When you are an NFL team, there is so much detailed research and analysis that goes into selecting a college player in the annual draft that it can become overwhelming for us “regular” fans to keep up with. Even the most die-hard football crazy fans surely can’t watch as much game (and practice) tape on the hundreds of draft-eligible players. Even self-proclaimed draft “experts” like Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay, who make a living from analyzing draft picks, typically fall flat on their face many times with their analysis and predictions. Yet billion dollar corporations (teams) are about to invest mind-boggling sums of money in 21 year-old kids who like to run into each other as hard as they can. If the NFL Draft was a Wall Street investing strategy, it would be like Warren Buffet pouring his fortune into a twenty-something trust fund baby that calls himself a hedge fund. Nonetheless, these kids represent hope for a franchise and its fans that pay such keen attention that we can’t help but think we can do it better than those Warren Buffet’s of the draft world.
Instead of lining up with the rest of those pundits and wanna-be Kiper/McShays, I’d rather blaze my own trail and put forth a mock-draft that I KNOW those teams, owners, evaluators, and Kipers cannot possibly do better than I can. This Mock Draft is about what teams would do if the pool of draft-eligible players consisted solely of fictional movie characters. Most of you have seen these movies and since you are avid readers of FootballNation.com you are probably pretty knowledgeable about the game and players. Now let’s see how well you can merge the two-worlds together. Much like Tebow in Times Square, there’s going to some awkward moments. If you happen to agree with my prognostications or perhaps you feel more like former Colts GM Bill Tobin responding to Mel Kiper’s criticism of their first round pick in 1994 by saying, “Who the hell is Mel Kiper? My mailman knows more about the draft than he does”, I welcome your input regardless.
Movie NFL Mock Draft Criteria:The pool of players consists of any character from a movie with football as the main component in the plot. Characters that were based on real-life players are NOT draft-eligible. Much like the real NFL Draft, some positions have great depth and some do not. Each team’s positional needs will be addressed according to their glaring weaknesses from the 2011 season.
Selection to this team is based on a combination of the character’s “movie” ability (how talented the character is within context of the film), as well as the actor’s ability to represent a true football player.
This team includes all movies through March 2012. Without further ado…Mr. Commissioner:
“The Indianapolis Colts are on the clock.”
MOCK NFL MOVIE DRAFT
Pick #1: With the first selection, in the 2012 Mock Football Movie NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select…Frank Cushman (Jerry O’Connell), QB – Jerry Maguire.
This pick has been all but engraved in stone once the Horseshoes let their franchise player of the century and QB, Peyton Manning, walk. Question marks surround Cushman but most notably in the area of contract negotiations. He has changed agents in the draft process and shown a general lack of respect for dealing with teams. While he claimed he would either “surf or ski” when asked about where he would like to play, he’ll be doing neither and had better get focused on winning over some angry and bitter Colts fans as the franchise goes through a complete housecleaning in an effort to start anew. Only time will tell if it was the right move and it all depends on Peyton’s neck recovering from a nasty case of Cush-lash.
Draft Comparison: Andrew Luck, QB – Stanford
Upside Potential: Peyton Manning
Downside Scare: Ryan Leaf
Pick #2: [Washington Redskins – via trade] Willie Beamon (Jamie Foxx), QB – Any Given Sunday.
The man who calls himself “Steamin Willie Beamon” heads to Washington as Dan Snyder mortgaged the club’s future on his arm and mobility. He should step in on Day 1 and Mike Shanahan will love his flash, pizazz, and big-play ability. He presents endless opportunities when it comes to gameplanning. Criticisms are that he lacks the big-game preparation needed to step right in. Some have questioned his “guts” in pressure situations since at the Senior Bowl he was rumored to have yakked-up his lunch in the huddle before the first play. He’s a sick athlete who looks the part and also has the potential to back it up.
Draft Comparison: Robert Griffin III, QB – Baylor
Upside Potential: Cam Newton
Downside Scare: Alex Smith (pre-2011 season)
Pick #3: [Minnesota Vikings] Bud-Lite Kaminski (Abraham Benrubi), OL – The Program.
