL)
Upside Potential: Willis McGahee
Downside Scare: J.J. Arrington

ROUND 2: Pick #38: [Jacksonville Jaguars] Jimmy Sanderson (Bill Bellamy), WR – Any Given Sunday.

After shoring up their D-line in round 1, the Jags try to land a little something to help convince the rest of the NFL that Blaine Gabbert is a good QB. Sanderson is a tall lanky guy who can run and will be a nice target for Blaine as he two-steps out of the pocket on almost every play. There are question marks about his dedication to the game due to his passion for the music industry, but new owner Shahid Khan apparently wants to start his own record label and thinks Sanderson is the guy for the job (both of them).
Draft Comparison: Rueben Randle, WR – LSU
Upside Potential: Keyshawn Johnson
Downside Scare: Arrelious Benn

ROUND 2: Pick #50: [Chicago Bears] Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps), RB – The Program.

After pissing off franchise RB Matt Forte by giving new backup RB Michael Bush a contract when they won’t even negotiate with him, the Bears front office must have made this move for good measure. Either they are getting a few kicks out of grating on Forte’s nerves or they really have no intentions of paying him big money and instead are already formulating their backup plan. Jefferson is a big-time talent from a big-time program. He’s got plenty of moxie to go along with his game so it should be interesting to watch him clash with the guy he was brought in to take over for. One would think it may go something like this: Forte: “Hi. I’m Matt Forte, tailback.” Jefferson: “The pleasure is all yours. I’m Darnell Jefferson, starting tailback.”
Draft Comparison: Isaiah Pead, RB – Cincinnati
Upside Potential: Warrick Dunn
Downside Scare: Ki-Jana Carter

ROUND 2: Pick #57: [Denver Broncos] Cap Rooney (Dennis Quaid), QB – Any Given Sunday.

In a classic “Oh sh*t” moment, John Elway realizes he no longer has either Tim Tebow or even Brady freaking Quinn to back up his 36 year-old broken-necked QB. He knocks himself down from the pedestal he’s been put on by overreaching for a heady game-manager in Rooney figuring he can learn to master the position under the tutelage of Manning. Rooney is a classic career backup, and some are a bit more blunt and call him boring. Average arm, average footwork, and a strong possibility that he is merely a product of the system he ran could turn out to make Elway an even bigger genius or a complete donkey.
Draft Comparison: Kellen Moore, QB – Boise State
Upside Potential: Alex Smith
Downside Scare: Todd Marinovich

ROUND 2: Pick #62: [New England Patriots] Greg Meaney (Todd Holland), LB – The Waterboy.

Meaney is more formidable than just his namesake and even flashed some two-way potential in college. He should help put the ‘D’ back in New Englan_ and give that side of the ball a little more attitude. Actually, based on his game tape he’s been known to get more than his fair share of unsportsmanlike conduct penalties so he’ll be bringing a LOT more attitude to the Pats.
Draft Comparison: Vontaze Burfict, LB – ASU
Upside Potential: Brian Urlacher
Downside Scare: David Pollack

ROUND 3: Pick #69: [Washington Redskins] Jamal Jackson (Faizon Love), OL – The Replacements

The Redskins make an effort to protect their future after betting the house on Willie Beamon and select a guy the size of a house in Jamal Jackson. He’s loyal and will serve as personal protector for Beamon both on and off the field.
Draft Comparison: Zebrie Sanders, OL – Florida State
Upside Potential: Kareem McKenzie
Downside Scare: Khalif Barnes

ROUND 3: Pick #74: [Kansas City Chiefs] Ray Griffen (J. Leon Pridgen II), RB/FB – The Program.

KC lured Special Agent Peyton Hillis into an alreadfy legit backfield and makes the move to draft Griffen as the best lead-blocking fullback in the draft. He also has some running ability, having lost his starting tailback spot to former teammate Darnell Jefferson, which also can help take some of the attention off Charles & Hillis. He took a while to adjust to his backseat role but seemed togo all-in once he realized he could be a full time fullback at the next level.
Draft Comparison: Emil Igwenagu, FB – UMASS
Upside Potential: Mike Alstott
Downside Scare: William “Bar None” Floyd

ROUND 4: Pick #96: [St. Louis Rams] Cheeseburger Eddy (Terry Crews), LB – The Longest Yard.

It ain’t easy bein’ cheesy. But now Cheeseburger Eddy can certainly afford more from the dollar menu as a 4th rounder of the Rams. A former convict, the Rams go back to the Lawrence Phillps/Leonard Little days and take a huge gamble with a potentially big payoff. Eddy has an NFL physique and athleticism but still needs to stay out of trouble. If that wasn’t good enough, he smells like pure power.
Draft Comparison: James-Michael Johnson, LB – Nevada
Upside Potential: Ray Lewis
Downside Scare: Odell Thurman

ROUND 5: Pick #148: [Oakland Raiders] Stefen Djordjevic (Tom Cruise), RB – All the Right Moves.

Oakland looks to fill in for the departure of Michael Bush in the later rounds on the draft by looking for depth behind Darren McFadden. Djordjevic has average speed at best and terrible size for the position. Not to mention those in his inner circle claim that he is a “whack-job” and practices “cult-like” beliefs. Sounds like a strikeout for Oakland’s new regime.
Draft Comparison: Bobby Rainey, RB – Western Kentucky
Upside Potential: Knowshon Moreno
Downside Scare: Kevin Smith

ROUND 6: Pick #186: [Dallas Cowboys] Bobby Collins (Jon Pennell), QB – The Program.
The Cowboys look to add depth behind Tony Romo late in the draft when they select Collins in the 6th round. It is a controversial pick due to Collins’ dismissal from his college squad after only managing a backup role throughout his career. He certainly has been known for effectively carrying on the drunken backup QB stigma very well.
Draft Comparison: Case Keenum, QB – Houston
Upside Potential: Brady Quinn
Downside Scare: Colt Brennan

ROUND 6: Pick #201: [New York Giants] Gavin Grey (Dennis Quaid), RB – Everybody’s All-American.

The G-Men take a stab at finding a replacement for the newly departed Brandon Jacobs by selecting Grey in the late rounds. He is a classic prototype of a guy from a big program who has played in big-time games and produced but simply doesn’t have the measurables needed to be a regular contributor in the NFL. One thing is for sure, he possesses all the intangibles and is not quite ready to deal with what life without football has to offer.
Draft Comparison: Ronnie Hillman, RB – San Diego State
Upside Potential: Brandon Jackson
Downside Scare: Mike Hart

ROUND 7: Pick #212: [Tampa Bay Buccaneers] Nigel “The Leg” Gruff (Rhys Ifans), K – The Replacements.

Gruff has a monster leg with above-average accuracy, but there are many concerns with his activities off the field. Point-shaving incidents followed him all through his career but he still somehow managed better than a 90% career field goal percentage. Tampa Bay just better hope that the 10% he misses aren’t the ones that failed to cover the spread.
Draft Comparison: Blair Walsh, K – Georgia
Upside Potential: Sebastian Janikowski
Downside Scare: Justin Medlock

ROUND 7: Pick #18: [Pittsburgh Steelers] Barney Gorman (Tony Danza), K – The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.

