Real picture of Italian dude picking his nose

It’s a new era of TheMovieMind.com and what better way to set it off then by trying out a brand new feature called, “I wanted to write an update of my trip to France & Italy for my boys and family and didn’t have enough time to write a new movie/sports article so figured I would use the trip recap as a new post on the site”, otherwise known as, “The Movie Mind Abroad”. I’d like to think it’s just picking up on the groundwork I laid 4 years ago on my journey to Prefontaine’s hometown. Damn I plan well.

For a quick backstory, my close bud and former college roommate (Keys) was tying the knot in France so there was no better excuse for the The Movie Mind to make the trek abroad than this one. After all, Keys and I had collectively put up an impressive resume in our years living together, including:

• Assembling the Greatest Madden football team ever called the Eugene Felons (we were able to find a glitch in the system where a player could be named All-Pro at multiple positions; I think the created players in our likenesses earned the nod for at least 4 positions each)
• Completed a grueling First (and Last) Annual Wok n’ Du Bikeathon by deciding one [late] night to ride our bikes after having the breakfast of champions from a Chinese restaurant in CT and finishing up having dinner at the holy grail of Chinese restaurants, Chengdu 46. Miles biked: 60+. Longest miles biked prior to that trip: 3. Encounters with the law: 1. Distance we were able to walk the following day: 0. Greatest Peking duck you’ve ever had in your freakin’ life: Priceless.
• Created the most successful fictional company ever assembled in the world [in the business category of making mix CDs and marketing them as a party on a disc yet not having any sales because you care too much about the “craft”] called Hottish Productions.
• Pioneered riding bicycles to a bar so that we were being responsible and not drinking and driving yet only to find out courtesy of the police that apparently drinking while biking is an actual serious offense and not something to laugh about.
• Were known as the “Famous Pizza Men” before college ever officially started thanks to having the sheer audacity to break curfew during football training camp to order a pizza because we were friggin starving from the 10-hours of [NCAA violating] football practice that day that our nutjob coach took offense to.
• Once spent an entire 5-hour car ride playing our own version of the Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon by naming a movie, an actor in it, the character’s name, a quote, and then connecting it to another movie with a common actor and repeating approx. 1,600 times before reaching the destination. 

 Now that you have a better understanding of the inspiration for The Movie Mind’s pilgrimage to his partner in [alleged] crime’s wedding, I’ll get to the details.

 We (now referring to Mrs. Movie Mind and me just so the story didn’t start to get weird if you still thought I was talking about Keys and me) got into Nice airport on Friday morning from a red eye the previous night. Our flight was pretty uneventful, and I literally caught 20 minutes of sleep (thanks to Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, which even though I am physically unable to sleep on planes still managed to knock me out briefly). We spent a couple hours walking around the beach area in Nice, which was nice.

 After grabbing a quick lunch on a beachfront place, we headed to the Chateau where Keys was to tie the knot. We would be staying there for 3 nights. On our way, I received a quick indoctrination on European driving. I thought driving in Nice was tough, but at least those lanes had enough room for an actual car. Once we got off the highway heading to the Chateau, it was a road that would be the size of a 1-laner here in the US, yet it was for cars going both directions. I was almost run off the road (literally, the car was leaning and the wheels were in the dirt of the cliff right next to us) by a farm truck. I realized nobody can make fun of Jersey drivers anymore cause these people are nuts on the road. [Side note: I later wondered why they all drive so fast and dangerously after realizing that with 3 hour mid-day siesta’s, where were they so hurried off to?]

Quickly we realized that the single smartest decision I have ever made in my entire life was to buy a new GPS with world maps before the trip. We literally might still be asking for directions if not for it. It got us to the Chateau nicely, sans a very last fork in the road which led us to a random person’s house maybe 1/4 mile away from where we were supposed to be. The GPS literally directed me to drive through the vineyard between us and the Chateau. I wondered whether this was like that episode of the office where the GPS made Michael drive into the lake. Not wanting to pull a “Scott” my first day there, we decide to backtrack and take the other route of the fork. Good decision.

Upon pulling up to the entrance of the Chateau and it looks literally like a castle in a fairy tale (I know this because Mrs. Movie Mind told me it did). I literally uttered, “sweet oden’s raven” when I pulled up. It was just in the most perfect setting I’d ever seen, with a long driveway lined by trees and set amongst nothing but vineyards. We pull in and right away see Keys and the future Mrs. Keys sitting on a table outside. It’s the first time we met her in person and you’re damn straight we brought it in for the real thing.

Le Pool

The soon to be newlyweds were wrapping up some last minute wedding deets (things like one of Keys’ buddy’s flights was cancelled that day and he was figuring out how the hell to get him over there) so we went to the room in the chateau and explored the grounds a bit. We sat and listened to…absolutely nothing. It was so quiet, serene, and picturesque. Some more peeps started arriving and got to see Keys’ bro-ski for the first time in like 8 years. Also got to meet Future Mrs. Keys family for the first time and quickly learned they were really good peeps. It was nice to be in a completely foreign land and yet feel so welcome right off the bat. Keys hooked us up with the first of about 106 glasses of wine I would have on the trip (note: conservative estimate). We proceeded to the pool and I wasn’t scared to be the first one to jump in (actually I was quite scared and waited to make sure nobody was around). It’s pretty damn cool floating around in the pool with some vino while overlooking nothing but quietness and vineyards. Off to a great start.

That night we headed over to a villa that Mr. & Mrs. Keys had rented since they graciously invited everyone over for dinner and drinks. It was great seeing Keys’ ‘rents…haven’t seen them in like 8-years either. We hung for a while at the villa and saw lots of other peeps that I hadn’t seen in like-ok you get the point. We had excellent wine (FYI the area we were in specialized in Rose wine so that’s mostly what we had while there) and a home cooked French dinner. It was freakin delicious wine, not too sweet, and even more amazing was after drinking the equivalent of a barrel of it, I did not get a hangover. I feel like a connoisseur now that I know to order Rose wines from Cotes De Provence. After the dinner, there was a very heartfelt speech from both Keys himself and Mr. Keys. The speeches would bring on Mrs. Movie Mind saying “I just love his family!” for the 1st of merely 250 times! At this point we had both been well passed the 24-hr no sleep mark and were it not for the abundance of wine we consumed, may have passed out right there in the pool. Nonetheless we made it back to the chateau and got a good night’s sleep.

Morning of the wedding we woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed. We headed out to explore some of the nearby towns to try and stay out of Key’s hair before the wedding. Side bar: I give the dude big props for hosting all the guests for basically 3 full days including leading up to and after the wedding. I don’t know how you guys feel but I know after my wedding the next day I was ready to hit the honeymoon and get the hell out of dodge as fast as possible. I give Keys credit for taking care of everyone the whole time, including for a full day after the wedding. Not easy to do.

Cotignac

Nonetheless, we explored 2 small towns that morning and afternoon: Cotignac and TourTour. Both towns literally required driving through the mountains to get to. Imagine it being 20 miles away yet taking an hour and a half to get to. On some of the turns the GPS made it look like we were literally doing a 180-degree turn and driving right back over where we were. If you went 6-8 inches too far the right, you literally fell off a cliff. Not kidding. Those 2 towns were absolutely gorgeous though. They were completely authentic small French towns and we were able to sit at some cafes and overlook the piazzas (I forget the French term for it already and am melding our Italy trip into there but you get the point). This was the first of many instances when I ordered something and had absolutely no idea what was coming. I know, I’m adventurous. I must say I made a strong effort to speak the lingo but I was reminded by the Mrs. that it was “New Jersey-French”. I’m not sure but I don’t think that was a compliment. Every time I tried to say “merci (medrrrr-seee)”, it came out a lot more like “say mercy motha-f’er!!” Still I tried, but every time I sought to bring in the French accent, it kept sounding to me like everything I said was “I surrender”. I kid I kid!!! I think this might be a dynamite time to mention that I honestly thought the French people were extremely courteous, nice, helpful, and just cool peeps. Basically, not at all like you hear them spoken about in America and maybe that’s because most Americans are a-holes. I don’t know, could be either. I don’t really think all ‘Marcans are a-holes but I do think we sometimes seem shocked that other places do things differently than we do. I’m guilty of that at times but I’ve found things go a lot smoother if you adapt a little bit. In reality though, I think some of it had to do with the fact that we were fairly remote and not in the big cities (ie. Paris) so these were genuine, kind, real people. Look at it like the midwest of France, only much, much nicer looking (I still love ya KC).

 We explored both Cotignac and TourTour, looked at the amazing ancient buildings and architecture (I can be cultured when I want to be), took lots of pics, had some amazing food (hello steak and frites!) and cheap delicious wine, and headed back to the chateau. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that when we sat at a cafe in Cotignac (our first stop) that the Mrs. actually started tearing up. She was literally that happy about sitting there since she always wanted a very “authentic” trip like this. Very cool.

Red Carpet Entrance

 Upon getting back to the chateau, we laid out by the pool, had some more wine (I could actually enjoy some now since I didn’t have to worry about wandering 6 inches too far on the road and dropping off a cliff), and got ready for the wedding. Oh yeah there’s one small detail about pulling back up to the chateau when we got back there: there was a red-carpet laid out about 300-feet long all on the dirt driveway leading up to the entrance. I told Keys it was about time he recognized there was some American royalty in the house and that he didn’t have to go to those lengths for me but I still appreciated it. It was at this point that I jokingly wondered if he would be riding up the red carpet on a white horse. Ok I wasn’t joking.