Pundits are calling Kaminski the “safest” bet at the tackle position and with his immense size, he sure has the look of a franchise left tackle. After protecting fellow first-round QB prospect Joe Kane (both on and off the field) for 4 years, he will be looking after the blindside of Christian Ponder this season. Interestingly enough, Ponder is rumored to have first attended to ESU prior to transferring to lookalike FSU. He has also managed to stay injury-free in his career, partially due to his moonlighting as an ER nurse. Critics have heard from old classmates who say he can be a big bully [a Source named “Parker Lewis” confirms these accusations and others question his laid back “yippee-kay-yi-yay, get along little doggie” style as too soft for the NFL.
Draft Comparison: Matt Kalil, OL – USC
Upside Potential: Jake Long
Downside Scare:Robert Gallery
Pick #4: [Cleveland Browns] Julian Washington (LL Cool J), RB – Any Given Sunday.
The Browns are considering WR here but have to pick the best player available which translates to a physical freak in Julian Washington. Since Cleveland lacks any real threats at all, they opt to build off the run game and not Colt McCoy’s arm. Washington is a big, strong, punishing back with breakaway speed with great hands for a big back. He does have some red flags in his past and can be viewed as somewhat of a “prima-dona”, but Cleveland should roll out the red carpet for him if he asks for it. He just keeps doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well. What else can you ask for?
Draft Comparison: Trent Richardson, RB – Alabama
Upside Potential: Adrian Peterson
Downside Scare: Shonn Greene
Pick #5: [Tampa Bay Buccaneers] Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding, Jr.), WR – Jerry Maguire.
Tidwell is a talent who recently has shown the ability to go over the middle for the tough catch after previously avoiding the middle of the field his entire career. Some scouts are down on his diva-like high-maintenance and constant talk about showing him the money. Rumor has it he’s already locked up an endorsement deal from the Mattress King in Tampa. Not the best first impression to make with future employers but Tampa Bay is desperate for weapons to help out Freeman. Since this year’s draft class of movies-err, players, is extremely thin at CB, TB has to go for the best available talent.
Draft Comparison: Justin Blackmon, WR – Oklahoma State
Upside Potential: Santana Moss
Downside Scare: Antwaan Randle El
Pick #6: [St. Louis Rams] Deacon Moss (Michael Irvin), WR – The Longest Yard.
In desperate need for a clear-cut impact wide receiver to help Sam Bradford, St. Louis needs to be extremely wary of Deacon Moss’ drug-riddled criminal past. I don’t know what’s more “red-flag” than plucking a guy out of the local prison league. He has HOF talent but could easily get run out of Goodell’s No-Fun-League in a heartbeat. St, Louis fans get the pleasure of witnessing the million-dollar speed he possesses, but unfortunately may get an even clearer picture of that ten-cent head of his.
Draft Comparison: Michael Floyd, WR – Notre Dame
Upside Potential: Braylon Edwards
Downside Scare: Charles Rogers
Pick #7: [Jacksonville Jaguars] Steve Lattimer(Andrew Bryniarski), DL – The Program.
Hoping to bolster their anemic pass rush, the Jags manage to get the premier stud in the D-Line crop in Steve Lattimer. He has an NFL attitude and physique, although it comes with plenty of red flags inckuding speculation of rampant use of performance enhancing drugs and a domestic abuse situation with a prior girlfriend. He has a high motor and is a freak in the weight-room, although critics say his toughness took a hit after giving up the final TD on a goal-line stand in his final game. None of the concerns were enough to sway the Jags who need him to step up right away as a starter and hope he doesn’t run afoul of the league’s revamped testing policy.
Draft Comparison: Quinton Coples, DE – North Carolina
Upside Potential: Mark Gastineau
Downside Scare: Mike Mamula
Pick #8: [Miami Dolphins] Joe Kane (Craig Sheffer), QB – The Program.