The Steelers need someone at camp to challenge Shaun Suisham who missed a couple of clutch kicks last year and while he has the leg strength, lacks severely in accuracy. Gorman comes in as an underdog who beat the odds to get a shot kicking in the NFL and while he has only average leg strength, the name of the game for Pitt is hitting the ones you’re supposed to.
Draft Comparison: Carson Wiggs, K – Purdue
Upside Potential: Matt Stover
Downside Scare: Bill Gramatica

List of movies in consideration for the team:
- All The Right Moves
- Any Given Sunday
- The Program
- Necessary Roughness
- Varsity Blues
- The Waterboy
- Jerry MaGuire
- The Replacements
- The Longest Yard (original & remake)
- The Last Boy Scout
- The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon
- North Dallas Forty
- Everybody’s All-American
- Little Giants
- Wildcats
- Forrest Gump
- Johnny Be Good
- The Gameplan
- Facing The Giants
- Leatherheads
- Second String
- The Best of Times

List of movies excluded from consideration for the team (due to characters based on real-life players):
- Brian’s Song
- We Are Marshall
- Rudy
- Friday Night Lights
- Gridiron Gang
- Invincible
- The Junction Boys
- Radio
- Playmakers (since it was a TV series and not a movie)
- Remember the Titans
- The Express:The Ernie Davis Story
- The 5th Quarter
- The Blind Side

First of all the article was meant to be funny…not really his strong suit if you ask me. He’s a very talented writer but he’s not exactly Bill Simmons when it comes to the satirical wit category. Nor is he Bill Simmons when it comes to on-screen appearances (thankfully). Nonetheless, his poor attempt at mocking “Joe Fan” who rocks a replica jersey so he can show off his team allegiances illustrates to me just how far removed he is from actually being “Joe Fan”. You’d think a guy who started off as a football beat writer only to have one of the most successful sports columns in the most notable sports magazine on the planet (Sports Illustrated), not to mention a show named Homecoming, would remember to stick to his roots a little more. Apparently having a co-writer credit of the smash-hit Leatherheads wasn’t enough to knock him down a peg (or two, or three…dozen). Seriously I think he could have written a better movie if it was just Ben Stein sitting on camera reading Reilly’s 25 years worth of columns. But instead he gets an even cushier gig writing a new column for ESPN, for all of 2 seconds, before parlaying that into the pinnacle of sports-writing…not actually being a writer anymore and turning into yet another talking head/annoyance for ESPN.

The point is that he is the last person that should ever create rules for when it is or isn’t ok to sport a jersey. Someone hobnobbing with Jim from The Office and starring in beer commercials with super models shouldn’t be the guy to set the barometer for what’s appropriate fan behavior. Instead, let a true fan who doesn’t sit in private boxes or blabber away on ESPN (yet) be the guy who makes this distinction. It’s time for The Movie Mind’s Rules for Wearing  a Jersey.

RULE #1 (The Seniority Rule): There is no age limit to wearing a jersey. The only age-related rule is that you cannot wear a jersey of someone who is younger than you. There’s a reason old guys wanted Brett Farve to hang around some more. A 38-year old wearing the jersey of a kid who just got drafted and could be his son is kind of weird, I have to say. However, there’s something to be said of still “looking up” to your elders. A 40-year old wearing a Warren Moon jersey back in 1999 would be acceptable because he could still say, “I used to watch this guy when I was a kid!”.

RULE #1-Sec. A (The Exception to The Seniority Rule): Under no circumstances, whatsoever, is it ok to wear the jersey of a kicker. EVER. This comes into play frequently because for the old guys, sometimes they might have no other choice than to rock the jersey of a 60-year old Morton Anderson. Sorry old dudes, that’s the time when you can’t where jerseys anymore.

RULE #1-Sec. A-Rev.i (The Addendum to The Exception to The Seniority Rule): The ONLY circumstance where it is ok to wear a jersey of someone younger than you is when that player is retired. We can respect stars that take early exits from the game ie. Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, Yao Ming -wait, what? If you happen to be old enough to have rooted for a guy younger than you that is now retired, by all means it is ok to rep his jersey. Why this exception you ask? Because there’s the automatic “nostalgic factor” coming into play when a guy is retired. Plus, it reminds the kiddies these days not to forget about the old-timers who paved the way for them! What better better way to show it than with a classic John Starks #3 or Craig Biggio #7 (snickering).

RULE #2 (The Home Rule): Here’s one that I think Reilly got completely wrong. You can wear the jersey of anyone you desire inside the confines of your own home. Nobody, not family, guests, spouses, pets, or writers can tell you otherwise. It’s your house for crap sake and I guarantee you that a sports team jersey is by far the least offensive or hideous thing you could be seen wearing around your house at any given time.

RULE #3 (The Traded Player Rule): Since we’ve addressed the retired player status, it’s time to look at the other jersey status that qualifies as a dead asset or diminishing return. In general, the rule is that you cannot wear the jersey of a player that has been traded away to another team. It’s kind of like wearing a golf shirt or using a pen with the logo of the company you were just fired from. I’m all for loyalty, but that’s a bit much. You wouldn’t still carry around pictures of your ex-wife in your wallet, would you? There are, however, a couple exceptions to this rule. See below.

RULE #3-Sec. A (The Exceptions to The Traded Player Rule): If the player was a beloved team member who gave his heart to the team and fans only to be traded away after publicly expressing a strong desire to stay with the team and the move was ownership’s slap in his face, then it’s ok to wear their jersey. I call this one The Tino Martinez Exception. The other exception would be if the player has simply been traded too many damn times for any middle class citizen to be able to afford a new jersey every time he’s dealt. This one is known as The T.O./Jim Thome Rule. The final exception is that it’s ok to wear the jersey of a player who simply changes brand affiliations like in the situation of NASCAR. You know what-nevermind. It’s just not ok at all to wear NASCAR jerseys unless it’s for the fire-retardant benefits.

RULE #4 (The Tebow Rule): You are permitted to wear the jerseys of any player, regardless of your age, location, or rooting interest, if the player happens to stand for something other than his own fame as an athlete. Maybe it’s a guy who cares about charity more than squeezing another million out of his contract (Warrick Dunn, Dikembe Mutumbo) or someone who is extremely involved in their community (Walter Payton) or is a symbol of hope (Dennis Byrd, Eric LeGrande).

RULE #5 (The Design Rule): Jerseys may only be worn in actual team colors or designs. That means no more green Yankees or Red Sox jerseys with shamrocks on them. You’re either Irish or a fan that day…not both. You can wear special occasion jerseys for something like All-Star games, but it seems kind of silly that you would want to anyway. If you’re a Yanks fan you’ve either got the pinstripes or road grays, it’s your choice. If you don’t like the style options then start rooting for the Oregon Ducks. And sorry ladies, unless you’re Alyssa Milano and can claim that sleeping with half of Major League Baseball is “market research”, no pink jerseys for you either. It just tells us guys that you are high maintenance, not really a true fan, and care more about how the guys on the field look in tight pants than the game.

RULE #6 (The Location Rule): Even with all of these other rules, there are still other “umbrella rules” which arch over them and must be followed even if all of the other qualifications are met. There are only certain places you can wear a jersey, EVER. If you are not in your home, at a game (and please only wear the jersey of one of the teams playing), at a sports bar (specifically to watch a game), or at your buddy’s place to watch a game, then you have zero good reasons to wear a jersey. If you happen to be playing in a beer league softball game, or flag football, or even pickup hoops…PLEASE do not wear your jersey. It will only open up the ridicule of how painfully removed you are from playing like that person whose name graces your back.