 Once it was time for the wedding, we got all dolled up (that’s Butler NJ-speak for a suit) and headed out there. We had a little [more] wine, marveled at the gorgeous setup of the wedding (2 nice flower pillars with the red carpet behind them and vineyards and rolling hills in the background), and soaked it all in. The ceremony was really touching and they meshed the 2 different cultures and religions together beautifully. I was 1 seamless ceremony with 2 traditions, and not the other way around. The bride’s dress was absolutely beautiful (this is not to say I am a dress aficionado by any stretch. In fact, I think all brides’ dresses are beautiful so my opinion may not carry a lot of weight here. However, my wife and the other ladies she made friends with all gushed about it so I think that gives it a lot more credence then my own word). Another side note: I thought the pastor did a very nice job with the whole thing. He had a very sincere speech/homily and was able to speak some parts in German so both families could understand it. But Keys, I hope you did notice that the dude was a dead ringer for John Kruk. Really, I thought you flew in the Krukster from the Baseball Tonight set in Bristol for the wedding. At least he must have been some long lost relative.

 The wedding ceremony transitioned to a gorgeous reception with seating set up in the outdoor courtyard of the Chateau. There was a ton of dancing, great food, and plenty of laughs and smiles all around. It’s really amazing how you can tell when two people are genuinely so happy and their families feel the same way. It really just makes the whole event. Another cool thing about European weddings is that they do not shut down at 11pm or midnight like over here. I think we made it to about 2am and were being mocked for “turning in early”. Basically I had gotten less sleep in 2 days than since senior year in college when we’d go right from Foxwoods to 8am religious studies class and I was being mocked for it!

The next morning was a nice brunch at the chateau with everyone hanging around, relaxing, and telling stories from the night before. I was thrilled to be able to see my boy Keys again and spend some time more with him and his new bride. After the brunch, we decided to take a quick trip to Saint Tropez and see the beautiful beach and town. I had mentioned that the roads heading to TourTour were bad, but it’s because I hadn’t yet seen these roads. When I say we were driving through the mountains, man I mean we drove through mountains. Over them, around them, under them…this was crazy driving. The weather wasn’t the best that day so we didn’t get the full effect of the town but you could still get a good feel for it. It’s a really gorgeous town on the waterfront with some big boats in the harbor and tons of shopping to do. Basically, you need to be a player to roll there in style so needless to say I was not rolling in style.

 When we left the chateau and region on Monday morning, Keys and his new bride finally got to head out to Saint Tropez for their relaxing honeymoon. While he did provide me with in-depth details of their honeymoon week, I swore I wouldn’t disclose them in this article since some women and children might be reading it (just kidding Mrs. Keys). We ended up saying our good byes to head out on the rest of our journey. It was an amazing 3 days in an awesome location, celebrating a great occasion with a kickass party. By the way, did I mention that Keys slyly dropped that “Brad & Angelina” were staying in the chateau behind where we were? The funniest thing is that he’s a very humble guy and not a name dropper at all so it just sounded funny when he said it, but at the same time I wouldn’t have been surprised to see them drop in on the wedding with gift in hand for the couple. Much to my Mrs.’ Dismay, it didn’t happen (not sure if she wanted to meet Brad or call Angelina a home wrecker more though).

Cannes

 The day we left the chateau was our busiest day of the trip and even though it was hectic, it was still a blast. We drove to Cannes and I stood on the red carpeted steps where the Film Festival is held each year (2 red carpets in one trip…not too shabby). I also vowed to return as an actual invited guest one day. It also needs to be said that if anybody is going to the South of France – you must stop in Cannes. It’s got an authentic small French town feel, yet also the presence of a big city. Oh yeah, and it sits on a gorgeous beach.

 After spending a few hours in Cannes and enjoying every minute of it, we headed off to the mecca of excess known as Monaco. For someone who’s a middling player in low-level carnie casino games that likes to fashion himself as a gambler such as me, it was paradise. I marched right into Casino Monte Carlo like I owned the place and actually left closer to owning it then when I walked in. I sat down with 100 EU and plopped it down on the blackjack “tourist table”. I call it that because when you go in there’s an open gambling room anyone can play in. Then there’s a room behind that you need to pay an entry fee to get into. Then there’s yet another room behind that which I’m pretty sure you must own at least a small country to get into. Needless to say I only made it into room #1. Nonetheless, it took me all of 30 minutes to double up precisely (plus a 5 EU chip for a souvenir. Not too shabby.

 Couple of notes for those of you interested in checking out the casino there…first of all, it’s not Vegas. I’m sure you knew this already but it’s 1000x more reserved there and so sitting at the tables sounded like you were at a funeral. Personally, I like some rowdiness so it was hard to get the adrenaline pumping too much. Second, they play blackjack differently. It took me a few hands to figure out what the hell was going on but basically the dealer does not take his 2^ndcard until everyone around the table takes the hits they want. Therefore, it’s hard to say when you take a dealer’s bust card because it’s actually 2 more cards away. Just a little tidbit in case you play there. I’m pretty sure the Prince of Monaco just decides there when he feels like taking your money anyway, win or lose.

Monte Carlo $

Also, remember when Rodney Dangerfield said to Smails in Caddyshack, “My dingy is bigger than your whole boat”? Well, let’s just says some of the boats there had life-rafts bigger than even Dangerfield’s boat. Chris Rock once said, there’s wealthy, and then there’s rich. Let’s just say in Monaco, the guy who owns the $500k Rolls Royce Phantom convertible with custom teak wood that sits directly out front of the casino is merely wealthy. The guy with the 300’ yacht that looks like a Celebrity cruise-liner with a helipad on it parked behind the casino…well I suppose he’s rich.

 One more note about the casino…when walking in they asked me to take off my hat. Now normally I turn right around whenever I’m asked to do that, but it being Monaco and Casino Monte Carlo and all, I happily obliged. But let it be known that next time I’m at a place in NYC with a bunch of wannabe’s, hipsters, and trust-fund babies/hedge fund guys, and they ask me to take off my hat, I will politely respond that I take my hat off to go inside Casino Monte Carlo in Monaco, not some rat-fest bar with pee stains on the floor.

San Remo Beach

Moving on from Monaco we headed off to San Remo, a small beach town across the border of France. I won’t bore you with the details of having to return a rental car in the country you rented it to avoid paying a ridiculous fee, but let’s just say I would have needed to stay in the casino another 4 hours to cover the cost. Instead, we dropped the rental car off in Menton, France and then train & cabbed it to San Remo from there.

Once we got to San Remo we were exhausted but had a nice little dinner at a very delicious and authentic restaurant. I had my first of many Caprese salads which was the best one I ever had (up to that point). The thing was, each one I had after it was even better. I had also made a crucial decision to avoid eating any pasta of any kind while in France as a way of saving it up for Italy. Man did I sure make up for it. Having fresh pasta each night with delicious homemade ragus is probably one of the most incredible things you could experience.

 After spending the morning laying out on the beach in San Remo, we headed off to the next stop, Lucca. This was the longest shot of driving and I sure got a good taste of the Italian drivers at this point. I had been warned by many people at the wedding that it would be a tough go because Italian drivers were nuts, but I have to say it wasn’t that bad (caveat: until I got to Rome, but more on that later). We were finally doing some highway driving and even though I sure felt like I was flying, people kept passing by me like I wasn’t even moving. It is probably worth noting that when we picked up the new rental car in San Remo it was a manual, which is something I probably hadn’t driven in over a decade. Some nifty maneuvering and a burnt clutch later, I managed to get the hang of it.

Lucca

 We arrived in Lucca which is sort of the start of the Tuscany region and let me tell you, this place was literally unbelievable. I would say that anyone heading to that region of Italy MUST stop and spend some time in Lucca. It could just be a day or 2, but it is completely worth it. I had really wanted to go to Parma but it was too far out of the way of our path. Also, I only wanted to go there because it sounded cool when I read Playing for Pizza by John Grisham. But everything that Grisham illustrated in his novel literally came to life in Lucca. It was everything I imagined that Parma was, only in a different spot.

 After an enjoyable day in Lucca, walking the cobblestone streets, sipping wine in a couple of piazzas and enjoying some meats and cheeses, we headed off to our official “Tuscan retreat” in San Quirico d’Orcia. It’s a very small town situated roughly between Siena and Montelpulciano amidst gorgeous rolling hills covered in vineyards and olive trees. You couldn’t see 100 yds without looking at one of the two. It was a very quiet town with a sort of medieval feel. We used it as our home base in Tuscany in order to go out and explore form there. Thankfully we were also able to get a bit of R&R here as well.

 We took a nice day trip to some wineries in Montalcino and got to see the Toscano country-side. Since we were kind of winging it, we’d drive along the main areas where the wineries were and just pull into any we saw that looked nice. I’m sure all the wine-snobs out there are thumbing their nose at that approach, but we quickly found that no matter where we stopped, we weren’t disappointed. We essentially received private tastings because we stopped at a number of places that were small and nobody else was there at the time. We were schooled in the region and history, with some places being passed down from generations in the 1700’s. We also had our fair share of tastings of the particular variety of wine the region is known worldwide for, the Brunello di Montalcino. These are some of the best red wines I’ve ever had. These wines are highly regulated to ensure any wine with this label meets certain standards (made with the Sangiovese grape), and while they are a deep dark color they are so utterly smooth and light.