The Fins have been leaning towards taking a QB after failed attempts to have anyone not named Garrard or Moore behind center on opening day. Kane is a guy from a big-time college program but comes to the Fins with big-league problems already, having fought a drinking problem throughout his career. He might be a system QB and probably had more weapons in college than he will in Miami after they jettisoned Brandon Marshall, but as long as he manages the game and doesn’t turn the ball over he could be a steal. At this point even a motor-cycle riding alcoholic with girlfriend issues is a decent alternative to a guy who wasn’t in football a year ago and another guy who shouldn’t have been.
Draft Comparison:Ryan Tannehill, QB – Texas A&M
Upside Potential: Matt Schaub
Downside Scare: Chris Weinke
Pick #9: [Carolina Panthers] Switowski (Bob Sapp), DL – The Longest Yard.
The Panthers are searching high and low for something to bolster their brutal defense and get some kind of impact player along the D-Line. Look no further as they go all-in on a guy who looks like he could take on three blockers by himself. Switowski is a human anomaly with his size and athleticism, but he does sort of fit the bill of “looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane”. He’s already been called a workout warrior and never truly dominated the competition as he should have for someone his size leading experts to believe he’s a teddy bear trapped inside Teddy Atlas.
Draft Comparison: Dontari Poe, DL – Memphis
Upside Potential: Warren Sapp
Downside Scare: Glenn Dorsey
Pick #10: [Buffalo Bills] O.W. Shaddock (John Matuszack), OL/DL – North Dallas Forty.
After solidifying their defensive line in free agency by paying Mario Williams and Mark Anderson the equivalent to the gross nation debt of Guam, the Bills turn their attention to other side of the ball. An absolute beast that can actually play both sides of the line, the Bills will love his potential as a franchise tackle with the versatility to utilize him as a throwback two-way player. Like many others in this draft, there has been some talk about performance enhancing drug-use in his past so testing might be a concern. If it is all natural, his freakish strength that got him into the Strongman Competition will pose huge threat for opponents and Buffalo immediately has one of the best interiors in all of football.
Draft Comparison: Riley Reiff, OL – Iowa
Upside Potential: John Runyan
Downside Scare: Tony Madarich
Pick #11: [Kansas City Chiefs] Bobby Boucher Jr. (Adam Sandler), LB – The Waterboy.
This Boucher kid has definitely got a screw loose, or possibly more than one. For all the talk about his football smarts, he had the worst Wonderlic score in the history of the test by registering a solid “0”. Every answer he submitted read, “It’s the devil.” His short temper provided the motivation to be a sideline-to-sideline “high-motor” guy in college who single-handedly resurrected the worst football program in America. If he can channel that at the next level his potential is limitless. The trouble is that some worry about his level of competition and that his head may just explode at any point during a game. He’s a lock to draw more fines than James Harrison after drop-kicking a guy in a game once, but it’s still a worthwhile pick for the Chiefs defense that is turning into an elite unit.
Draft Comparison: Luke Keuchly, LB – Boston College
Upside Potential: Sean Lee
Downside Scare: Andy Katzenmoyer
Pick #12: [Seattle Seahawks] Manumana (Peter Navy Tuiasosopo), OL – Necessary Roughness.
A versatile player on the interior O-Line, the Samurai will be asked to shore up a unit that has to keep new acquisition Matt Flynn upright and in one piece if Pete Carroll plans to stick around. He has been called the safest pick in the draft along the interior line and should be a stalwart for at least a decade. He has showed incredible loyalty to teammates during his collegiate career, even serving as the enforcer for the kicker!Steven Hauschka has got to be pretty excited.
Draft Comparison: David DeCastro, OL – Stanford
Upside Potential: Kevin Mawae
Downside Scare: Toniu Fonoti
Pick #13: [Arizona Cardinals] Billy Bob (Ron Lester), OL – Varsity Blues.
