If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis of college talent, this ain’t the article for you. Go join Mel Kiper Jr. in his mom’s basement and enjoy all the Fritos you can eat while pouring over an endless loop of game-tape of every potential special teams contributor at the D-3 level.

40-times, bench press, 3-cone, 10-yard shuttles…they only give you a glimpse into what really matters when it comes to prospect analysis. How would their name look on the back of the jersey and in a media guide? Now that’s what I call a sure-fire draft strategy!

Talent evaluators that get paid mega-bucks to project what kind of player a kid will become in the league may act like they have the secret sauce, but the fact is that my method may not be that far off. All due respect to every Mr. Smith/Washington/Jones, but you won’t find any of them here. This is a list of the Best Player Names in the 2014 NFL Draft!

READY FOR THE BIG SCREEN

Brendan Bigelow – RB, California
- This Bigelow may also go by “Deuce”, and he hopes to live the Male Gigolo lifestyle as a likely late round draft pick.
Cody Latimer – WR, Indiana
- Cody will be fighting for a “Place at the Table”, only hopefully not smashing his head through car windows or using “artificial” methods to make sure he doesn’t get plowed over at the goal line again!
Crockett Gillmore – TE, Colorado State
- I’m in movie reference heaven with this big TE from Colorado State…do we ask about his unorthodox golf swing or maybe if his partner Tubbs is joining him in the NFL?
Colton Underwood – DE, Illinois State
- Good thing we know how old he is, otherwise I might assume he was the illegitimate love child of House of Cards President Frank Underwood and Agent Meachem. Awkwaaaard…

CELEBRITY LIKENESSES

Tim Flanders – RB, Sam Houston State
- Hey-Diddly-Ho! The RB from Sam Houston State might make a pretty annoying locker neighbor to whatever team that drafts him. May want to keep him off on his own for team chemistry purposes. Okilly-dokilly?
Gerald Ford – WR, Valdosta State
- This Gerald Ford isn’t a Michigan man like our 40th President, but if he has an iota of the success of the latter then he should do ok for himself.
Brian Wozniak – TE, Wisconsin
- “The Woz” will have no trouble gaining friends on his new team if he uses his namesake to wield the newest iPhones and iPads in the locker room.
Kaneakua Friel – TE, BYU
- Isn’t this the dude-err…chick, Manti Teo was dating? Just wondering.
Cassius Marsh – DE, UCLA
- Tackle like a butterfly, sack like a bee!
Kirby Van Der Kamp – P, Iowa State
- Not that I would know this, but I swear this is a character on one of those 18 shows on Bravo about housewives or other worthless spoiled brats in LA? Better ask the Mrs. to be sure…

ARTISTS OR BALLERS

Orleans Darkwa – RB, Tulane
- Naw’lins Darkwall, or however it’s pronounced should be a jazz trumpet player from The Big Easy as opposed to someone you try to tackle on 3rd and short.
Fitzgerald Toussaint – RB, Michigan
- I’m pretty sure I had an English lit professor at some point who spouted off about the amazing literary works of a Fitzgerald Toussaint. I’m sure he wrote a book I was supposed to read somewhere along the line.
Pierre Desir – CB, Lindenwood
- Potential 2nd round cornerback from a small school, or a French renaissance painter? You be the judge.

MISSED THEIR TRUE CALLING

Bookie Sneed – CB, Sam Houston State
- Will Dictator Roger Goodell even let this guy in the league? Whatever team he plays on, bet the under. Oh yeah, and bet with him.
Storm Johnson – RB, UCF
- How disappointed are this kid’s parents that he’s not the Weatherman for the 6pm Channel 7 news?
Macky MacPherson – C, Syracuse
- You know this dude was an Irish heavyweight boxer in a prior life. He could get away with claiming Stallone ripped off his life story for Rocky XII.
Gus Handler – C, Colorado
- I don’t know if this guy is actually blue collar, but he’s blue collar. If he doesn’t make it in the NFL he could easily get a job as a foreman on a Pittsburgh steel mill assembly line. They still have those, right?

HITMEN OF A DIFFERENT KIND

Sammy Seamster – CB, Middle Tennessee
- This kid’s name doesn’t scream “Middle Tennessee State” when you hear it. More like, “I did a stint, UPSTATE”. I’m betting he knows where Sammy the Bull is hiding out.
Vinnie Sunseri – S, Alabama
- This is more like the name of a guy the Chicago mob sends down to Florida to open up shop.

COULDN’T MAKE THESE UP

Gator Hoskins – FB, Marshall
- How badass can one name possibly be? We just found out. He should be a character on one of those swamp men shows.

Dakota Dozier – OG, Furman
- Even his college sounds kind of cool…Furman. Say it with me…Dakota Dozier from Fuuuurman. Nuff said.

Joe Don Duncan – TE, Dixie State
- This is the NFL just checking to see if we are paying attention, right? Otherwise how do they slip in a guy who sounds like a type-casted redneck movie character from a made up school? I need to watch Varsity Blues and Friday Night Lights again to see if they are just messing with us.

Chidera Uzo-Diribe – DE, Colorado
- Whether this guy is some new reggaeton band, or one of the extras in Captain Philips, I would pay money to have Dan Dierdorf back in the booth to give this name a go.

Ricky Tjong-A-Tjoe – DT, Boise State
- New Super Bowl Dance: everybody do the Tjong-A-Tjoe…dosey-doe and round we go!

FOR GOOD MEASURE

Jestin Love – S, Central Arkansas
- Smooooooth operator. I could see this guy having his own VH1 dating reality show after his career as a player comes to an end. Although something tells me he’ll always be a playa.
Ego Ferguson – DT, LSU
- Draftniks say he could have a high self-worth and could use a little humility.
Blake Treadwell – OG, Michigan State
- And the award for Best Adult Film Star name goes to…Bout-bout-chikka-boutbout!
Parker Orms – S, Colorado
- [In a British accent] Good day sir and welcome to the historic, Parker Orms! I could see this name as either a trendy loft apartment building in Cambridge or maybe even the meeting place of an uber-secret society or book club.
Zico Pasut – FB, ECU
- Didn’t Volkswagen just do a recall on this model?

HONORABLE MENTION

Fou Fonoti – OT, Michigan State
- Looks like a bad interpretation that shows up on Closed-Captioned TV where they were trying to say “kung foo fighting”.
Nat Berhe – S, SD State
- This guy wins the Least-Possible Syllables in a Name Award! English majors may correct me, but I’m only finding 2 syllables. I couldn’t even do that with a sneeze!
Colby Way – DT, Buffalo
- It’s got to be cool to already have a street named after you in most cities before you ever set foot in the NFL.
Marcus Lucas – WR, Missouri
- More of a personal bias here, but I’ve always gone by the mantra of never trusting a man with 2 first names!
Adhem Elsawi – OT, East Carolina
- Ahem, can I have your attention? Ahem. Mr. Elsawi?
IK Enemkpali – DE, Louisiana Tech
- No, I didn’t leave out any letters. They are both there. Would this be pronounced, “ick” or “eye-kay”? Either way it’s pretty sweet.

3 Comments

  1. Awesome list!

  2. What about “Ha Ha Clinton Dix” from Alabama?
    Even the MovieMind can’t overlook this guy and a Bill Clinton reference….

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