Tuscany

Now, you might be as smart as we were and tried to run out to your local wine store and pick up a few bottles for dinner. The problem is, we had a bottle at a restaurant (keep in mind restaurant markups) for 18 EU and then looked for that specific bottle here at home. When we had to go into the “special” room at the wine shop I knew we were in trouble: $130 retail (look for an Altesino Brunello di Montalcino). That’s at least a $250 bottle at a restaurant. Needless to say, we won’t be enjoying those again anytime soon.

 At this point you may be wondering, who the hell is this clown that hi-jacked The Movie Mind’s site and wrote about fancy-schmancy wines and rolling hills in Tuscany. Well as my good friend T.J. McCabe said in S.W.A.T., “I may work in the mud, but I certainly like to play in the clouds.”

 Once we left San Quirico it was time for our final destination, Rome. It should also be noted that at this time I had officially had my fill of delicious wine and was looking for a good Italian beer to go along with pizza.

Now I had mentioned that the driving in Rome was less than, shall I say, civil? It was literally impossible to drive in that city because you had 10,000 little moto-scooters (driven by people not fit enough to drive moto-scooters) zig-zagging around traffic on both sides of the roads that were barely big enough to fit a single car. Thankfully as we arrived in Rome it was the end of my driving for the trip otherwise I would have had a heart attack. We returned the rental car and set off on foot around the city, exploring the myriad of monuments at every turn.

If my tone sounds a bit negative about Rome, take it with a grain of salt. First of all, it was 95 degrees when we got there and literally there had to have been a million tourists every single place we went. Also, it was at the end of our trip where we drove the equivalent of about NY – FL, staying usually only for a night (or 2 at most) at each stop. So it’s safe to assume that we were pretty worn out, tired, and just about ready to head home. Couple that with the fact that we spent the entire early part of our whole trip in remote areas amidst peace and tranquility and then finished in a huge, busy, city, and you won’t hear as favorable of a town as you normally would about Rome.

Rome

 Let me say upfront though that the city is pretty amazing. You’re walking down a city street and then BOOM out pops this landmark that has been there for 2,000 years! We did a ton of walking and saw almost everything there. I’m sure there was plenty we missed but you know what they say, “When in Rome…” (Ron Burgandy: “Yes, you were saying? Please go ahead and finish your thought…when in Rome?).

 We toured the Vatican and it was massive. We literally didn’t stop more than a handful of times for pictures and to read the exhibits and it still took us almost 3 hours just to get through it. I’m probably going to get filleted by art critics or something (not sure why they’d be reading this anyway) but once we got to the Sistine Chapel at the end I really wasn’t blown away. I mean is it beautiful? Yes. Is it an amazing work of art? Yes. But keep in mind there’s not a square inch of the whole Vatican that wasn’t hand painted or sculpted and ornate so by the time you hit the Sistine Chapel your sense are a tad bit dulled. Also, I think it also has a slight case of Hollywood-itis going on. Basically, everyone knows that Michelangelo (I think he was the turtle who wore the orange?) painted the ceiling and how long it took him hanging upside-down to do. The same way when Matthew McCounaghey takes his shirt off in a movie, any chick with eyes is going to swoon over the film (you thought I could get through a European excursion recap post without mentioning the McCounaghster, didn’t you?). Basically, Mikey-angelo was the name attached to it which made it that much more marvelous. But if you buried the Sistine Chapel somewhere in the middle of the Vatican, didn’t make a fuss about who painted it, and asked your average visitor to pick out there favorite exhibit, my guess is that it might be in the top 15 listed. You can also thank Brendan Fraser for that phenomenon since there are at least 60 movies whose scripts weren’t worth the paper they were typed on that made it to the big screen because some casting agent knew he would star in it.

Coliseum

 The highlight for me was seeing the Coliseum. I could not fathom standing inside it and walking around a place that was basically the size of a minor league baseball stadium and thinking about all the messed up (or awesome) stuff that used to happen there. I was absolutely in awe when I went there. We also toured the Roma Forum which was cool, but after about the 7,000^th broken column I saw, I got the picture. Other cool sites were the Trevi Fountain, Spanish Steps, and Pantheon. It almost took me the entire time in Rome to stop referring to it as the Parthenon, but I eventually got it right.

 We had some more good meals in Rome and that pizza and beer I had been craving and it was time to head back to the States. The trip was absolutely amazing from start to finish and there are many many memories that will last a lifetime. So just keep in mind my ability to be a little cultured next time you’re hearing me rave about the new movie that probably just made us all dumber for having seen it.

THE GAME

I suppose it would be hard to complain about a game which wasn’t decided until the very last play where a deflected pass fell inches away from diving hands that had they reeled in the ball would have changed the outcome…but I will. The NFL, in its never-ending quest for parity, has come a long way since the blowout Super Bowl wins by the 49ers and Broncos in the 90’s. Over the last 9 Super Bowls, the most lopsided win was when the Saints beat the Colts in XLIV by 14 points, and that game was much closer than the final score indicated. So from the perspective of The Movie Mind being a die-hard football fan, I am happy with the end result and getting to watch a very entertaining game. What I do have a hard time believing though, is that these were the two best teams in the NFL this year. Not to take anything away from the Giants or Pats, because anytime a team weeds their way through a long NFL season and grueling postseason to get to this point, they deserve credit; but let’s be realistic, this was a poorly-played game all-around…with exception of a single player: Eli Manning. Manning was the lone bright-spot on the field for most of the game. He put in about as good of a Super Bowl performance as I’ve ever seen. He was under constant pressure, threw into excruciatingly tight windows of coverage, and had pinpoint precision on almost every pass. Off the top of my head I can count a dozen passes that would have been tipped or picked off had they been 3 inches in the wrong direction. The Pats on the other hand looked uncharacteristically out of sorts and at times even unprepared. The biggest issue I saw though was that they were brutally inconsistent. Brady looked like Tyler Palko suited up in his place for a couple of quarters and then at the end of the half appeared to be the Brady of old. Unfortunately for Beantown fans everywhere though, on this past Sunday, he was no Eli.

Clearly the Pats were a different offense without Gronkowski. They had zero deep threats and the only time they had success was when they dinked and dunked their way down the field. The bottom line is that the G-Men were able to put together big plays thanks to Eli’s arm. They also caught a few lucky breaks thanks to surefire lost fumbles bouncing into their own players’ arms and a dumb Patriots penalty saving them from another crucial give-away. While everyone is talking about the “Welker drop” late in the 4th quarter that handed the ball back to the G-Men (and Giselle’s subsequent gaff reacting to it), they forget that this was not the only Brady pass that sailed off the mark. Welker definitely should have caught that ball as he readily admits, but Brady threw too many passes over the wrong shoulder, behind receivers, high, and scattered all game long. Let’s cut Welker some slack because he was far from the reason the Pats lost.

THE BROADCAST

You can’t go wrong with Al Michaels, but Chris Collinsworth simply rubs me the wrong way. He’s a smug unhappy little man and I don’t like him. He jumped at the chance to criticize Manningham not long before he hauled in a ridiculous catch to move the Giants closer to the game-winning score on the exact same route. When Eli made one of his few lousy passes of the game on a deep fade to Mannginham on the right sideline earlier in the game, Collinsworth pulled out a pre-fabricated graphic displaying the sideline “cushion” and how Mannginham drifted too far on the route thereby negating that cushion. The only problem was, he didn’t drift. Eli led him closer to the sideline and ultimately out of bounds. Yet Collinsworth launched right into a diatribe about the poor route running by Manningham readily armed with a lame-o graphic that looks like it was used to describe a cold-front moving east on the local news. Later, on the first play of the go ahead TD drive, Manningham gave Collinsworth a proverbial “M.I.A. F-U salute” by hauling in an amazing catch on almost the exact same play. Where was the graphic for that one?

HALFTIME

Either Madonna was on Quaaludes or she pulled a Miguel Tejada and she’s really 67 years old. I thought her own performance was stale, stoic, and robotic. Aside from a few minutes of the backup dancers and typical theatrics, the whole thing was a bore. She sang songs we’ve heard 100,000 times with some techno beats lopped in behind it and she literally looked like she was moving in slow motion. We soon found out why she was dancing like a geriatric when she stumbled and narrowly averted a sure-to-be memorable disaster. I’m not saying I was rooting for her to take a dive, but I’m also not saying it wouldn’t have made the whole show a little more entertaining. After short-arm Cee-Lo Green out sang her on their duet and M.I.A. flipped the bird (I didn’t see it – I did hear her drop the sh-t bomb though) I was happy to see it end. Move on Madonna because much like the concept of the “Patriots Dynasty”, your time has passed you by.

COMMERCIALS

I was pleasantly surprised by this year’s crop of commercials aside from a few of the standard retreads and corporate pandering. Doritos & Chevy were the clear winners in the compilation category in my opinion. Doritos had the dog bribing the human abut a missing cat (laughed out loud) and the slingshot baby (chuckled). Chevy also managed to come in strong three-times with the Happy Grad mistaking his gift as a new car instead of the fridge, the Sonic stunt “firsts”, and last but not least, the Silverado end-of-the-world ad where they literally killed off Ford. That was a pretty risqué move and made an impression on a lot of viewers. If you can’t beat your rivals, why not kill them in an over-dramatized Super Bowl ad? Samsung Mobile also took a nice swing at the Apple iPhone and while it carried on a bit too long, the point was made. They were trying to pick a fight with the big boys and may have succeeded.