Billy Bob has been groomed to be an offensive lineman since birth, and his physique tells the same tale. He is just plain hard to move and could be a potential road-paver for Beanie Wells. The Cards want to make sure they give Kevin Kolb a fair chance to succeed and in order to chuck it Larry Fitz’s way 15 times a game you need to be upright. He won’t be pulling around the end as a lead blocker too often since he’ll sweat gallons just by walking to the crapper in the desert heat. He possesses great football smarts though despite lingering concussion issues but since he’s about a French-crueler away from keeling over, trainers will be wary of his conditioning level.
Draft Comparison: Cordy Glenn, OL – Georgia
Upside Potential: Brian Waters
Downside Scare: Barry Richardson
Pick #14: [Dallas Cowboys] Joey Battle (Bill Goldberg), DL – The Longest Yard.
As they have been known to do, the ‘Boys ignore character concerns and go after physical freaks who flat out play. Battle looks like he was born with a star on the side of his clean-shaven dome and he will fit right in with the brash characters on these perennial underachievers. Some say he ran with Pacman back in the day, which is how he flew up so high on Dallas’ radar. The guy is a monster (in more ways than one…he wsn’t nicknamed “The Hammer” in the pokey for nothing) who is not afraid to use jail yard tactics to intimidate and ultimately dominate the game. If there was ever someone to draft an ex-con that looks like a pro wrestler, Jerry Jones is the man. Especially now without Al Davis around anymore he’s got to pick up the slack.
Draft Comparison: Melvin Ingram, DL – South Carolina
Upside Potential: Jared Allen
Downside Scare: Dan Wilkinson
Pick #15: [Philadelphia Eagles] Phillip Finch (Tab Thacker), DL – Wildcats.
Finch is a mammoth D-Lineman who also has incredible agility for his size as a former college wrestler (Tab Thacker actually did wrestle). He will shore up the developing D-Line in Philly and will be a force in the run game. A background check reveals a tendency toward gambling, on anything really, and should be a concern of the Eagles. He’d better go all-out on every play (which is not his forte) because I doubt the City of Brotherly Love will take too long in letting them know how they feel about slackers.
Draft Comparison: Fletcher Cox, DL – Mississippi State
Upside Potential: Phil Taylor
Downside Scare: Alan Branch
Pick #16: [NY Jets] Luther “Shark” Lavay (Lawrence Taylor), LB – Any Given Sunday.
The Jets are thrilled about Lavay falling this far as Rex and Mike Tannenbaum completely neglect the offensive side of the ball and go with the best player available. You couldn’t find more of a perfect fit for Rex than this loud-mouthed head-hunting wack job. Lavay has the ability and potential to “redefine” the DE/OLB position and will step right in make a huge impact by terrorizing QB’s across the league. There are concerns about some heavy drug-use in his past, but it is too much natural ability to pass up. It will be worth the price of admission just to watch Lavay and Tebow interact in the same lockeroom in a true good vs. evil matchup. That’s just the kind of circus Rex revels in.
Draft Comparison: Courtney Upshaw, LB – Alabama
Upside Potential: Shawne Merriman
Downside Scare: Courtney Brown
Pick #17: [Cincinnati Bengals] Megget (Nelly), RB – The Longest Yard.
Megget is a stout little guy who possesses uncanny speed, vision, and cutting ability. After letting go of Cedric Benson and replacing him with “The Law Firm”, Benjarvis Green-Ellis, Cincy looks to add depth and improve the RB spot with this pick. BJGE hasn’t shown the ability to be a feature back and Megget should complement him nicely.His struggle will be to figure out if he can handle the beating of the NFL but he shouldn’t spend too much time between the tackles anyway. A potential rap-gang related past could come back to haunt him in Cincy with that cast of crooks in the lockeroom. This time, instead of waiting for a player they drafted to go to jail, why not shake things up and just draft one out of there?
Draft Comparison: Doug Martin, RB – Boise State
Upside Potential: Michael Turner
Downside Scare: Travis Minor
Pick #18: [San Diego Chargers] Andre Krimm (Sinbad), OL – Necessary Roughness.