RULE #7 (The Size Rule): Under NO circumstances are you to ever wear a jersey that is not at least 2 sizes too big for you. I don’t care how in shape you are or not, jerseys are meant to be over-sized, not skin tight. Unless you are 8 years old, leave the boys’ mediums to your girlfriend.

RULE #8 (The Signature Rule): Never, at any time, should you wear a jersey that has been autographed. It’s one thing to support the team, it’s another to constantly look for a reason to tell the story about when you got your picture taken with Dan Marino at a card show for the 500th time. Signed memorabilia is meant to be in a display case, not on your body.

RULE #9 (The Good Samaritan Rule): We all know we can recognize the guy who bought the jersey from the clearance rack at Marshall’s or TJ Maxx for $6.99. There’s no reason to point him out or make fun of him just because you happened to blow $299 for an “authentic” jersey on the team site. It doesn’t make you any better of a fan than him, nor are you any cooler than him. After all, you both still ARE wearing jerseys so how cool can you be in the first place?

Finally, I’d like to mention The Boycott Rule. This is one I only made up after reading one of Reilly’s “Jersey Waivers” (see below):

According to Reilly, Jersey Waiver C states: “By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any contact with the very person you’re worshipping. “Those are the guys we went out of our way to avoid in the autograph lines,” says former Baltimore Ravens QB Trent Dilfer. “They were the ones who wanted your email address.”

Here’s the explanation of The Boycott Rule: if you, or anyone you know, happen to actually own a Trent Dilfer jersey, please have it burnt immediately. If you actually purchased a Trent Dilfer jersey for whatever reason, he clearly doesn’t deserve your support by saying you’re the guy he tries to avoid in autograph lines. If Trent Dilfer doesn’t run up to shake your hand and ask for a picture with YOU for wearing his jersey, there’s clearly something wrong here. We’re talking about the guy who is used as the gold standard for the discussion on how to win a Super Bowl with a great defense and crappy quarterback. Seriously, getting a cushy gig on ESPN as a dime-a-dozen talking head must give you a ridiculous ego boost that I can’t comprehend. Trent F-ing Dilfer!! (FYI…any new jerseys with Trent F-ing Dilfer on the back I expect a royalty coming this way)

This also applies to any random, unknown, or unheralded player in that he should be thrilled to actually have a big enough fan to buy his jersey as opposed to acting like he’s too good for you. Next time you see an athlete who fits the “Trent Dilfer” bill, hand him one of your spare Best Buy Geek Squad work shirts and tell him it’s the least he can do to reciprocate the love!

With the emergence of streaming video and live TV, The Movie Mind’s Rating System has started to resemble an outdated business model, much like the now defunct Blockbuster. No longer do we run out to the local video store and scan the walls lined with new DVD releases like the movie-fans’ own Dewey Decimal system. There is very little “window shopping” as most movie decisions are made from a Google search or streaming advertisement on your phone. Yes the times they are a-changin’ and it’s time The Movie Mind jumped aboard.

The ratings may be new but the premise hasn’t changed. True movie ratings are not about giving “two thumbs up” like we’re deciding on whether a Gladiator lives or gets fed to the lions. It’s not about stars, or tomatoes, or any other type of condiment or galactic object. The Movie Mind tells it like it is and the ratings reflect that. You know when you should watch the film, how you should watch it, what other films it’s better and worse than, and maybe you’ll even find out why I felt that way.

The Movie Mind’s reviews and commentary are meant to entertain the real movie fans and provide some information that you can actually use. Any life advice or philosophical perspectives you take from it means you need some friends and should probably be reading more (and I don’t mean the back of the cereal box). I’m not interested in inundating you with obscure literary references and details or cinematographic elements you could have learned by opening IMDB or taking a 30-minute online film class. I am a fan of movies and my reviews are written and rated from that perspective.

The NEW “Official” ratings for The Movie Mind are as follows:

• Wait for Basic Cable: When the only way a movie can get some kind of viewership is by plugging their 2 hour piece of crap onto one of the few channels not overflowing with Kardashian reruns, it’s not a good sign. This rating reflects the classic Sunday afternoon hangover special you watch from the comfort of your own bed when you could care less if you fall asleep halfway through it.

• Wait for Streaming Video: It’s a decent option to watch on a portable device (not factoring loss of film quality and resolution) like your computer or iPad if you’re on a plane or a train and need to kill some time, but you can find better things to watch in your home on the big screen TV…like for instance Beverly Hills Cop for the 73rd time!

• Add to Bottom of Netflix Delivery List: Most of the decent movies will fall into this category. For reference, The Movie Mind’s list is about 56 deep right now so it might be a while before you see it. This rating means the film is good enough to watch at some point if you are paying for unlimited movies, but you’re not missing out on anything by waiting a little while. Editor’s Note: I contemplated removing these clowns because of their price hikes and dividing up the services, but I’ll give them a chance for redemption.

• Move to Top of Netflix Delivery List: When you are confronted with the “Move to Top” option after adding a movie to your queue, you need to be sure it’s better than the ones already on there. This rating means it’s worth bumping all the others to see it right away. You better just hope there’s not a “Short Delay” next to it.

• Go To Movie Theater: This remains a high rating because of the nonsense and expense a trip to the theater has become. A movie with this rating better be worth fighting for a parking spot, $14 tickets, annoying teenagers, and the weirdo wearing a sombrero in front of you to go out and see it.

• Buy It: Even though there is no “need” to buy movies anymore, this rating remains the top billing specifically for that reason. The Movie Mind’s physical collection of movies is a badge of honor and films with this rating mean they are still worthy of adding to your personal collection and watching numerous times. You should still go see it in the movie theater and then buy it when it becomes available on Blu-Ray or DVD.

The Movie Mind

I’ll look at a different film for each segment and profile the characters’ current whereabouts and exploits. Post your requests for other films and characters to report on, and feel free to chime in if you have a different take on their life’s travels!

This first segment will look back at the gang from an all-time classic, Swingers.

Mike (Jon Favreau): Over the last 15 years, Mike has toured the country while honing his standup routine at small comedy clubs and bars. About a year ago he caught his big break and found his way onto the last installment of Last Comic Standing, but unfortunately he bombed before the live audience and his “booking agent” dumped him right after he was booed off the stage. He hasn’t had much luck in love either, as Lorraine and him dated for 6 years but he was a jilted lover yet again after he found her in bed with a casting agent for Cinemax. On the bright side, he can afford the luxury of not needing a steady payday since he’s known as one of Vegas’ premier blackjack players and made close to $4 million at the game in his lifetime. His advice to me when I caught up with him at the Wynn, “At this table we double down on a hard 7 or better. If you don’t like that there’s a lower stakes table over there you might be more comfortable at.”

Trent (Vince Vaughn): It’s a good thing for Trent that the reality TV-craze took hold when it did. After fizzing out in a variety of careers such as realtor, nightclub promoter, and investment banker, he stumbled upon the auditions for The Real World: Reno and was cast immediately as a last minute replacement. After getting kicked off the show 2 episodes in, offers were thrown his way from a variety of programs and he had one of the most memorable reality TV appearances on The Bachelor after walking into the house and yelling, “Which of you pretty babies wants to party?” The producers cancelled the season early after cameras caught him on four separate group dates making out with girls who were not members of the cast. He makes regular appearances on VH1’s I Love the 90’s shows and spends a lot of time in Vegas and LA with Mike.