We also saw a number of nostalgic throwbacks with Ferris Bueller taking a grown-up hooky day in his Honda CRV. It was ripe with classic film references and an all-around great ad. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t secretly hope that Ferris Bueller would have been driving something a lot cooler than a Honda CRV when he got older, but I’m picking straws here. Maybe we didn’t see the bumper sticker that read, “My other car is in Cameron’s glass-garage”. We also had Seinfeld trying everything to bribe his way to the first Acrua NSX. Bad-ass car and a fun commercial. VW made a clever appearance with a dog getting in shape to chase down their car, but in typical fashion had to awkwardly insert Darth Vader at the end just to appease the Star Wars nerds.

As for the rest, CareerBuilder kept it classic with the monkeys in a highly amusing skit. M&Ms had a cute little spin on their candy’s “disrobing” and E*Trade delivered again with the talking babies. Kia had the sleep-fairy sprinkling too much dust on an overzealous dreamer, and in my personal favorite, TaxACT had the clever, edgy and yet still cute, commercial of all with the “Free to Pee” spot. The boy in the pool fights off all urges of running water everywhere around him to hold it in while trying to find a bathroom. Only he finds all the bathrooms in the house are taken and a sister not so willing to help him out. After heading back into the pool to finally relieve himself, he exacts some sweet revenge when little sis dives in behind him. Let’s face it, anyone who has been in a pool at some point in their lives had to make that decision (probably the exact same one) and those of us with sisters know that the sly little smile by the boy was right on point.

Some big failures in my opinion were by some of the long-time players in the SB ad space who must have lost the creativity bug somewhere along the line. GoDaddy.com replayed the same old story lines of pretending to show a naked chick for one reason or another and then enticing you to go to their website to find out what happens…real shocker there. I’ve never logged on to their site after one of those ads but I’m betting it’s just more of the same tired tricks with nothing original or amusing about it. The shock factor of GoDaddy is long gone so it’s time to either up the ante or pick a new schtick boys.

The Coca-Cola polar bears were about as entertaining as watching a bunch of real polar bears doing nothing in a zoo. It really made everyone scratch their heads as to whether Coke really though they could just plop a couple of cute bears down, have them do nothing but hold a Coke bottle, and make the ads a success. Someone should lose their job over those ads. You could have paid me the $3.5 million and I would have at least thrown in a talking pig or duckbilled platypus.

Budweiser’s Prohibition ads were catchy, but it was a little odd to be celebrating the actual end of Prohibition in the first place. Nonetheless they fared much much better than their Bud Light brethren who burned a ton of cash trying to make people think that Bud Light Platinum was more high class than regular Bud Light. If they focused on the 6% alcohol content they could have done the same frat-joke commercials as regular Bud Light and not wasted their time or money trying to turn it into something it’s not.

Finally for the worst ad of the entire night, I am awarding it to one that many pundits have also declared the best. Yet another reason I hope you’re reading my column and not those blowhard frauds. Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler spot in “It’s Halftime in America” was a complete affront to our intelligence and a blatant slap in the face. To compare Chrysler’s “struggles” to what’s really going on with our economy is a complete joke. They may have gone through tough times but they were self-inflicted. And when Americans lost jobs without it being their own doing, who bailed them out? Apparently Chrysler thinks that they’re just like me and you. Only we didn’t get handed $12 billion to get out of our difficulties. It’s like the rich kid at school whining about only having 2 juice boxes while sitting next to the poor kid whose parents can’t afford to give him lunch and saying, “man we sure got it bad”. The only thing that could have salvaged it would be if Clint summed up his little soliloquy with, “Now get off my lawn”.

Feel free to check out the full list of commercials and decide which ones you like best at: http://www.superbowl-commercials.org/ . And don’t forget to leave your comments and thoughts!

There’s only so long The Movie Mind was going to be able to stay silent on the latest happenings in the ever so entertaining land of the NFL. After 14 weeks, we’ve got an undefeted team in the Packers who are showing no signs of slowing down and a winless team in the Colts who are showing no signs of life. It just so happens that the winless Pack roll on into Kansas City this weekend to play my beloved and agonizingly frustrating Chiefs. On paper this one should be a sleep-walker for the Pack. Man, it might be less painful to watch as a Chiefs fan if they really did just play it on paper. Unfortunately this one has to be played out on the field, and while part of me wonders if it can get any worse, the logical part of me knows it sure as hell can.

As a Chiefs fan, the least I can say is that this season has been entertaining. Unfortunatley some of that entertainment is of the “train-wreck” variety. As it happens, earlier this week KC general manager Scott Pioli pushed former head coach Todd Haley right in front of that very train when he sent him packing. While I have never been Haley’s biggest fan, and in fact I thought he was a fraud of the Herm Edwards variety from day 1, I also think he got the shaft from Pioli. Let me be clear in saying I do not think Haley was a good coach. I don’t think his players cared for him, nor did his other coaches. But the fact of the matter is that Pioli is the “genious” who allowed this team to go into the season with Tyler “Shane Falco” Palko as the backup QB. I hate to pick on Palko because at the least the kid has guts, but we’ve also learned that in about 3 more weeks he will be bagging groceries.

Pioli has done nothing in Kansas City. Zippo. Zilch. Nada. It’s become clear that he has managed to ride the Bellichek/Brady Super Bowl train to “geniousdom” and he is only now becoming thoroughly exposed in KC. Let’s look at his dynamic draft successes from his tenure with the Chiefs from 2009 – 2011: In ’09 his best pick was Mr. Irrelevant, Ryan Succop…a kicker. He had a little more success in 2010 but the book is not yet out on the guys. A few 2nd year players they were initially high on have proved they are not quite the studs they originally assumed (see Dexter McCluster, Jon Asamoah, Jacier Arenas, Tony Moeaki). In fact, I’d say their limited success has been more a result of a lack of competition to push them for playing time than their outright grasp of the job. As for this year’s rookies, some look promising (Baldwin when he’s not breaking his hand on teammates’ faces, Justin Houston) and others look like they can’t get on the field ahead of a terrible QB (Stanzi).

The point here is that Haley was a terrible fit from the start in KC. Thanks to the scheduling gods of the NFL, the Chiefs backdoored their way into the postseason in 2010 but were exposed as a team clearly not on the same level as the other playoffs teams. There were high hopes this year and after embarrassing losses (Buffalo, Detroit, Jets, Pats) and devastating injuries (Charles, Berry, Cassel, Moeaki) Haley was doomed. But that fact that Pioli actually forced Haley into having to play Jon McGraw, Sabby Piscatelli, and Jake O’Connell should speak volumes about the roster he was saddled with. It all stems from their brilliant draft strategy of finding the “right 53″ players. Hoew about finding the ones who should be in the NFL?

So now we stumble to the end of the year with Romeo Crennel as the interim coach. I want to be clear and say that I love Romeo…as a D coordinator. He has shown he is not a Head Coach in 4 subpar years in Cleveland. Sure the Browns kill coaching careers like reality shows kill brain cells, but he has done great things with the D this year and I don’t want his attention away from that. To hire him as HC would take a step back for a young improving D and lend nothing positive for the offense. Which brings us to the Josh McDaniels discussion…if this guy is the new HC of the Chiefs I swear I will have a hard time rooting for this team. The guy is aweful and gues what…he’s yet another “Bellichek disciple” who couldn’t hack it once out of his shadow! Enough of those turds. He’s Haley reincarnated: weasely, arrogant, and a know-it-all who lucked into their position. ENOUGH! I don’t care who else it is, just not him.

Which leads me to my most ridiculous dream scenario for the Chiefs going forward and it involves none other than Mr. Tim Tebow. John Elway’s hands are tied in Denver. The fact is that he wants nothing to do with Tebow. Unless Tebow actually wins him a Super Bowl this year, Elway wants to find a way to move on without Tebow. So here’s my proposal…send him to the Chiefs, please! I would love to have Tebow as the QB of the Chiefs for the next 10 years. Sa what you want about the guy but he is damn fun to watch. He’s a winner. The Chiefs could have a similar makeup to the Broncos last 7 weeks with the addtion of Tebow. KC’s defense has improved and should only get better. They can use Charles as the workhorse next year and Tebow can be the guy to drive KC’s offense. He’s got 2 big receivers in Bowe and Baldwin who can go up and snatch the ball out of the air and help out some of his less than on the mark passes. But the bottom line is it’ll be a hell of a lot more fun and enjoyable to watch than the slop KC put on the field this year.

So give me Tebow first of all because I like the guy, second of all because I think he’s a winner and will win wherever he plays, and lastly because I would actually consider breaking my “Jersey Rules” and purchasing a #15 in all the Red & Gold glory it would bring! Unfortunately Scott Pioli is too short-sighted to ever make that happen. So let’s bring in someone who can get it done.

First of all the article was meant to be funny…not really his strong suit if you ask me. He’s a very talented writer but he’s not exactly Bill Simmons when it comes to the satirical wit category. Nor is he Bill Simmons when it comes to on-screen appearances (thankfully). Nonetheless, his poor attempt at mocking “Joe Fan” who rocks a replica jersey so he can show off his team allegiances illustrates to me just how far removed he is from actually being “Joe Fan”. You’d think a guy who started off as a football beat writer only to have one of the most successful sports columns in the most notable sports magazine on the planet (Sports Illustrated), not to mention a show named Homecoming, would remember to stick to his roots a little more. Apparently having a co-writer credit of the smash-hit Leatherheads wasn’t enough to knock him down a peg (or two, or three…dozen). Seriously I think he could have written a better movie if it was just Ben Stein sitting on camera reading Reilly’s 25 years worth of columns. But instead he gets an even cushier gig writing a new column for ESPN, for all of 2 seconds, before parlaying that into the pinnacle of sports-writing…not actually being a writer anymore and turning into yet another talking head/annoyance for ESPN.

