If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis of college talent, this ain’t the article for you. Go join Mel Kiper Jr. in his mom’s basement and enjoy all the Fritos you can eat while pouring over an endless loop of game-tape of every potential special teams contributor at the D-3 level.
40-times, bench press, 3-cone, 10-yard shuttles…they only give you a glimpse into what really matters when it comes to prospect analysis. How would their name look on the back of the jersey and in a media guide? Now that’s what I call a sure-fire draft strategy!
Talent evaluators that get paid mega-bucks to project what kind of player a kid will become in the league may act like they have the secret sauce, but the fact is that my method may not be that far off. All due respect to every Mr. Smith/Washington/Jones, but you won’t find any of them here. This is a list of the Best Player Names in the 2015 NFL Draft!
Man, you sound familiar!
Ali Marpet, C 6’4″ 307 Hobart & William Smith
- I don’t know why, but I keep seeing this guy as a guest-star puppet on a Muppet’s episode one day.
Michael Burton, FB 5’11″ 242 Rutgers
- “Are you related to the pop star?” Cause I’m a fan…I’m a Michael Burton fan! I celebrate the man’s entire collection!
Jesse James, TE 6’7″ 261 Penn St.
- Being named after the biggest badass from the Wild West means you better have a six-shooter dance ready to go when he starts snagging TD’s in the red zone.
Jake Ryan, OLB 6’2″ 240 Michigan
- After growing up as the quintessential symbol and story for young-ins’ in love in John Hughes’ Sixteen Candles, he’s all grown up and ready to prove that High School jocks don’t always peak too early.
Dillon Day, C 6’4″ 299 Mississippi St.
- Award for “Name Most Likely to have been in an Episode of The O.C.”
Tyler Moore, OG 6’5″ 325 Florida
- His mom couldn’t be Mary, could she?
Missed their True Calling:
Westlee Tonga, TE 6’4″ 244 Utah
- He has a real chance to branch out to Hollywood playing himself as a villain in a new Van Damme movie.
Lynden Trail, DE 6’7″ 269 Norfolk St.
- I’m not sure if he is better off sacking QB’s in the NFL or as a hiking-guide showing people the new paths he blazes through the mountains.
Mickey Baucus, OT 6’8″ 293 Arizona
- I feel like he must have appeared as one of the cupcake boxing foes Rocky used to pad his way up the rankings.
Prince-Tyson Gulley, RB 5’10″ 192 Syracuse
- Is he the 12th in line to inherit the throne of Zamunda or a possible 3rd down scat-back? We’ll see soon enough.
Hroniss Grasu, C 6’3″ 297 Oregon
- He had to have competed one year for World’s Strongest Man. Mel Kiper Jr. said he “lacks explosion” due to struggling with the anchor walk.
Chucky Hunter, DT 6’1″ 305 TCU
- Good thing he’s not a QB or John Gruden would be in trouble in his film sessions with this guy.
Clive Walford, TE 6’4″ 251 Miami
- I don’t know if it will end up being State Farm or Geico, but this guy will surely be running his own insurance agency after football life with a name like that.
Flag on the Play!
Cam Worthy, WR 6’2″ 211 East Carolina
- He better hope he puts up some cam worthy catches to stick in the league for a long time.
Matt Huffer, OT 6’7″ 300 South Dakota
- Huffing is a dangerous thing, kids. Could be an issue that his name has red flags built into it.
Chi Chi Ariguzo, OLB 6’3″ 230 Northwestern
- I’ve been really hoping that Chi Chi Rodriguez’ celebratory fencing routine after sinking a clutch putt made its way into the NFL. This guy’s the best bet for that to happen.
I must have mistaken you for someone else…
Cole Manhart, C 6’6″ 310 Nebraska-Kearney
- I may have to watch it again (since I’ve only seen it 463 times), but doesn’t this guy appear in the classic fight scene and showdown of the news crews in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy? I feel like he came out as a long-lost relative of Wes Mantooth to defend their mom Dorothy!
Shaq Mason, C 6’1″ 300 Georgia Tech
- Combine names of two of the biggest, baddest beasts to ever grace the NBA Hardwood (RIP Anthony Mason) and you’ve got a pretty damn cool name.
Jake Rodgers, OT 6’6″ 320 Eastern Washington
- State Farm must be behind this guy as he’s their marketing department’s wet dream. Between the “It’s Jake, from State Farm”, reference AND the discount double-check, this is major free advertising!
Kyle Costigan, OG 6’5″ 319 Wisconsin
- If this is the next undercover assignment from The Departed’s Billy Costigan, he may need a new identity. Of course then that whole funeral must have been a cover-up…damn you Scorcese!!
Al Bond, OG 6’4″ 303 Memphis
- Could be a love child from one of James Bond’s many trysts over the years, or even a direct descendent of Mr. Gold Bond.
Matt Lacosse, TE 6’6″ 250 Illinois
- Rumor has it that whatever team drafts him will start having to wear that stupid little alligator logo on their jerseys where the Swoosh would normally go.
Donatella Luckett, WR 6’0″ 211 Harding
- Somebody has a future as a fashion designer if I’ve ever seen one!
The French Renaissance Painter All First-Team:
Fritz Etienne, SS 6’2″ 210 Memphis
- A one of a kind painter specializing in Impressionism, with the ability to see the field and read the QB’s eyes.
Louis Trinca-Pasat, DT 6’1″ 290 Iowa
- The best Realism painter in Iowa, hands down.
Cameron Botticelli Minnesota 6’5″ 285 DE34
- An Abstract artist who sees focuses on the subject even if you can’t tell it’s a QB 6 feet away.
Other Cool Names:
MyCole Pruitt, TE 6’2″ 251 Southern Illinois
- My Cole, Your Cole, who’s counting?
Dreamius Smith, RB 6’0″ 217 West Virginia
- Dreamin of big paychecks come draft day.
Junior Salt, OG 6’2″ 315 Utah
- Please tell me the Bills draft him and he gets to play under Pepper Johnson.
Owamagbe Odighizuwa, DE 6’3″ 267 UCLA
- Nah-gah…naga…not gonna work here anymore!
Zach Zwiniak Penn State 6’1″ 233 FB
- Solidified his place of always getting his name called last when listed in alphabetical order. If someone makes him Mr. Irrelevant in the draft, it would be a cruel joke.
Rakeem Nunez-Roches, DT 6’2″ 307 Southern Miss
- Buenos Noches to you too, partner of Eric B…now Let the Rythym Hit ‘Em!
Bernard Blake, CB 6’0″ 185 Colorado St.
- Every year we’ve got one, but I won’t let it go. I can not trust a man with two first names, and this is about as blatant as it gets!
Jaquiski Tartt, SS 6’1″ 221 Samford
- Gob Stopper, Sour Patch Kids, Salt Water Taffy…Jaquiski Tart!