Krimm is a big dude who scouts say has an even bigger sense of humor. Now I’m not saying he’s actually all that funny, but scouts love his even-keeled demeanor and level head. He’ll need to find a bit more of a nasty streak at the next level to make an impact though. Either way San Diego is better off than they were before selecting Krimm after inexplicably letting go of Marcus McNeill.
Draft Comparison: Jonathan Martin, OL – Stanford
Upside Potential: Michael Oher
Downside Scare: Jason Smith
Pick #19: [Chicago Bears] Charlie Tweeder (Scott Caan), WR – Varsity Blues.
The Bears decide to attempt to give Cutler some help at the WR spots and realize that the mish-mosh of also-ran guys aren’t going to cut it anymore. Unfortunately, Tweeder fits the same mold as the guys already on the roster. He is very small in stature but can be considered a game-breaker who likes to improvise…if you don’t believe that just check out “high school WR steals cop car” on YouTube. Knowing Tweeder’s affinity for the local gentlemen’s establishments and penchant for run ins with the law, his attention might be elsewhere as a rookie.
Draft Comparison: Kendall Wright, WR – Baylor
Upside Potential: Steve Smith
Downside Scare: Jeremy Bloom
Pick #20: [Tennessee Titans] Brian Murphy (David Denman), TE – The Replacements.
An amazing story, Murphy is has overcome his deafness to become a first-round pick in the NFL. He has average size and speed, but will fit in nicely within the Titans’ scheme and give Matt Hasselbeck a better threat than Craig Stevens gives him now. The only worries here are that family members say he hasn’t been the same since he was dumped by longtime fiancé Pam for some other dude named Jim.
Draft Comparison: Coby Fleener, TE – Stanford
Upside Potential: Kevin Boss
Downside Scare: Anthony Fassano
Pick #21: [Cincinnati Bengals] Earl Wilkinson/Ray Smith (Michael Jace), LB – The Replacements.
This dude is a flat-out beast, but it is never a good sign when your draftee already has an “alias”. He can also play a little RB which should play nicely along with the Bengals earlier pickup of Megget, but he certainly provides attitude to the burgeoning defense. Added bonus: as with many others of Cincy’s squad, Wilkinson/Smith also comes with the added car pool bonus since he is unable to travel outside of his home and place of employment thanks to probation terms.
Draft Comparison: Zach Brown, LB – North Carolina
Upside Potential: David Harris
Downside Scare: Vernon Gholsten
Pick #22: [Cleveland Browns] James Alexander “Jimmy” Dix (Damon Wayans), QB – The Last Boyscout.
The Browns show us new levels of ineptitude after passing on Joe Kane in the #4 spot, they reach for another overachieving smurf QB to compete with their existing overachieving smurf QB. Rumor has it that the training camp battle will feature a contest pitting the mighty mites against each other in a battle of the vertically challenged. My money is on Jimmy “The Degenerate” Dix. It is no secret the issues Dix carries with him to the NFL and I wonder if he is the only QB in the draft unable to beat out Colt McCoy for the starting gig. He has some talent but nonetheless is a huge reach and gamble here at pick #22. Dix will make McCoy look like a saint and the savior when he’s through here.
Draft Comparison: Russell Wilson, QB – Wisconsin
Upside Potential: Colt McCoy
Downside Scare: Quincy Carter
Pick #23: [Detroit Lions] Patrick “Madman” Kelly (Andrew Bryniarski), OL – Any Given Sunday.
Kelly is a ruthless punisher on the O-Line who can bring back some punch that the Lions running game lost. They also need to keep Stafford healthy and Kelly is a good step in that direction. He seems to be a little schizophrenic and claims to embody more players than just himself, such as fellow 1st round pick Steve Lattimer. Funny enough, those same steroid speculations follow him here too.
Draft Comparison: Bobby Massie, OL – Mississippi
Upside Potential: Eric Winston
Downside Scare: Winston Justice
Pick #24: [Pittsburgh Steelers] Turley (Dalip Singh), OL – The Longest Yard.