The point is that he is the last person that should ever create rules for when it is or isn’t ok to sport a jersey. Someone hobnobbing with Jim from The Office and starring in beer commercials with super models shouldn’t be the guy to set the barometer for what’s appropriate fan behavior. Instead, let a true fan who doesn’t sit in private boxes or blabber away on ESPN (yet) be the guy who makes this distinction. It’s time for The Movie Mind’s Rules for Wearing  a Jersey.

RULE #1 (The Seniority Rule): There is no age limit to wearing a jersey. The only age-related rule is that you cannot wear a jersey of someone who is younger than you. There’s a reason old guys wanted Brett Farve to hang around some more. A 38-year old wearing the jersey of a kid who just got drafted and could be his son is kind of weird, I have to say. However, there’s something to be said of still “looking up” to your elders. A 40-year old wearing a Warren Moon jersey back in 1999 would be acceptable because he could still say, “I used to watch this guy when I was a kid!”.

RULE #1-Sec. A (The Exception to The Seniority Rule): Under no circumstances, whatsoever, is it ok to wear the jersey of a kicker. EVER. This comes into play frequently because for the old guys, sometimes they might have no other choice than to rock the jersey of a 60-year old Morton Anderson. Sorry old dudes, that’s the time when you can’t where jerseys anymore.

RULE #1-Sec. A-Rev.i (The Addendum to The Exception to The Seniority Rule): The ONLY circumstance where it is ok to wear a jersey of someone younger than you is when that player is retired. We can respect stars that take early exits from the game ie. Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, Yao Ming -wait, what? If you happen to be old enough to have rooted for a guy younger than you that is now retired, by all means it is ok to rep his jersey. Why this exception you ask? Because there’s the automatic “nostalgic factor” coming into play when a guy is retired. Plus, it reminds the kiddies these days not to forget about the old-timers who paved the way for them! What better better way to show it than with a classic John Starks #3 or Craig Biggio #7 (snickering).

RULE #2 (The Home Rule): Here’s one that I think Reilly got completely wrong. You can wear the jersey of anyone you desire inside the confines of your own home. Nobody, not family, guests, spouses, pets, or writers can tell you otherwise. It’s your house for crap sake and I guarantee you that a sports team jersey is by far the least offensive or hideous thing you could be seen wearing around your house at any given time.

RULE #3 (The Traded Player Rule): Since we’ve addressed the retired player status, it’s time to look at the other jersey status that qualifies as a dead asset or diminishing return. In general, the rule is that you cannot wear the jersey of a player that has been traded away to another team. It’s kind of like wearing a golf shirt or using a pen with the logo of the company you were just fired from. I’m all for loyalty, but that’s a bit much. You wouldn’t still carry around pictures of your ex-wife in your wallet, would you? There are, however, a couple exceptions to this rule. See below.

RULE #3-Sec. A (The Exceptions to The Traded Player Rule): If the player was a beloved team member who gave his heart to the team and fans only to be traded away after publicly expressing a strong desire to stay with the team and the move was ownership’s slap in his face, then it’s ok to wear their jersey. I call this one The Tino Martinez Exception. The other exception would be if the player has simply been traded too many damn times for any middle class citizen to be able to afford a new jersey every time he’s dealt. This one is known as The T.O./Jim Thome Rule. The final exception is that it’s ok to wear the jersey of a player who simply changes brand affiliations like in the situation of NASCAR. You know what-nevermind. It’s just not ok at all to wear NASCAR jerseys unless it’s for the fire-retardant benefits.

RULE #4 (The Tebow Rule): You are permitted to wear the jerseys of any player, regardless of your age, location, or rooting interest, if the player happens to stand for something other than his own fame as an athlete. Maybe it’s a guy who cares about charity more than squeezing another million out of his contract (Warrick Dunn, Dikembe Mutumbo) or someone who is extremely involved in their community (Walter Payton) or is a symbol of hope (Dennis Byrd, Eric LeGrande).

RULE #5 (The Design Rule): Jerseys may only be worn in actual team colors or designs. That means no more green Yankees or Red Sox jerseys with shamrocks on them. You’re either Irish or a fan that day…not both. You can wear special occasion jerseys for something like All-Star games, but it seems kind of silly that you would want to anyway. If you’re a Yanks fan you’ve either got the pinstripes or road grays, it’s your choice. If you don’t like the style options then start rooting for the Oregon Ducks. And sorry ladies, unless you’re Alyssa Milano and can claim that sleeping with half of Major League Baseball is “market research”, no pink jerseys for you either. It just tells us guys that you are high maintenance, not really a true fan, and care more about how the guys on the field look in tight pants than the game.

RULE #6 (The Location Rule): Even with all of these other rules, there are still other “umbrella rules” which arch over them and must be followed even if all of the other qualifications are met. There are only certain places you can wear a jersey, EVER. If you are not in your home, at a game (and please only wear the jersey of one of the teams playing), at a sports bar (specifically to watch a game), or at your buddy’s place to watch a game, then you have zero good reasons to wear a jersey. If you happen to be playing in a beer league softball game, or flag football, or even pickup hoops…PLEASE do not wear your jersey. It will only open up the ridicule of how painfully removed you are from playing like that person whose name graces your back.

RULE #7 (The Size Rule): Under NO circumstances are you to ever wear a jersey that is not at least 2 sizes too big for you. I don’t care how in shape you are or not, jerseys are meant to be over-sized, not skin tight. Unless you are 8 years old, leave the boys’ mediums to your girlfriend.

RULE #8 (The Signature Rule): Never, at any time, should you wear a jersey that has been autographed. It’s one thing to support the team, it’s another to constantly look for a reason to tell the story about when you got your picture taken with Dan Marino at a card show for the 500th time. Signed memorabilia is meant to be in a display case, not on your body.

RULE #9 (The Good Samaritan Rule): We all know we can recognize the guy who bought the jersey from the clearance rack at Marshall’s or TJ Maxx for $6.99. There’s no reason to point him out or make fun of him just because you happened to blow $299 for an “authentic” jersey on the team site. It doesn’t make you any better of a fan than him, nor are you any cooler than him. After all, you both still ARE wearing jerseys so how cool can you be in the first place?

Finally, I’d like to mention The Boycott Rule. This is one I only made up after reading one of Reilly’s “Jersey Waivers” (see below):

According to Reilly, Jersey Waiver C states: “By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any contact with the very person you’re worshipping. “Those are the guys we went out of our way to avoid in the autograph lines,” says former Baltimore Ravens QB Trent Dilfer. “They were the ones who wanted your email address.”

Here’s the explanation of The Boycott Rule: if you, or anyone you know, happen to actually own a Trent Dilfer jersey, please have it burnt immediately. If you actually purchased a Trent Dilfer jersey for whatever reason, he clearly doesn’t deserve your support by saying you’re the guy he tries to avoid in autograph lines. If Trent Dilfer doesn’t run up to shake your hand and ask for a picture with YOU for wearing his jersey, there’s clearly something wrong here. We’re talking about the guy who is used as the gold standard for the discussion on how to win a Super Bowl with a great defense and crappy quarterback. Seriously, getting a cushy gig on ESPN as a dime-a-dozen talking head must give you a ridiculous ego boost that I can’t comprehend. Trent F-ing Dilfer!! (FYI…any new jerseys with Trent F-ing Dilfer on the back I expect a royalty coming this way)

This also applies to any random, unknown, or unheralded player in that he should be thrilled to actually have a big enough fan to buy his jersey as opposed to acting like he’s too good for you. Next time you see an athlete who fits the “Trent Dilfer” bill, hand him one of your spare Best Buy Geek Squad work shirts and tell him it’s the least he can do to reciprocate the love!

With the emergence of streaming video and live TV, The Movie Mind’s Rating System has started to resemble an outdated business model, much like the now defunct Blockbuster. No longer do we run out to the local video store and scan the walls lined with new DVD releases like the movie-fans’ own Dewey Decimal system. There is very little “window shopping” as most movie decisions are made from a Google search or streaming advertisement on your phone. Yes the times they are a-changin’ and it’s time The Movie Mind jumped aboard.

The ratings may be new but the premise hasn’t changed. True movie ratings are not about giving “two thumbs up” like we’re deciding on whether a Gladiator lives or gets fed to the lions. It’s not about stars, or tomatoes, or any other type of condiment or galactic object. The Movie Mind tells it like it is and the ratings reflect that. You know when you should watch the film, how you should watch it, what other films it’s better and worse than, and maybe you’ll even find out why I felt that way.

The Movie Mind’s reviews and commentary are meant to entertain the real movie fans and provide some information that you can actually use. Any life advice or philosophical perspectives you take from it means you need some friends and should probably be reading more (and I don’t mean the back of the cereal box). I’m not interested in inundating you with obscure literary references and details or cinematographic elements you could have learned by opening IMDB or taking a 30-minute online film class. I am a fan of movies and my reviews are written and rated from that perspective.

The NEW “Official” ratings for The Movie Mind are as follows:

• Wait for Basic Cable: When the only way a movie can get some kind of viewership is by plugging their 2 hour piece of crap onto one of the few channels not overflowing with Kardashian reruns, it’s not a good sign. This rating reflects the classic Sunday afternoon hangover special you watch from the comfort of your own bed when you could care less if you fall asleep halfway through it.

• Wait for Streaming Video: It’s a decent option to watch on a portable device (not factoring loss of film quality and resolution) like your computer or iPad if you’re on a plane or a train and need to kill some time, but you can find better things to watch in your home on the big screen TV…like for instance Beverly Hills Cop for the 73rd time!

