Scouting, interviewing, analyzing 40-times and pouring over game-tape is overrated. Teams would save a lot of time and money if they drafted players based on how bad-ass their names are. Based on the track record of many teams’ draft picks, they’d be better off picking players based off how the name on the back of their jerseys look. Here is a list of the Best Player Names in the 2013 NFL Draft:
BEST MOVIE/TV CHARACTER NAMES
“Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don’t turn it off! It wasn’t my war! You asked me, I didn’t ask you! And I did what I had to do to win!”
There will be no better sight on an NFL field next season than seeing RAMBO written across the back of a jersey.
D.J. Swearinger, S (South Carolina)
I’m not sure if any of you are Deadwood fans, but all I can see when I hear the name of the South Carolina safety is an image of the HBO outlaw Al Swearengen.
Dalton Freeman, C (Clemson)
Coming straight out of Roadhouse, James Dalton, I mean, Dalton Freeman, is one mullet shy of being a kick-ass bouncer of the Double Deuce. “I want you to be nice until it’s time to not be nice.”
MOST CONTROVERSIAL NAMES
I can hear the chants now, “More Uzzi…More Uzzi!!” There won’t be any other player with a more divided fan base. Gun rights enthusiasts will buy his jersey, while gun control advocates will picket in front of his locker. Let the games begin.
Robbie Rouse, RB (Fresno State)
Some locker room is going to get a little crazier when the dude that’s a walking Rebel Rouser walks in. Robbie Rouse could double as a Golden Gloves champ or a street fighter ready to throw down at ay sign of trouble.
BEST BAND NAMES
Steele Jantz, QB (Iowa State)
Now on tour with the 1980’s Hair-Band Revival, “Steele Jantz”! His entrance music into every NFL stadium should be walking out with Axel Rose hair and playing some face-melting riff for the crowd.
Yah mon…don’t let ‘em fool ya! Ziggy Ansah could have fit as one of Bob Marley’s Wailers, but instead will be rolling QB’s every Sunday.
Blaize Foltz, G (TCU)
Blaize better damn well be faster than his 5.3 second 40-yard dash time at his recent pro-day, otherwise he may be the next hot new hip-hop artist name a little sooner than I thought. His name is tailor-made to go platinum.
Darius Slay, CB (Mississippi State)
Try finding me a guy who could potentially come up with a more interesting new music sound then by using his own names. I would pay big bucks to see some mix of Hootie’s Darius Rucker and Slayer.
YOU COULDN’T MAKE THESE UP
Stansly Maponga, DE (TCU)
What do you get when you cross Stanley and Sylvester? Stansly, naturally. Throw in a Maponga for good measure.
Would you expect a guy with the name of Colton Chapple to be anything else other than a quarterback from Harvard? Well, maybe a hedge fund manager or trust fund baby driving his dad’s Benz out to the Hamptons for the weekend. I’m sure he’ll be doing that too after a brief detour through a couple NFL camps.
Uzoma Nwachukwu, WR (Texas A&M)
Naga…na-ga…not gonna work here anymore!
Dangerfield has an uphill battle ahead of him making it in the NFL from a small school, and as you can imagine, he gets no respect.
Shaq Wilson, OLB (South Carolina)
Not quite the same size or build as Mr. O’Neal, but there is a new Shaq in town. Now if he can somehow manage to produce a crappy movie as an oversized genie and a thousand Gold Bond commercials, he’ll be in good shape.
Jamoris Slaughter, SS (Notre Dame)
If he was a military man we would indeed have another Sargeant Slaughter on our hands.
Jawanza Starling, S (USC)
Hello, Clarice. Agent Starling may have had a husband all along we didn’t know about that went by the name Jawanza.
FOR GOOD MEASURE
Tyron Laughinghouse, WR (St. Augustine’s)
I’m pretty sure he will have the last laugh if he starts cashing NFL checks.
Is he a French artist from the Roaring 20’s or a 300 lb. lineman looking to maul in the NFL?
Avis Commack, CB (Akron)
Looking for a place to rent a car? Head over to the Avis in Commack, Long Island.