Quite possibly the largest man to ever play in the NFL, Turley stands over 7-feet tall and a legitimate 400 pounds of pure unadulterated muscle. He’s got the whole “Brock Lesnar factor” and probably will win most matchups just by walking up to the line of scrimmage. If Pittsburgh can work on his footwork, which at this point does not match the wonders of his size by any means, they may have the steal of the draft. BigBen is not a small dude and he still may need a stepladder to throw over him, but it won’t matter much if Turley just plows over anyone and anything in front of him. I can’t wait to watch Todd “PGA” Haley try to play his pee-wee league mind games with this guy.
Draft Comparison: Mike Adams, OL – Ohio State
Upside Potential: Jonathan Ogden
Downside Scare: Juan Roque (Who? Exactly.)
Pick #25: [Denver Broncos] Clifford Franklin (Orlando Jones), WR – The Replacements.
Do you think Peyton Manning had something to do with this pick? The Donkeys are already letting the patients run the asylum and agree to outfit Peyton with any additional weapon he asks for. Unfortunately, this one is just “another guy”. Franklin has the looks of a decent, all-around and fairly solid receiver. He had great interviews with the team and apparently left a memorable mark on their minds. He is at the tail end of a deep receiving class so it is a mystery as to what his immediate impact will be. If Peyton’s past track record is any indication though, he’ll turn into an All-Pro in short order. Franklin thanks his lucky stars he had the chance to work out as a “scab” with Peyton at Duke during last year’s offseason lockout.
Draft Comparison: Alshon Jeffery, WR – South Carolina
Upside Potential: Brandon Marshall
Downside Scare: Troy Williamson
Pick #26: [Houston Texans] Featherstone (Duane Davis), WR – Necessary Roughness.
A one-dimensional pure speed guy who has trouble catching even the easiest of throws, Featherstone stays true to his name because he runs light as a feather and has hands of stone. Houston will use him to serve as a deep threat opposite all-world WR Andre Johnson. The pair of them could be a lethal combination as long as it’s Schaub and not Leinart throwing to them. Unless he improves his hands though it’s only a matter of time until teams go back to worrying only about Andre since Featherstone couldn’t catch an STD in a Taiwanese brothel with a fist-full of fifties.
Draft Comparison: Stephen Hill, WR – Georgia Tech
Upside Potential: DeSean Jackson
Downside Scare: Dexter McCluster
Pick #27: [New England Patriots] Daniel Bateman (Jon Favreau), LB – The Replacements.
The Pats have a huge need on the defensive side of the ball and most notably at LB and in the secondary. Due to the very thin (or nonexistent) cornerback class, they opt instead for a tough, high-energy linebacker. He’s definitely a little sick in the head and seems to completely enjoy knocking the snot out of people. Even though he is undersized and somewhat slow, he is still money and doesn’t even know it.
Draft Comparison: Dont’a Hightower, LB – Alabama
Upside Potential: Zach Thomas
Downside Scare: Rolando McClain
Pick #28: [Green Bay Packers] Lance Harbor (Paul Walker), QB – Varsity Blues.
After signing their replacement center (50 year-old Jeff Saturday) and losing their one-game wonder at backup QB (Matt Flynn), the Pack look to groom the next Aaron Rogers. They were also pretty spooked by what happened in Indy so would like to add someone in the event Rogers has to miss extended time. Harbor gets the nod from the Pack as they liken his arm-strength and mobility to a young Rogers. He overcame a devastating knee injury in high school to go on to a productive college career but those concerns still linger. He has a pretty-boy mentality but he is used to having high expectations on his shoulders after coming out of the top high school program in Texas. He also has the game knowledge of a coach from an emergency stint as one in high school.
Draft Comparison: Brandon Weeden, QB – Oklahoma State
Upside Potential: Carson Palmer
Downside Scare: Jesse Palmer
Pick #29: [Baltimore Ravens] Alvin Mack (Duane Davis), LB – The Program.