• Add to Bottom of Netflix Delivery List: Most of the decent movies will fall into this category. For reference, The Movie Mind’s list is about 56 deep right now so it might be a while before you see it. This rating means the film is good enough to watch at some point if you are paying for unlimited movies, but you’re not missing out on anything by waiting a little while. Editor’s Note: I contemplated removing these clowns because of their price hikes and dividing up the services, but I’ll give them a chance for redemption.

• Move to Top of Netflix Delivery List: When you are confronted with the “Move to Top” option after adding a movie to your queue, you need to be sure it’s better than the ones already on there. This rating means it’s worth bumping all the others to see it right away. You better just hope there’s not a “Short Delay” next to it.

• Go To Movie Theater: This remains a high rating because of the nonsense and expense a trip to the theater has become. A movie with this rating better be worth fighting for a parking spot, $14 tickets, annoying teenagers, and the weirdo wearing a sombrero in front of you to go out and see it.

• Buy It: Even though there is no “need” to buy movies anymore, this rating remains the top billing specifically for that reason. The Movie Mind’s physical collection of movies is a badge of honor and films with this rating mean they are still worthy of adding to your personal collection and watching numerous times. You should still go see it in the movie theater and then buy it when it becomes available on Blu-Ray or DVD.

The Movie Mind

I’ll look at a different film for each segment and profile the characters’ current whereabouts and exploits. Post your requests for other films and characters to report on, and feel free to chime in if you have a different take on their life’s travels!

This first segment will look back at the gang from an all-time classic, Swingers.

Mike (Jon Favreau): Over the last 15 years, Mike has toured the country while honing his standup routine at small comedy clubs and bars. About a year ago he caught his big break and found his way onto the last installment of Last Comic Standing, but unfortunately he bombed before the live audience and his “booking agent” dumped him right after he was booed off the stage. He hasn’t had much luck in love either, as Lorraine and him dated for 6 years but he was a jilted lover yet again after he found her in bed with a casting agent for Cinemax. On the bright side, he can afford the luxury of not needing a steady payday since he’s known as one of Vegas’ premier blackjack players and made close to $4 million at the game in his lifetime. His advice to me when I caught up with him at the Wynn, “At this table we double down on a hard 7 or better. If you don’t like that there’s a lower stakes table over there you might be more comfortable at.”

Trent (Vince Vaughn): It’s a good thing for Trent that the reality TV-craze took hold when it did. After fizzing out in a variety of careers such as realtor, nightclub promoter, and investment banker, he stumbled upon the auditions for The Real World: Reno and was cast immediately as a last minute replacement. After getting kicked off the show 2 episodes in, offers were thrown his way from a variety of programs and he had one of the most memorable reality TV appearances on The Bachelor after walking into the house and yelling, “Which of you pretty babies wants to party?” The producers cancelled the season early after cameras caught him on four separate group dates making out with girls who were not members of the cast. He makes regular appearances on VH1’s I Love the 90’s shows and spends a lot of time in Vegas and LA with Mike.

Rob (Ron Livingston): After being stuck in his role as Goofy for 5 years and never landing a real onscreen role, Rob quit the acting industry altogether and went to work at Disneyland full-time as a theme-park set designer. He has 4 daughters and according to him an “evil, maniacal wife”. He hasn’t seen Mike or Trent since his wedding, when Trent hooked up with his wife’s sister and has since been banned from their home. He told me on the phone that he’d stick himself in that 60 lb. fur costume in 95 degree heat for a year if it meant he’d get one last shot at the fame.

Sue (Patrick Van Horn): Sue has spent the last 11 years in Anaheim County Jail for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after shooting someone that did, in fact, try to steal his f-ing K-Car. He was a backup vocalist in a House of Pain cover band prior to being incarcerated and hopes to reunite with the group upon his release in 2021 with good behavior (which is kind of difficult in prison when you’re a “Boy Named Sue” and call everyone “bitch”).

Charles (Alex Désert): I wasn’t able to get too much info on Charles because he kept cutting off my questions by saying, “I got a call back tomorrow”. After telling him the interview was done, he told me, “Good…this article sounds dead anyway.”

Lorraine (Heather Graham): After screwing Mikey over, she went on to B-list fame as a late-night Skinemax regular. Wait, I can’t remember if I was talking to Lorraine or Heather Graham. No matter, same story either way.

Nikki (Brooke Langton): She went through a short period of YouTube fame after posting Mike’s rambling voice messages and receiving over 6 million hits. She has since written a book called, “The Wrong Way to Pick-up a Girl.” Presales have reported to be weak.

With the recent announcement of the latest Emmy Award nominations, it’s time for The Movie Mind to weigh in. Yes, I know the actual awards don’t take place until September, but with 2 major sports leagues in lockouts, the MLB all-star break, and lame-o reruns on TV – I need something to spout off about! See below for my thoughts on the nominations and make sure you chime in with your thoughts as well:

Drama Series

“Boardwalk Empire”
- Should be the runaway winner and need a wheel barrow to take home all the Emmy’s this series will win.

“Dexter”
- Do people actually watch this show?

“Mad Men”
- The time has come to pass the torch…shouldn’t this show be set in 1998 by now?

Others:
“Friday Night Lights”
“Game of Thrones”
“The Good Wife”

Drama, Lead Actor

Steve Buscemi, “Boardwalk Empire”
- Finally the man is getting the credit that is long overdue. He’s got Philip Seymour Hoffman ability and I would watch anything he is in.

Timothy Olyphant, “Justified”
- A very underrated series and a stellar performance by Olyphant who plays the role like he was born for it. After a short-stint on The Office, I think he’s found his comfort zone.

Others:
Kyle Chandler, “Friday Night Lights”
Michael C. Hall, “Dexter”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Hugh Laurie, “House”

Drama, Lead Actress

Kathy Bates, “Harry’s Law”
- I was a big fan of the show but wouldn’t be surprised if it had a short-lived run. She is much better suited for her role here than as the CEO of Dunder Mifflin’s parent company.

Mariska Hargitay, “Law and Order: SVU”
- Usually you can’t go wrong with a Law and Order nominee and I wouldn’t be upset if she got the nod. It is their best show in the franchise as far as I’m concerned.

Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife”
- Is it just me or has she annoyed the crap out of anyone else ever since her breakthrough on ER?

Other:
Connie Britton, “Friday Night Lights”
Mireille Enos, “The Killing”
Elisabeth Moss, “Mad Men”

Comedy Series

“30 Rock”
- A regular on the awards circuit, it was finally (and rightfully) overtaken last year by what should be a back-to-back winner.

“Glee”
- Please whatever happens do NOT let this show win another single award! Save me!!

“Modern Family”
- While it took a slight dip from last year’s season, in my opinion it’s still the funniest show on TV and more than deserving to win again.

“The Office”
- Unfortunately it won’t be a storybook ending for the iconic show and I can’t see it winning here, unless for nostalgic reasons. Nonetheless the final season was solid overall and a marked improvement from the prior ones. Oh wait…you mean the show is still running??? Crap.

“Parks and Recreation”
- Surprisingly enough, I think this show is a bit overlooked and underrated. It’s actually been funnier than its Thursday night network brethren at times.

Other:
“The Big Bang Theory”

Comedy, Lead Actor

Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”
- Even though he’s a creep and skeevie, he is still an awesome actor. Come to think of it, he fits the role perfectly. Unfortunately for him, I think he has some new competition in the category this year.

Louis C.K., “Louie”
- Speaking of skeevie…Louis C.K. could be in the running for the award this year if only enough people watched his show. He’s brings a new breed of comedy to the screen and forces your amusement, that is, if you can stomach him.

Steve Carell, “The Office”
- Will he receive a farewell award as a parting gift? I actually thought his performance in the last season was better than it had been in the last few so he’s worthy of a nod.

Matt LeBlanc, “Episodes”
- Is Joey up for an award or is his character Matt? Or wait, is it the other way around? I have no idea, but what I do know is seeing his name in the list of nominations makes me want to laugh out loud…only not at his show.

Others:
Johnny Galecki, “The Big Bang Theory”
Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory”

Comedy, Lead Actress

Amy Poehler, “Parks and Recreation”
- Since she carries the show I think she would be deserving of the award.

Tina Fey, “30 Rock”
- Surprise, surprise, I think she may run away with it again. Just someone tell her to stick to the smallscreen please.

Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
- Call me crazy but no matter what I cannot see Carmela Soprano as a lead comedy actress. Sorry.

Others:
Laura Linney, “The Big C”
Melissa McCarthy, “Mike and Molly”
Martha Plimpton, “Raising Hope”

Comedy, Supporting Actor

Ty Burrell, “Modern Family”
- I think he’s the glue for the show, only they won’t call him a lead actor yet. I can’t see the award going to anyone else.

Chris Colfer, “Glee”
- Once again…”PLEASE NOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men”
- Think somebody misses Chuck the warlock now?

Others:
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, “Modern Family”
Ed O’Neill, “Modern Family”
Eric Stonestreet, “Modern Family”

Comedy, Supporting Actress

Kristen Wiig, “Saturday Night Live”
- I think the show is a shell of what it used to be but without Kristen Wiig there wouldn’t be any reason to watch anymore.

Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”
- She is good for the show but not sure she there is a single dominant female character that deserves the award.

Betty White, “Hot in Cleveland”
- Somehow she continues to be hilarious over the course of like 4 generations!