Rob (Ron Livingston): After being stuck in his role as Goofy for 5 years and never landing a real onscreen role, Rob quit the acting industry altogether and went to work at Disneyland full-time as a theme-park set designer. He has 4 daughters and according to him an “evil, maniacal wife”. He hasn’t seen Mike or Trent since his wedding, when Trent hooked up with his wife’s sister and has since been banned from their home. He told me on the phone that he’d stick himself in that 60 lb. fur costume in 95 degree heat for a year if it meant he’d get one last shot at the fame.

Sue (Patrick Van Horn): Sue has spent the last 11 years in Anaheim County Jail for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after shooting someone that did, in fact, try to steal his f-ing K-Car. He was a backup vocalist in a House of Pain cover band prior to being incarcerated and hopes to reunite with the group upon his release in 2021 with good behavior (which is kind of difficult in prison when you’re a “Boy Named Sue” and call everyone “bitch”).

Charles (Alex Désert): I wasn’t able to get too much info on Charles because he kept cutting off my questions by saying, “I got a call back tomorrow”. After telling him the interview was done, he told me, “Good…this article sounds dead anyway.”

Lorraine (Heather Graham): After screwing Mikey over, she went on to B-list fame as a late-night Skinemax regular. Wait, I can’t remember if I was talking to Lorraine or Heather Graham. No matter, same story either way.

Nikki (Brooke Langton): She went through a short period of YouTube fame after posting Mike’s rambling voice messages and receiving over 6 million hits. She has since written a book called, “The Wrong Way to Pick-up a Girl.” Presales have reported to be weak.

Best Lead Actor:

Who should win it:
- Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
           — It’s not often that a lead actor in a remake has this kind of impact, but Bridges deserves this. Yes, he played a very similar character to his Academy Award-winning Bad Blake in Crazy Heart, but doesn’t that just mean he deserves it again? If you’ve seen the original, you should be willing to admit that Bridges makes Johnnie Wayne himself look like his understudy.

Who will win it:
- Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”
          — It’s not that it will be undeserved, but I just don’t think he dominated his time onscreen the same way Bridges did. I won’t be upset if he wins, but he certainly benefited from those around him more than the other nominees.

The winner if people have seriously lost their minds:
- Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
          — I’m sorry but a guy who’s really a kid, playing a real-life guy the same age who is still living, just doesn’t sound like Oscar-worthy material to me. Not to mention the fact that the last thing Facebook needs is more press.  

Best Supporting Actor:

Winner could be any of these:
- Christian Bale in “The Fighter”  
          — Bale stole the film. With his performance the film is in the realm of Rocky & Raging Bull. Without him you’re looking at Diggstown.

- Jeremy Renner in “The Town”
          — A formerly underrated actor who is finally getting his due, Renner might be in line for the win after getting passed over for his performance in The Hurt Locker.

- Geoffrey Rush in “The King’s Speech”
          — My surprise candidate, Rush was gripping and overshadowed Colin Firth in most crucial onscreen moments.

Best Lead Actress:

Might as well be:
- Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
          — No I haven’t seen it and no I have no intentions to either. I can hear the pundits now, “But Movie Mind…there’s chicks making out and fighting…don’t you want to see it?” You can flip on MTV’s new trash, Skins, and see that in 30 minutes instead of wasting 2 hours of your life. If Mrs. Movie Mind somehow forces me to watch it and I end up not hating it, I will eat my shorts…that’s a promise.

Best Supporting Actress:

Possible winners who are interchangeable:
- Amy Adams or Melissa Leo in “The Fighter”
          — Both put in solid performances and while they played vastly different characters, each was as just as solid as the other. 

Winner if the Academy had the guts:
- Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit”
          — This newcomer was pure gold in her role as a witty and mature child out for vengeance of her father’s murder. I don’t think the Academy has the nerve to give her the award, but anyone who can not only hold her own, but also shine while opposite Jeff Bridges deserves recognition.

Best Directing:

Obvious nomination omission:
- “Inception” Christopher Nolan
          — While I do not think it was anywhere close to being a Best Picture nominee, Nolan did deserve credit for directing this psychological thriller. While he is also to blame for the paltry and subpar script, he was able to turn it into a great picture.

Good but not quite good enough:
- “The Fighter” David O. Russell 
          — I do think the success of the film was more of a result of the writing and acting, but nonetheless it was shot incredibly well.

- “True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
          — In their annual reunion at the Oscar podium, the Coen’s have yet another tremendous film at their hands, and when compared to the original rendition, it blew the doors off it. However, the key here is that it’s not an original. With a deep lineup of films, that may not be enough for the Coen’s this time.

Welcome to the Winners’ Circle:
- “The King’s Speech” Tom Hooper 
          — An all-around great film, and as good as the acting was, the best factor of this film was the directing. It was put together beautifully and Hooper turned a stodgy British story into a masterpiece.

Best Picture:

Winner if Hollywood is literally trying to stick it The Movie Mind:
- “Black Swan” Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
          — No explanation needed here.

No Chance in Hell to win but deserves more consideration than what’s been given:
- “The Fighter” David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
          — Hasn’t been getting its due from the panel but should have gotten serious consideration.

- “True Grit” Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
          — Even though it’s a remake, it was hands down one of the few best films of the year. I would not be disappointed if it won, but there’s not much precedent for it.

Shouldn’t win and most likely won’t:
- “Inception” Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers 
          — Entertaining and mind bender, sure. But lousy writing, mediocre acting (I’m looking at you Leo), and the goal of simply confusing the hell out of the audience doesn’t deserve a Best Picture Oscar. Much like the other pundits, I have plenty of cockamamie theories of my own about the film, but creating debate shouldn’t be the sole goal of a great film.

- “The Social Network” Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers 
          — Solid all around, but still lacking a bit to receive the crown.

And the winner is:
- “The King’s Speech” Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers  
          — Great acting, great directing, great writing…sounds like a winning formula to me. Plus, it’s right up the critics’ alley so it should be an easy victory.

 Worst Films of the Year:

- The American
          — Utterly embarrassing performance by Clooney. He has completely mailed it in at his point. After enduring a directionless plot and after all the so-called drama built up to what was supposed to be a gripping and emotional ending, I laughed out loud while at the theater. Yes, this movie was really that bad.

- The Expendables
          — I sort of feel bad for Stallone at this point. After milking every cash cow franchise he could in the past few years (Rocky, Rambo), he ran out of tricks. This film is the result of that dry well of creativity. Here’s hoping that Stallone scraps any notion of an Expendables 2 in favor of Tango & Cash 2 or even Oscar 2.

- The Bounty Hunter
          — How long can Jennifer Anniston milk the “boo-hoo poor me-I’ve gotten my heart broken by every dude in Hollywood” bit? I suppose not too much longer if she makes the grave mistake of playing opposite Gerard Butler again. Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Jim Carrey, and Ben Stiller can carry her…Butler definitely cannot. He’s usually limited to about 10 total lines of dialogue in a movie and after seeing this one, we know why.

- Valentine’s Day
          — This film taught us that a virtual cornucopia of middling movie stars not a good movie make. Anytime Ashton Kutcher presents the biggest acting chops in the film means you’re not off to a great start. As if Valentine’s Day (the holiday) could be any more painful for guys, I cringe at the thought of reruns of this film each year on that day.