The Ravens have been searching high and low for the next Ray Lewis since the old man has shown a few more sign of wear and tear. No he didn’t murder anyone else, he’s just getting a little slower. The Ravens may have hit the jackpot here and even though it will be called a reach, they manage to get a great find in Mack. The biggest question with Mack is how he has recovered from a devastating leg injury during his college career. Scouts were amazed it did not end his playing days entirely, but Baltimore was happy that he fell this far due to those concerns. He has great instincts for a LB but rumors abound that he could not even read the contract his agent presented him. The one thing he did know how to spell, however, was his name on that N-F-L contract.
Draft Comparison: Mychal Kendricks, LB – California
Upside Potential: Brandon Spikes
Downside Scare: Aaron Curry
Pick #30: [San Francisco 49ers] Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves), QB – The Replacements.
After pursuing and ultimately losing out on Peyton Manning, the ‘Niners show their lack of faith in Alex Smith as the long-term answer and are thrilled when Falco falls all the way to the end of the first round. Falco is a guy with a big arm but comes with big concerns over lack of production in big games against top-tier opponents. His earlier playing days under the alias of Johnny “F-ing” Utah and an exodous from the game to pursue FBI dreams and big waves caused him to slip this far.
Draft Comparison: Kirk Cousins, QB – Michigan State
Upside Potential: Sam Bradford
Downside Scare: Tyler “Shane” Palko
Pick #31: [New England Patriots] Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks), RB – Forrest Gump.
The “Genious” of Bill Belichick strikes again! After letting “The Law Firm” move on to greener (grayer) pastures in Cincy, most pundits thought Bill was set at RB with last year’s draft picks ready to take on bigger roles. Wrong again. After showing us he can make a star out of 4-foot tall Danny Woodhead, he gives another proverbial middle finger to the league by trying to make a star out of a guy with legitimate mental issues. Once Gump started running, he never stopped. He has led quite a charming life while breaking most rushing records at Alabama, yet scouts still worried about his intellectual shortcomings. He tied Bobby Boucher Jr.’s record-breaking lowest ever score on the Wonderlic which is what ultimately caused him to slide this far. If the Pats can win yet another Super Bowl, it should be just another day for the man who has already been to the White House…twice.
Draft Comparison: LaMichael James, RB – Oregon
Upside Potential: Roger Craig
Downside Scare: Brian Leonard
Pick #32: [New York Giants] Guard Lambert (Bill Romanowski), LB – The Longest Yard.
Not one single team who interviewed him liked his attitude, although it may translate to toughness on the field. He has been labeled his entire career as a dirty player, even rumored to have spit on a teammate once. Is it his part-time job as a prison guard that has made him this way or is that what comes with his package of abilities? The Giants are in desperate need for LB help and even coming off a Super win find themselves in a better position going into this season after adding Lambert.
Draft Comparison: Lavonte David, LB – Nebraska
Upside Potential: Bill Romanowski
Downside Scare: Aaron Maybin
2012 Football Movies Mock NFL Draft
BEST OF THE DAY 2 SELECTIONS:
ROUND 2: Pick #34: [Indianapolis Colts] Wendell Brown (Eliel Swinton), RB –Varsity Blues.
Brown is a solid all-around runner who will fit the Colts scheme nicely. They are weak at the RB position and will want to get Cush a reliable ground game to take some pressure off. His quick cuts and straight-ahead running style pushes him past some other great RB’s in a deep draft class. Now let’s just see if Chuck Pagano decides to give him the ball at the goaline or will he let Cush take all the glory?
Draft Comparison: Lamar Miller, RB – Miami (FL)
Upside Potential: Willis McGahee
Downside Scare: J.J. Arrington
ROUND 2: Pick #38: [Jacksonville Jaguars] Jimmy Sanderson (Bill Bellamy), WR – Any Given Sunday.