Others:
Julie Bowen, “Modern Family”
Jane Krakowski, “30 Rock”
Jane Lynch, “Glee”

Drama, Supporting Actor

Andre Braugher, “Men of a Certain Age”
- Hands down one of the better shows on TV right now (where is the nod for best drama series??) and since Ray Romano and Scott Bakula (yes, that Scott Bakula) were snubbed in favor  of the entire cast of the also-ran “The Good Wife”, my vote goes to Braugher and no one else.

Others:
Josh Charles, “The Good Wife”
Alan Cumming, “The Good Wife”
Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones”
Walton Goggins, “Justified”
John Slattery, “Mad Men”

Drama, Supporting Actress

Kelly Macdonald, “Boardwalk Empire”
- I’m assuming she’ll be in the running but I wouldn’t be surprised if the “Mad Men” mania won out.

Others:
Margo Martindale, “Justified”
Christine Baranski, “The Good Wife”
Michelle Forbes, “The Killing”
Christina Hendricks, “Mad Men”
Archie Panjabi, “The Good Wife”

Reality Competition

“American Idol”
- This show needs to be axed for good so please put us out of our misery. I can’t tolerate another season with that judging panel. Not to mention, I thought the talent level was garage this season….that is, until I watched “The Voice”.

“Top Chef”
- What are the chances a reality show about people with some actual talent ends up winning an award? Slim to none but it should be in the discussions.

Others:
“The Amazing Race”
“Dancing With the Stars”
“Project Runway”
“So You Think You Can Dance”

For some of the other nominations please see below:

TV Movie or Miniseries
“Cinema Verité”
“Downton Abbey”
“The Kennedys”
“Mildred Pierce”
“Pillars of the Earth”
“Too Big To Fail”

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie
Edgar Ramirez, “Carlos”
Greg Kinnear, “The Kennedys”
Barry Pepper, “The Kennedys”
Idris Elba, “Luther”
Laurence Fishburne, “Thurgood”
William Hurt, “Too Big To Fail”

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie
Diane Lane, “Cinema Verite”
Elizabeth McGovern, “Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)”
Kate Winslet, “Mildred Pierce”
Taraji P. Henson, “Taken From Me: The Tiffany Rubin Story”
Jean Marsh, “Upstairs Downstairs (Masterpiece)”

Reality Host
Tom Bergeron, “Dancing With the Stars”
Cat Deeley, “So You Think You Can Dance”
Phil Keoghan, “The Amazing Race”
Jeff Probst, “Survivor”
Ryan Seacrest, “American Idol”

Stunt Coordination
“Game Of Thrones”
“Hawaii Five-O”
“Southland”
“Spartacus: Gods Of The Arena”

Technical Direction, Camerawork, Video Control for a Series
“American Idol”
“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart”
“Dancing With The Stars”
“Saturday Night Live”
“30 Rock”

Writing for a Comedy Series
“Episodes”
“Louie”
“Modern Family”
“The Office”
“30 Rock”

Writing for a Drama Series
“Friday Night Lights”
“Game Of Thrones”
“The Killing”
“Mad Men”

Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Series
“The Colbert Report”
“Conan”
“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart”
“Late Night With Jimmy Fallon”
“Saturday Night Live”

I am about to utter a phrase that I never thought would come out of my mouth, but here it goes: Thank you, LeBron. I owe you a debt of gratitude. Now, before those who know me call to find out if I’ve gone all Dave Chappelle and went off the reservation, let me temper your concerns (or excitement) by saying no, I have not lost my mind. What I mean by offering my gratitude to LeBron is that he has proved to us through all his antics, both on and off the court, that he is good for the NBA – wait, he is great for the NBA and for fans of the NBA. Let me be clear, I’m not saying his talent is the key force behind his value to the league, I’m saying that every word that comes out of his mouth makes me a bigger fan of the NBA itself. Only, with each additional syllable that he utters, it makes me despise everything he stands for even more.

Long before LeBron and the “Big Three” went all Space Jam and had their powers taken away, I used to be a huge NBA fan. I was a die-hard Knicks fan and attended many games in the mid-late 90′s including some of the greatest games ever played at The Garden, (ie. Reggie Miller’s inhuman performance in the playoffs that inspired the recent ESPN 30 for 30). As I became a bigger fan of football (I was already a huge baseball fan), my interest in the NBA started to wane. It’s no surprise since the early 2000′s were looked upon as a low-point in the NBA. Aside from the Knicks not only being irrelevant and having the most inept management and ownership I’ve ever seen in my life as a sports fan, they also brought on some of the most unlikable players in the game. So I drifted away and would watch very few regular season games and some of the postseason. Even when the talent level picked up in the league over the last few years, I still didn’t feel the draw back in…until a funny thing happened. LeBron ditched Cleveland in what everyone has deemed the worst on-camera “decision” ever, threw a parade before ever having won a single game, played fourth fiddle on “his” team in the crunch time of the Finals, and then insulted you, me, and every other working-class citizen in the world. Besides accomplishing all of that in the matter of one season, LeBron made me an NBA fan again. I watched basketball to root against him every step of the way. The NBA has proven that while great talent is supreme, they still need a villain.  

I’ve never seen a person, athlete, celebrity, politician, or anyone for that matter, go from a hero to a villain (without doing something illegal, that is) in less time than LeBron James did. He went from having a nation of fans rooting for him to win championships as the local kid trying to bring glory and attention back to his hometown, to having an entire nation hating his every word. While “hating” might have been a bit harsh, I challenge someone to tell me they can stomach the guy after his postgame comments after his epic Finals collapse. After getting grilled by the media in the postgame interview, deservedly so, he threw out a gem of a sound byte essentially telling people who have rooted against him to go back to their miserable lives with their real-world problems making their measily salaries while he goes back to his LeMansions, TV commercials, private jets, and keeps being, well, LeBron. Naturally, his PR firm(s) had a heart attack and he is now in damage control mode. But good luck if you ever expect to hear him apologize, sound contrite, or even really give a damn enough to exude a small dose of humility. LeBron is the classic case of the guy who tries too hard to be liked without doing the simplest things needed to have people like him. He has world-class talent, and zero social skills. Basically, LeBron is A-Rod.

It’s amazing to me how high-profile athletes can screw up the easiest of tasks and PR 101 – just be a little bit humble, and don’t act like you’re bigger than the game. Most of all though, whatever you do, don’t ever, ever, act like you are above the fans. Dirk was just sainted in this postseason because he’s a generally likable guy, and LeBron actually made Mark Cuban look like the victim. Even if you’re not sincere about it, pretend. Act the part. As much as I hated Jordan, I also knew I had no good reason to aside from the fact that he always beat my team. LeBron gives us every reason but that most important one. Now before you go and start feeling sorry for the guy, or resort to thinking that maybe he gets a raw deal, just go back to his comments the other night. Then according to LeBron, you would go back to your miserable life and real world problems that King James apparently he doesn’t have. But as long as LeBron keeps saying idiotic things, not living up to expectations (or his talent level), and pulling a disappearing act when it matters most, you can count me in as a fan…just not one of his.

Check out some hilarious LeBron spoofs:

http://youtu.be/9NHRD10DmCc

http://youtu.be/6eES8xEjclQ

http://youtu.be/OunWJ1fDByE

Here are a few NFL Draft – Day 1 highlights and ramblings courtesy of The Movie Mind:
 
- Best line of the night was uttered by none other than Cam Newton after getting drafted #1: “I am very excited and blessed to be in this predicament”. Need a little help on the English language there buddy?? A dictionary App would have been really useful there. Instantly Carolina Panthers’ management goes, “Whoops. Can we have a do-over?”. Looks like we got another brain surgeon on our hands.

- Another more point on Cam Newton:Do you think it’s a good sign when the guy standing next to him looks, acts, talks, and smells like a sleazy agent, and then we find out it’s his dad? NCAA investigators everywhere let out a collective “I told you so!”.

- Big props to the fans at Radio City Music Hall for making Goodell sweat with their “We want football” chants. I love seeing that guy squirm. I also think he could have said something more to appease the situation than mumbling over and over “I hear ya” and “Me too”. Man, the owners must be psyched they have this guy on their sides at the negotiating table.

- Also a big kudos to the fans for respectively honoring the moment of silence for the victims and destruction in the mid-west from the tornadoes. While they sholdn’t get a pat on the back for respecting it, since everyone in this world who has a heart should do the same, I thought Goodell used it as a tactic to get them to shut up and end their chants. It was a lame move on his part and shows what kind of PR sneaky worm he really is. I’m not saying the NFL wasn’t going to address the tragedies, but to use it as a ploy to appease the crowd was purely weasel.

- Why can’t ESPN figure out how to get this thing right? It’s a great event but we really don’t need to listen to Boomer Berman search aimlessly for the right filler words to use while Gruden and Kiper sit there twiddling their thumbs. Last year they have a panel stepping on each other to heard and get their air time, this year we have guys that look like they don’t want to be bothered. How about something in between? Maybe a few pre-recorded interviews or looks into the careers and stories of the prospects? I’d much prefer to hear Berman go off on some poor P.A. schmo off-camera or his thoughts on Canadian pain killers…now that’s good TV. Don’t know what I’m talking about? You should, check it out here or here.

- I’ve tried and tried and tried, but I really can’t stand Mel Kiper. He’s such a turd. He stares down at his crib notes the entire show and when asked a direct question about a specific player, he pulls a presidential debate tactic and starts talking about whatever the hell he feels like talking about. While on the subject, I can’t miss an opportunity talking about the draft and Mel Kiper without this gem. As Bill Tobin (Colts GM in 1994) so eloquently put it, “Who the hell is Mel Kiper Jr.? My neighbor knows more about football than Mel Kiper Jr. and my neighbor’s a postman!”