BEST SHOW ON TV

Modern Family [ABC] I think they officially took the reins in their inaugural season last year and have stayed firmly planted on top after a hilarious season 2 so far. There is no better show that combines a perfect mix of real life comedy with characters that you can truly fall in love with. I see a long run on top as long as they stick to what made them this successful. By the way, Manny is going to be a star – the kid is the funniest character I’ve seen in years!

CLOSE TO THE TOP BUT SLIPPING

Rescue Me [FX] Still the best drama on TV but it’s beginning to get out of hand with the plot twists. I know after this many seasons you need to come up with shocking plotlines to keep your viewers interested, but seriously, how many people close to Tommy can actually die/become an alcoholic/sleep with a family member/etc? The writers need to cut the poor guy a break but at the same time keep it coming…the show is certainly not boring and Dennis Leary is such an underrated actor.

The Office [NBC] After an extremely poor season in my honest opinion, the Final Season has gotten off on a strong foot and will hopefully go out the same way it came in: with a bang. I find myself watching the reruns regularly and can easily see them reaching Seinfeld status at some point. By the way, I know there are talks to continue the show without Steve Carrell but it would be a fatal mistake. The show already “jumped the shark” a few seasons ago when they promoted Jim to Co-Office Head. It cannot survive no matter who else they put into that role. As much as it certainly is a top-rate ensemble cast, it’s Michael Scott and then the rest of the ensemble. Let’s enjoy what’s left of it.

RISING STARS

Deadliest Catch [Discovery Channel] Now that I think about it, this show most likely already peaked. As sad as it was to watch the Phil Harris saga, it was simply the best TV they could have ever hoped for. They had developed a character over the course of a few seasons that viewers truly cared about and felt like they knew on a personal level. The fact that he went through an incredible tragedy unfortunately only helped the show’s status and ratings to where they have begun to cross over into too much mainstream commercialism (they’ve got a freaking PS3 game now for crying out loud!). I hate that the show moved into the upper-echelon due to the passing of Captain Harris because he was a guy you could genuinely like and wished you could have a beer with. Let’s hope they honor his memory more in future seasons rather than exploit it.

Sons of Anarchy [FX] Biker gangs, sex, violence, corruption, and did I mention bad-ass bikers? This show has built some pretty compelling storylines and has a brood of characters (including the one and only Peggy Bundy) that are unique, authentic, and have some serious depth. They look the part and act the part which is more than most TV drama’s can say.

The Good Guys [Fox] It’s about time the buddy cop comedy made it’s comeback!  I’m psyched to see Bradley Whitford in a lighter role than The West Wing and Colin Hanks appears to be slowing moving out from under daddy’s shadow. It’s amusing but don’t expect something other than over the top crooks and storylines because that’s the backbone of the show.

Justified [FX] A real life modern day western under the guise of a cop drama is a recipe for success in my book. Plenty of solid violence and plot developments to keep you tuned in.

Outsourced [NBC] The uncomfortable comedy is what drives it and it manages to poke fun and some of the oddities of our different cultures, surprisingly with most of it directed at the American side. It is smart writing but not sure how long the gimmick factor will keep it entertaining. After a while, an American novelty company’s customer service department in India will have to become more. While they’ve made developments on the relationship plotlines, it’s yet to be determined if it will be enough.

Criminal Minds [CBS] What’s not to like? We have insanely scary bad guys and a crew of nerdy geniuses and super-agents tracking them down…does it get much better? Fresh stories and likeable good guys make it the top cop drama on TV. Who says you need Horatio Cane’s 1-word responses and overacting to be successful in this genre!

The Defenders [CBS] Surprisingly, Jim Belushi has found his role. Just like Ben Affleck needs to play an a-hole from Boston, Belushi needs to play a Las Vegas attorney. Jerry O’Connell plays a good sidekick and it is slightly reminiscent of one of my old favorite shows, Las Vegas, only with less action and casinos.

WORTH WATCHING IF YOU’VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO

Whale Wars [Animal Planet] I was initially hooked to this show that burst onto the scene this past season due to an international maritime incident, but I cooled off thanks to the over the top tree-hugging attitudes of its stars who act like they are playing cowboys and Indians with real lives at stake. They see a little too camera-hungry not for the whales’ sake but for their own careers. I guess that’s what happens when you spend months at sea throwing glorified stink bombs at other boats. Mark my words though: this show will get even more popular due to the Japanese whaling vessels getting much more serious than they have been so far. The Aussies think they’re playing grownup pranks and the Japanese are losing millions. This could get ugly…or interesting, whichever way you look at it.  

Jersey Shore [MTV] Ok, I’ll admit it…I might be guilty of the pot calling the kettle black. You will see me bashing the nonsense of the Housewives hows below, yet here I am telling you that you might as well watch Jersey Shore if you’ve got nothing else to do. The reason being that even though they are all void of talent, they can actually be mildly amusing on occasion. Not to mention that with the exception of The Situation and Snookie, they seem to realize that their 5 minutes is about to run out so they might as well party it up and make the most of it. 

NOT WORTH YOUR TIME (OR ANYONE ELSE’S)

Sister Wives [TLC] To be fair, I watched all of 6 minutes of one episode and that was enough to literally make me sick to my stomach. Even if you were a fan of HBO’s Big Love, there is just something seriously creepy to the whole show. I felt like I was watching the opening to another Criminal Minds rerun. These gals and their “man” are straight-up freaks…no two-ways about it.

Football Wives, Real Housewives (of Anywhere), and all other “Wives” Shows [VH1, BRAVO] I’m sorry but there is not a single appealing thing about these shows or anyone on them. I’m not on my high-horse here because I am guilty of watching some truly mind-numbing shows that make me feel like I am dumber for having seen it, but this is a whole new level. There’s the train wreck appeal that some people can’t pass up, but this is more of a Matchbox car crash than anything else. The people/characters have zero redeeming qualities, characteristics, or talents to offer this world and should be treated as such.

Ice Road Truckers [History] This show as mildly amusing (not quite entertaining) during the first season. After the subsequent season and spin-offs (yes, even shows about truck drivers have copycats) we all have experienced the “NASCAR effect” and have come to terms with the fact that we could care less about watching unless anybody crashes. While we may hate ourselves for feeling that way, we don’t feel guilty enough to actually tune in.

The Event [NBC] I just couldn’t get into this Lost and 24 knockoff. The commercials alone drove me to hate it before ever watching it. After seeing the premiere, the commercials were the least reason not to like the show.

American Chopper [TLC] Do we really not have enough family drama going on in all of our personal lives that we need to watch it air out on TV? A show that used to be about building pretty sick choppers has turned into a melodramatic family squabble. It’s pathetic to watch.

Detroit 1-8-7 [ABC] I really gave this one a shot but there’s just nothing there to keep me interested. Michael Imperioli (Christopher Moltisanti from The Sopranos) is decent but not good enough to carry the show. Unfortunately in a landscape filled with cop dramas, this one’s fate might be sealed.

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE AND WHY WON’T YOU COME BACK?

Shark [CBS] Not sure why James Woods’ lawyer drama went away but he is always solid so I hope for a return one day.

Numb3rs [CBS] They left us open-ended but it was a solid all around crime drama that needs to be resurrected.  

NOT INCLUDED DUE TO MISSING LAST/CURRENT SEASON BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE DON’T CLICK ON MY LINKS ENOUGH TO PAY FOR AN HBO SUBSCRIPTION!

Eastbound & Down: Season 2 [HBO] Yes I know, it’s blasphemous that The Movie Mind who is Kenny Powers’ biggest fan (and an apparent lookalike I’m told) hasn’t yet tuned into Season 2. I will be purchasing the DVD as soon as it hits and have heard from reputable sources that I trust that it’s a season not to miss.

Entourage [HBO] Again, from trustworthy sources I hear that the show is going downhill. I’ve sensed it a bit after the prior season anyway. The writers have started to forget what made the show successful in the first place. The story is about Vince and his crew who happened to win the lottery that most groups of guys all dream about. We could care less about Turtle’s music career or E’s self-identity crisis. We want Johnny Drama and the gang ripping each other unmercifully while partying it up like they could care less about tomorrow. Man getting old sucks onscreen as much as it does in real life!

Boardwalk Empire [HBO] This is one of the shows that might actually make me pay for HBO again. The Sopranos going off the air was responsible for a ton of lost business for the Home Box Office, but they may have struck gold again with this new series. Steve Buscemi is one of my favorite all-time actors and in this role he is a can’t miss. Another DVD that I will purchase the minute it comes out.

Mad Men [AMC] I know I know…it’s ridiculous that someone that writes movie and TV reviews hasn’t seen this show yet. Truth be told, I’m thoroughly disappointed in myself for missing it for so long and now it’s just too much to go back and start from the beginning. I really don’t want to have my Netflix tied up for the amount of time it would take to get caught up on all those season. Sorry for the letdown folks, but enjoy your treasured little secret and the inside jokes The Movie Mind will never understand. [sigh]

It’s amazing that the NFL still takes  the high road when it comes to gambling on its game. All of the ESPN tlaking heads chastize the practice of gambling on football yet every one of the former mediocre players/coaches/GM’s-turned-talentless schills will make their “picks”…versus the point spread of course. They will all discuss Indy  being a 5 1/2 point favorite in one breath and then spit on Tim Donaughey  in the next. They will talk about covering the spread but still losing the game, yet make a case for keeping Pete Rose out of the HOF . Roger Goodell and David Stern all play the matyr, yet they also realize deep down that they would have about 30% of the viewing audience if gambling wasn’t rampant in their sports.

Gambling on sports has gone through a transformation in the past decade or so. While people always bet on games, it is no longer only through your “guy” or wacky Unlce Sevvy. Online gambling is massive and in the forefront and it only keeps getting bigger. Fantasy Sports, DirecTV’s NFL Sunday Ticket, office pools, and the increased availability of online gambling means on one way or another, the majority or people watching the Super Bowl will have some kind of underground financial outcome riding on the game…or maybe just how many times Kim Kardashian’s mug gets on TV.

With that in mind, I hope you take a look at some of the more comical, entertaining, and just plain weird proposition bets on the Super Bowl XLIV. It used to be that betting on the coin toss was considered crazy, now there’s something for everyone out there, whether it has to do with the game itself or not at all. If they don’t interest you or you don’t gamble, then I applaud you. But I’m willing to bet 5-1 that says something in this list will catch your eye!

NATIONAL ANTHEM
How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the “Star-Spangled Banner” (from starting note to last note sung)?
- Over 1 minute, 42 seconds (+120)
- Under 1 minute, 42 seconds (-150)
TheMovieMind Pick: Under-city…check out her YouTube clips for research (plus when singers get nervous they speed up…not slow down).

GET ON TV
How many times will CBS show Kim Kardashian on TV during the game?
- Over 2.5 (-115)
- Under 2.5 (-115)
The MovieMind Pick: Over 2.5…even though everyone is going over, I think Reggie has a big game and CBS has no shame whatsoever in trying to keep the female viewer attentive.

How Many Times will CBS show Bourbon Street on TV during the Game?
- Over/Under  (2)
The MovieMind Pick: Over. If the Saints can keep it close it will be a big Over. The NFL is dying to get the viewers rooting for NO.

How many times will CBS cut to Archie Manning?
- Over/Under  (4)
The MovieMind Pick: Even though this line shot up from 2.5…I still like the over. Archie has ties to both sides.

How many times will announcers mention Hurricane Katrina?
- Over/Under  (2.5)
(Note: must be full phrase; “Katrina,” “the hurricane,” or “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” not included.)
The MovieMind Pick: Really tough one…I would again go over because the bet does not stipulate that is has to happen during the game. With Nantz having a knack for the uber-dramatic, I say he hits it by himself.

How Many Times will CBS Show Tony Dungy on TV:
- Over 1 ½ TV Shots (-150)
- Under 1 ½ TV Shots(+120)
The MovieMind Pick: Under. I say Dungy makes a point of letting CBS know he doesn’t want to be the focus.

REALITY NONSENSE
Who will have more?
- Kim Kardashian measurements (34-26-39): -38.5 (-115)
- Reggie Bush total rushing and receiving yards: +38.5 (-115)
The MovieMind Pick: Yes, believe it or not Kardashian’s measurements are available via Google. The measurement total 99, and it’s minus 38.5 so that means Bush has to pick up 60.5 yards. I’ll take Bush and the over and hope Kardashian doesn’t scoff down too much gumbo before the game.

Higher: Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend rushing yards, or Chloe’s husband points/rebounds/assists?
- Lamar Odom (Chloe) +0.5
The MovieMind Pick: I think Bush does more from the receiving end and for that reason I take Odom.

Will Kim Kardashian Wear a Saints Shirt or Jersey:
- Yes (+150)
- No (-200)
The MovieMind Pick: Not sure of her clothing history (you may want to look it up) but if she doesn’t wear his jersey in support he needs to kick her to the curb (again). Take Yes.

HALFTIME
Will Pete Townshend smash a guitar on stage during the halftime show?
- Yes (+160)
- No (-200)
The MovieMind Pick: Townshend was specifically selected by the NFL to be the “safe”pick. As much as I hope he stumbles in straight off Bourban Street loaded on Hurricanes, I’d pick against the guitar smash.

How many times will The Who’s Pete Townshend do his windmill move?
Over/Under  (5.5)
The MovieMind Pick: Over…I think he needs to atone for not being able to smash any guitars.

MVP
Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first?
- Coach (+900)
- Doesn’t thank anyone (+500)
- Family (+400)
- God (-125)
- Teammates (+200)
The MovieMind Pick: Manning or Brees are the most likely winners. I like the money on Teammates with God being the big favorite. I personally would take a flier on the fans, especially if Brees wins it.

GATORADE
What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?    
- Yellow 1/1    
- Clear/Water 7/5  
- Orange 4/1 
- Lime Green 5/1
- Red 12/1  
- Blue 12/1
The MovieMind Pick: I like the longshot…go Red (it’s the new clear).

What side of the ball will the Players that perform the Gatorade Shower be from?
- Offensive  (+140)        
- Defensive  (-170)
The MovieMind Pick: I think the defense for the winning team will be on the sideline when the game wins so I like the D here.

ARRESTS
How many current NFL Players will be arrested during Super Bowl Week?
- Over/Under  (0.5)
The MovieMind Pick: I can’t see either of these teams having a Barrett Robbins or Eugene Robinson.Go Under and if you find any of the guys on Bourban Street this week…send them home!

HISTORICAL MATCHUPS:
Total Rushing Yards, which will be higher?
- Joseph Addai Sunday  (+175)  
- Addai Super Bowl XLI (77 Rushing Yards)  (-215)
The MovieMind Pick: Gimme Addai’s SB XLI total all day…I don’t think he’ll even be the leading rusher on his own team Sunday.