- Speaking of Kiper, is he Andy Dalton’s new agent or does he just have a supreme man-crush on the redheaded QB? Ok Mel, we get it…Andy Dalton is STILL on the board!

- Big props to the kid from Baylor, Danny Watkins. He’s a 26 year-old rookie, former firefighter, and after spending the day at some NYC fire houses, he invited them all to the draft and got a standing O from them when his name was called. It’s tough not to root for a kid like that.

- Was Von Miller crying for like 30 minutes before going up to meet the Commish? Since his name was on the lawsuit vs. the NFL I thought for a second maybe he was thinking of stiffing the Commish at the podium. By the way, classic pair of spectacles he was rocking last night!

- I’m impressed yet surprised with my Chiefs pick…I like the fact that they traded down a few spots to pick up an extra 3rd rounder, and I think that this kid Jon Balwin from Pitt is built in the Larry Fitzgerald mold, but it’s very un-Patriots-west-like for Pioli to pick a WR in the first round. Makes me feel even better about the selection that they had to have this guy!

- Most sincere moment from the draft: Mark Ingram after hearing his dad’s email to him from prison. He seems like a pretty well-adjusted kid and has a good head on his shoulders considering his dad has been locked up for a while. While ESPN completely manufactured that moment by saving the email to read to him until his name was called, his feelings were all genuine.

- Looking forward to the 2nd and 3rd rounds…typically there’s more noise made in those rounds than the 1st so bring it on!

So as we witness yet another one of Hollywood’s classic meltdowns, we can only look at it for what it is…a much bigger and more public train wreck than those that have come before it. But it is the worst we’ve ever seen? Well, the only missing from Charlie Sheen’s collapse that prevents it from becoming the all-time worst is an ill-timed sex-tape release or perhaps a TMZ-style ‘panty’ shot of him getting out of a car. Scarily enough, I think both are well within arm’s reach at this point.

The question then becomes…is it still entertaining? I have to admit I’m as guilty as they come when it comes to witnessing train wrecks as good TV / overall entertainment. Far too many of us are guilty of it and I’d say it’s a vice that ranks right up there with alcohol, tobacco, and gambling. But as we sit back watching Charlie’s latest antics and hear him talk about his “Sober Valley Lodge” and how he’s “not high on drugs, just high on Charlie Sheen”, I wonder when it goes from good entertainment to just plain creepy. He has drugs, porn-stars, more money than the Middle East, and isn’t shy about his theory of “winning”. Yet the scariest part is how he seems not to care. To me, if he wants to go out with a blaze of glory – then knock yourself out, Chuck. But someone who truly just doesn’t give a sh*t wouldn’t be pandering for every single webcam and twitter feed out there. He’d simply say, “This is my life and what I chose for it. If you don’t like it, screw off.” I would have an inkling more respect for him if he did that. However, it’s almost like he wants to make sure we are all watching as he implodes. He’s got the bravado of Bud Fox (Wall Street) and Rick Vaughn (Major League), the penchant for ladies and rebel spirit of Jackson Davis Hammond (The Chase), the stupidity of Topper Harley (Hot Shots), the anger of Lt. Dan Hawkins (Navy Seals), and the shadiness of Carl Taylor (Men at Work). Wrap that into one package and you get, well…Charlie Sheen.

Let the countdown begin:

1)      Michael Jackson

-        MJ has to take the #1 spot here. Even though his steady meltdown over the course of 3 decades did not end up ruining his career or earnings potential, it certainly did tarnish his reputation. The changes in skin color, facial structure, and just plain weirdness, never permanently distanced his fan base. Only after the amusement park popped up in his backyard and accusations (and trials) of child molestation came to the public eye did fans begin to question what was really going on in his noggin. More than anything, I think MJ’s story just goes to show what someone is capable of getting away with if they actually have some talent. Take note, Paris.

2)      Charlie Sheen

-        Charlie is so far off, I’m not sure he’d even take this as a compliment. He may look at The Movie Mind’s nomination for the #2 spot as an affront to all of his recent “winning” ways. It might actually just set him off even farther, if that’s even possible. Nonetheless, his tirades, antics, and just about every word or action he utters seems to push him closer to the edge.

3)      Mel Gibson

-        Mel must be thanking his lucky stars that good ol’ Charlie came around recently because his anti-semitic and looney raves seem to have been pushed aside for the time being. That is, of course, until he gets blitzed again and takes a spin down Rodeo Drive. His fall from grace in the public eye was a steep drop and he seems to still be on the way down. How can I say that? Quick – name a movie he did in the last 5 years. Yep, just as I thought.

4)      Tiger Woods

-        Tiger’s success on the course led to plentiful opportunities off it. From video games, to a golf clothing line, and spokesman for several prominent brands, his squeaky-clean image made him endearing to families and golf fans alike. Then he crashes his car, gets beat on by the Mrs., and his little black book was exposed to the world. Girls were coming out of the woodwork much like distant relatives of a lottery winner. After the divorce and poorly rehearsed apologies, his game, marriage, and image have yet to recover.

5)      Lindsay Lohan

-        Not many people accomplished the feat LiLo was able to in the same small amount of time she did it. She went from a few meddling teenie movies (seriously, $10 if you can actually tell me what she is famous for) to full-fledged drunk, drug addict, and all around bad example for anyone who used to watch her. Throw in some parents who should be committed to an institution and you get one sick mess of an individual.

6)      David Hasselhoff

-        Ok so maybe the Hoff wasn’t exactly relevant when his full meltdown occurred, but for that reason it actually made it more interesting. The man who is an icon in Germany and a running joke in the U.S. still managed to spiral downward fast and furious. Now that he’s on the straight and narrow tour, maybe we can all keep our fingers crossed for a return of Baywatch Nights!

7)      Tom Cruise

-        I’m in Psychoville and Finkle (or Cruise) is the mayor! Ace Ventura said it right when it came to Tom Cruise’s antics of Katie Holmes and his grand-master leadership in the Scientology cult. All that’s missing is Tom baking little Katie-cookies shaped like footballs and jumping up on down on a couch like a lunatic on national TV…oh wait, never mind.

8 )      Jesse James

-        Granted he’s a motorcycle builder that managed to jump on the custom bike-builder reality bandwagon, so there wasn’t a big celebrity status to uphold. However, when he managed to snag Hollywood’s darling, Sandra Bullock, it vaulted him into a different stratosphere. Getting caught dressed as a Nazi with your tatt’d up porn mistress will cause you to fall from that grace like a dead bird.

9)      Brittney Spears

-        The shaved head wasn’t even the worst of her days. Her parenting skills were on par with Charles Barkley’s golf game. She turned from the “good girl” image into a wack-job in a flash. Who knows if she’s actually back on track now, but what we do know is there are plenty of other flavor-of-the-moment starlets that make for better news these days.

10)   Michael Richards

-        What’s a surefire way to go from one of the most well-known and beloved TV characters of all-time into a virtual pariah? How about going on a racist rant that’s caught on home video at a comedy club that you were only allowed to perform at because of said TV role? I think that would do it.

11)   Dave Chapelle

-        Here’s a dude that never actually did anything wrong, yet he still gets the “weirdo” treatment in the public’s eyes. That’s what happens when you sign a $50 million contract, go bonkers and then fall off the grid. What he did might not actually be a bad move, but it still leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths.

12)   Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown

-        Is one worse than the other? I think that’s debatable. Common perceptions say Whitney was normal before meeting Bobby. But to me, she always had a few screws loose. Needless to say, they are probably the most toxic pairing in the world other than Sammie and Ronnie.

13)   Joaquin Phoenix

-        Never before has there been a more planned out self-destruction and never before has there been one to go so horribly awry. After releasing his “documentary” which explained some embarrassing stunts/PR moves, we got a much better picture of just what a loser he really is. The crazy stunts aren’t what gave us the willies, it was only when we actually saw who he really was that it made us look away for good.

14)   Alec Baldwin

-        Some people just don’t understand the concept of voicemail. It stays as a recording and testament until the person receiving it actually deletes it. Wouldn’t this common logic cause one to think before lacing into degrading one’s own daughter on her voicemail? I debated adding Pat O’Brien in here instead, but his voicemail rant was more amusing than anything else. Baldwin came across as a bad dad, which is something most fans couldn’t stomach.

15)   Corey Haim

-        He succumbed to a sad yet predictable end, but not before wilting away before our eyes. The reality show featuring “The Two Coreys”, as it was aptly named, served as foreshadowing to his early demise. While Corey Feldman isn’t exactly “all there” either, it takes a sick individual to make him look normal.

16)   Mike Tyson

-        To qualify as a meltdown, the individual must have at least put on the front of “having it all together” at some point in time. Iron Mike, unfortunately, never had it together. He was a troubled, violent, kid who just happened to be a bad dude in the ring. Nothing he ended up doing, or saying, ever surprised me. Interestingly enough, he seems to be just a little more “with it” than I always thought. It just goes to show that it doesn’t take much to outdo some of the characters on this list.

DNQ: Paris Hilton

-        As I discussed, to have an actual meltdown, someone must have fallen from grace or hurt their career. Paris seems to have actually built a career on one giant meltdown and fall from nothing. It is truly baffling. She is nothing more than a media creation, and here’s to hoping she becomes a media afterthought. With every day Charlie Sheen continues to grab the headlines, it might be closer and closer to a reality.