Total Passing Yards, which will be higher?
- Drew Brees Sunday  (+120) 
-  Dan Marino Super Bowl XIX  (318 Passing Yards) (-150)
The MovieMind Pick: Brees…whether winning or losing, the Saints 2nd half performance against the Vikes in the NFC Championship proves they are not the running team they thought they are. They need to air it out.

Will they show clothing apparel proclaiming the Super Bowl Champion before the final whistle?
- Yes   (-130)   
- No  (Even)

CBS
Shots of featured cast members of any CSI show in the stands:
- Over/Under  (1.5)
 
Commercials for or mentions of the Masters:
- Over/Under  (7.5)

Commercials for or mentions of Undercover Boss, the new reality series premiering after the game:
- Over/Under  (14.5)

THE GAME
References to Peyton Manning studying film:
- Over/Under  (3.5)

References to Drew Brees studying film:
- Over/Under  (0.5)

Will there be a graphic of a grade-three ankle sprain? If so, will that graphic rotate to better see the ligament in question?
- Yes/No

Will Saints kicker Garrett Hartley’s four-game suspension for taking Adderall be mentioned?
- Yes/No

How many plays will be subjected to replay review?
- Over/Under  (4.5)

FAMILY
Will Peyton’s mother Olivia Manning be mentioned by name?
- Yes/No

Will Peyton’s older brother Cooper Manning be mentioned by name?
- Yes/No

Will Peyton’s wife Ashley Manning be mentioned by name?
- Yes/No

Will Drew’s wife Brittany Brees be mentioned by name?
- Yes/No

Will any other player’s wife, child, or sibling be mentioned by name?
- Yes/No

COMMERCIALS
Ads featuring talking animals:
- Over/Under  (3.5)

Ads that encourage you to go to the Web to watch the “uncensored” or “extended” version:
- Over/Under  (2.5)

BASKETBALL CROSSOVERS
Who Will Have More:
- Shaq ONeal (Cavs) + Kobe Bryant (Lakers) Points -2.5 (-115)
- Drew Brees (Saints) Pass Attempts 2.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Lebron James (Cavs) + Kobe Bryant (Lakers) Points -1.5 (-115)
- Saints+Colts Points 1.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Lebron James (Cavs) Points -5.5 (-115)
- Saints Points 5.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Lebron James (Cavs) Points 0 (-115)
- Colts Points 0 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Lebron James (Cavs) Points -2.5 (-115)
- Saints/Colts 1st Half Points 2.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Lebron James (Cavs) Points+Rebounds+Assists 9.5 (-115)
- Saints+Colts Points -9.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Shaq ONeal (Cavs) Points+Rebounds -0.5 (-115)
- Saints/Colts 2nd Quarter Points 0.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Kobe Bryant (Lakers) Points -1.5 (-115)
- Saints Points 1.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Kobe Bryant (Lakers) Points 3.5 (-115)
- Colts Points -3.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Kobe Bryant (Lakers) Points+Assists 3.5 (-115)
- Peyton Manning (Colts) Pass Attempts -3.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Kobe Bryant (Lakers) Free Throws Made -0.5 (-115)
- Marques Colston (Saints) Receptions 0.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Kevin Durant (Thunder) Points 8.5 (-115)
- Peyton Manning (Colts) Longest Completion -8.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Kings/Raptors 1st Quarter Points 3.5 (-115)
- Pierre Garcon (Colts) Receiving Yards -3.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More on Feb 7th 2010
- Chris Bosh (Raptors) Points+Rebounds 0.5 (-115)
- Peyton Manning (Colts) Pass Attempts -0.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Chris Bosh (Raptors) Free Throws Made 0 (-115)
- Saints/Colts Total Touchdowns 0 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Dwight Howard (Magic) Points 14.5 (-115)
- Colts Points -14.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Paul Pierce (Celtics) Points -6.5 (-115)
- Saints+Colts Margin of Victory in Super Bowl XLIV 6.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Kendrick Perkins (Celtics) Points -2.5 (-115)
- Matt Stover (Colts) Total Points 2.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Ray Allen (Celtics) Free Throws Made -0.5 (100)
- Peyton Manning (Colts) TD Passes 0.5 (-130)

Who Will Have More:
- Luke Harangody (Notre Dame) Points+Rebounds -0.5 (-115)
- Distance Of 1st Made Field Goal in Super Bowl XLIV 0.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Evan Turner (Ohio St) Points 5.5 (-115)
- Peyton Manning (Colts) Completions -5.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Wesley Johnson (Syracuse) Points+Rebounds 2.5 (-115)
- Saints/Colts 1st Half Points -2.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Greivis Vasquez (Maryland) Points+Assists -0.5 (-115)
- Reggie Wayne (Colts) Longest Reception 0.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Ohio State Points -3.5 (-115)
- Dallas Clark (Colts) Receiving Yards 3.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More
- Indiana+Northwestern Points 62.5 (-115)
- Saints+Colts Rushing Yards -62.5 (-115)

HOCKEY CROSSOVERS
Who Will Have More:
- Michigan+Wisconsin Goals Scored (College Hockey) 1.5 (-140)
- Saints/Colts Total Touchdowns -1.5 (110)

Who Will Have More:
- Bruins Shots on Goal 1.5 (-115)
- Colts Points -1.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Michael Cammalleri (Canadiens) Shots on Goal 1.5 (-115)
- Reggie Bush (Saints) Total Rushing Attempts -1.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Penguins+Capitals Goals 0.5 (-145)
- Saints/Colts Total Touchdowns -0.5 (115)

Who Will Have More:
- Sidney Crosby (Penguins) Points (Goals+Assists) -0.5 (-115)
- Drew Brees (Saints) Total Interceptions 0.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More:
- Alexander Ovechkin (Capitals) Points (Goals+Assists) -0.5 (-140)
- Garrett Hartley (Saints) Total Field Goals MADE 0.5 (110)

Who Will Have More:
- Alexander Ovechkin (Capitals) Shots on Goal 0 (-115)
- Colts 1st Quarter Points 0 (-115)

GOLF CROSSOVERS
Who Will Have More on Feb 7th 2010 (Golfers Must Tee off 4th Round & Complete 18 Holes)
- Rory McIlroy 4th Round Score at Dubai Desert Classic -0.5 (-115)
- Marques Colston (Saints) Receiving Yards 0.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More on Feb 7th 2010 (Golfers Must Tee off 4th Round & Complete 18 Holes)
- Rory McIlroy 4th Round Birdies at Dubai Desert Classic -0.5 (-115)
- Saints 1st Quarter Points 0.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More on Feb 7th 2010 (Golfers Must Tee off 4th Round & Complete 18 Holes)
- Lee Westwood 4th Round Score at Dubai Desert Classic -4.5 (-115)
- Joseph Addai (Colts) Total Rushing Yards 4.5 (-115)

Who Will Have More on Feb 7th 2010 (Golfers Must Tee off 4th Round & Complete 18 Holes)
- Phil Mickelson 4th Round Birdies at Northern Trust Open -0.5 (-135)
- Peyton Manning (Colts) TD Passes 0.5 (105)

Who Will Have More on Feb 7th 2010 (Golfers Must Tee off 4th Round & Complete 18 Holes)
- Phil Mickelson 4th Round Score at Northern Trust Open -22.5 (-115)
- Saints/Colts Longest TD of the Game 22.5 (-115)

Higher: Peyton Manning TD passes, or Phil Mickelson’s fourth-round birdies?
- Mickelson, +0.5

SOCCER CROSSOVERS
Who Will Have More on Feb 7th 2010
- Arsenal+Chelsea Goals -0.5 (130)
- Drew Brees (Saints) TD Passes 0.5 (-160)

Who Will Have More:
- AC Milan+Bologna Goals 0.5 (130)
- Saints/Colts Field Goals Made -0.5 (-160)

Who Will Have More:
- Roma+Fiorentina Goals 1.5 (105)
- Pat McAfee (Colts) Total Punts -1.5 (-135)

RACING CROSSOVERS
Who Will Have More:
- Winning Car Number at BUD Shootout (NASCAR) 3.5 (-115)
- Saints/Colts 1st Half Points -3.5 (-115)

White Men Can’t Jump

- Sydney and Billy Ho take their hustle from Rucker Park all the way to the And-1 Bus tour, and realize their only targets left are in the 50 & Over church leagues.

Office Space

 - Lumburgh forms an Initech company softball team and in the championship game faces Intertrode. In the bottom of the ninth, Michael Bolten hits a two-out homerun, sings a Tupac ballad on his trot around the bases, as Samir screams from the dugout, “Naaagaa…naaggaa…naagganna win here anymore!” We learn that Lawrence has lived his dream without being a millionaire by in fact, doing two chicks at the same time.

Rounders

- Worm has earned a seat at the Final Table of the World Series of Poker, except loses big in a high stakes ring game the night before the finals and is forced to throw the main event as payment. We learn that Teddy KGB had been ejected during Day 1 for flinging his Oreo’s at Phil Helmuth’s face and threatening to end his life.

The Program

- Joe Kane is now offensive coordinator at ESU and the Wolfpack are in the hunt for the BCS title game. After getting blown out in their regular season finale by upstart Utah University, a non-BCS school, all but blowing their national title hopes, Kane gets hammered at the press conference and openly reveals that Coach Lattimer supplies his players with more juice than a Minute Maid factory.

Jerry Maguire

- That cute little kid is now a flame-throwing lefty coming out of high school in southern Cal and is a projected 1st rounder. In the biggest sports story of the year, he spurns Jerry Maguire, aka “dad”, to sign with Bob Sugar. He takes his $27 million signing bonus and tells Jerry he should have never messed with his mom.

Boogie Nights

- In the most amazing twist of fate, Dirk and Reed Rothchild are in the midst of an international tour for their single, “Feel feel feel…feel my heat”, which has been #1 on the Billboard charts for 72 consecutive weeks. Scotty has become an award winning Hollywood producer, the first to cross over from the porn industry and create legitimate blockbusters.

Cable Guy

- Chip Douglas has gotten out of his court mandated counseling program and just landed a new job as a caddy at a high class golf club. Needless to say, while some members are thoroughly impressed with his course acumen, they begin to worry when threats of him revealing their “real” handicaps comes back to haunt them.

Being John Malkovich

- Even though I can’t possibly think of a better character to build a movie around living inside their head than Malkovich, it does to bring to light some other possibilities of interest, such as “Being Joaquin Phoenix” or even “Been Chris Farley”.

Anchorman

- As we witness The Continued Legend of Ron Burgandy, we find Ron in the tail end of his career as an ESPN analyst. His timeless on-air fight with Stuart Scott (think: Boo-Yaa this bitch!) and multiple sexual harassment suits by Suzy Colburn have pushed him over to anchor-hell, also known as ESPN2. We watch in awe as Ron overcomes the loss of Baxter and gets control over his scotch obsession to mark the first time ESPN-“The Deuce” has ever reached #1 in the cable rankings, even beating its own parent station. In true Burgandy fashion, he delivers a final on-air, “Suck it Stuart Scott.”

Swingers

- Trent (Vince) owns a Vegas lounge, Mike (Favreau) was kicked out of the Friars’ Club for being the worst roaster they have ever had, and Sue has gotten his old “House of Pain” buddies a recurring gig at the Vegas look-alike singer revue. To be honest, I don’t care what the premise is as long as they get Vince and Favreau run wild again in Vegas and LA.

Groundhog Day

- This time it’s Cinco de Mayo, and while in Mexico filming a news spot on the increase in tequila imports, Phil (Bill Murray) finds himself waking up in a seedy Mexican brothel over and over again, only this time he actually chooses to just relive the same exact day for the rest of his life.

Old School & The Hangover

- In a perfect mesh of two all-time classic films which evoke some form of reminiscing of the good ol’ days, Mitch is getting hitched and the boys decide to throw him a little soirée in Vegas before the big day. Frank the Tank takes some time off as the Dean of Students and rounds up the old crew including his cousin, Alan (Zack Galifianakis) and his boys. After getting arrested for tax evasion, Beanie has been a concert acoustics consultant and is able to get the hook up for the big day.

Boiler Room

- Seth is back and after raking in a small fortune from his underground casino, and he decides to really gamble with his money by opening up his own Hedge Fund. He calls some of the old speed dialers and they all hit the phones hard, pitching crazy returns and can’t miss hits. They live the good life for about 2 years while flying under the radar until Seth is taken down by his longtime cash-cow and partner, Bernie Madoff.

Coming to America

- After going back to Zamunda and raising their son, Prince Akeem and Lisa McDowell. I mean- Princess Lisa, send him off to America to learn about American culture and find love. Played by Chris Rock, the boy has his share of adjusting and finds himself on a VH1 reality show trying to find the perfect match.

My Cousin Vinny

- Now a high-flying defense attorney, Vinny is hired for the high profile defense of an ex-football star who is charged with murdering his wife and her alleged lover. Vinny has to navigate his way through the LA law enforcement and corruption and decide whether or not he really believes his client or not.

Twins

- Michael Clark Duncan and Jackie Chan team up to find their real family. No seriously, that’s the whole movie.

Zoolander

- Derek and Matilda’s child is breaking onto the modeling scene and with revolutionary new looks: Solstice and Velveteen. After overcoming his uni-turner handicap, he becomes the hottest mannequin in the biz. Derek eventually has to bring his son back to earth by teaching him how there is more to life than being professionally good-looking.

Super Troopers

- The troop forms a local task force to nab Farva’s multinational bootleg DVD business. They need to collaborate with the feds and take him down despite the agents’ concerns that there is an inside man. Rabbit is the prime suspect, of course.

Along Came Polly

- Sandy Lyle opened his own insurance agency and specializes in providing risk management to child stars. Reuben and Polly try to fill his last void: a wife. But it’s not as easy as it seems when all the women he meets just want him to play those bagpipes.

Owning Mahowny

- Dan Mahowny completes his court ordered therapy and Gamblers Anonymous sessions and gets connected with the MIT Blackjack Team. He convinces them that playing against the house when you have a real advantage is defeating the purpose of gambling all together. His advice leads to the ultimate demise and bankruptcy of the MIT Blackjack Team.

Instead of keeping you guessing about what demographic I fall into and where my “target audience” lies, I have relayed these comments about what others in my wheelhouse might think. I didn’t write them, but the point is that me and the guy who did write them are probably playing in the same league. Enjoy.

TOP 47 THOUGHTS FROM PEOPLE OUR AGE:

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

- I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

- The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

- My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

- I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

- I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

- There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

- Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Bad decisions make good stories

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.