After shoring up their D-line in round 1, the Jags try to land a little something to help convince the rest of the NFL that Blaine Gabbert is a good QB. Sanderson is a tall lanky guy who can run and will be a nice target for Blaine as he two-steps out of the pocket on almost every play. There are question marks about his dedication to the game due to his passion for the music industry, but new owner Shahid Khan apparently wants to start his own record label and thinks Sanderson is the guy for the job (both of them).
Draft Comparison: Rueben Randle, WR – LSU
Upside Potential: Keyshawn Johnson
Downside Scare: Arrelious Benn
ROUND 2: Pick #50: [Chicago Bears] Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps), RB – The Program.
After pissing off franchise RB Matt Forte by giving new backup RB Michael Bush a contract when they won’t even negotiate with him, the Bears front office must have made this move for good measure. Either they are getting a few kicks out of grating on Forte’s nerves or they really have no intentions of paying him big money and instead are already formulating their backup plan. Jefferson is a big-time talent from a big-time program. He’s got plenty of moxie to go along with his game so it should be interesting to watch him clash with the guy he was brought in to take over for. One would think it may go something like this: Forte: “Hi. I’m Matt Forte, tailback.” Jefferson: “The pleasure is all yours. I’m Darnell Jefferson, starting tailback.”
Draft Comparison: Isaiah Pead, RB – Cincinnati
Upside Potential: Warrick Dunn
Downside Scare: Ki-Jana Carter
ROUND 2: Pick #57: [Denver Broncos] Cap Rooney (Dennis Quaid), QB – Any Given Sunday.
In a classic “Oh sh*t” moment, John Elway realizes he no longer has either Tim Tebow or even Brady freaking Quinn to back up his 36 year-old broken-necked QB. He knocks himself down from the pedestal he’s been put on by overreaching for a heady game-manager in Rooney figuring he can learn to master the position under the tutelage of Manning. Rooney is a classic career backup, and some are a bit more blunt and call him boring. Average arm, average footwork, and a strong possibility that he is merely a product of the system he ran could turn out to make Elway an even bigger genius or a complete donkey.
Draft Comparison: Kellen Moore, QB – Boise State
Upside Potential: Alex Smith
Downside Scare: Todd Marinovich
ROUND 2: Pick #62: [New England Patriots] Greg Meaney (Todd Holland), LB – The Waterboy.
Meaney is more formidable than just his namesake and even flashed some two-way potential in college. He should help put the ‘D’ back in New Englan_ and give that side of the ball a little more attitude. Actually, based on his game tape he’s been known to get more than his fair share of unsportsmanlike conduct penalties so he’ll be bringing a LOT more attitude to the Pats.
Draft Comparison: Vontaze Burfict, LB – ASU
Upside Potential: Brian Urlacher
Downside Scare: David Pollack
ROUND 3: Pick #69: [Washington Redskins] Jamal Jackson (Faizon Love), OL – The Replacements
The Redskins make an effort to protect their future after betting the house on Willie Beamon and select a guy the size of a house in Jamal Jackson. He’s loyal and will serve as personal protector for Beamon both on and off the field.
Draft Comparison: Zebrie Sanders, OL – Florida State
Upside Potential: Kareem McKenzie
Downside Scare: Khalif Barnes
ROUND 3: Pick #74: [Kansas City Chiefs] Ray Griffen (J. Leon Pridgen II), RB/FB – The Program.
KC lured Special Agent Peyton Hillis into an alreadfy legit backfield and makes the move to draft Griffen as the best lead-blocking fullback in the draft. He also has some running ability, having lost his starting tailback spot to former teammate Darnell Jefferson, which also can help take some of the attention off Charles & Hillis. He took a while to adjust to his backseat role but seemed togo all-in once he realized he could be a full time fullback at the next level.
Draft Comparison: Emil Igwenagu, FB – UMASS
Upside Potential: Mike Alstott
Downside Scare: William “Bar None” Floyd
ROUND 4: Pick #96: [St. Louis Rams] Cheeseburger Eddy (Terry Crews), LB – The Longest Yard.
It ain’t easy bein’ cheesy. But now Cheeseburger Eddy can certainly afford more from the dollar menu as a 4th rounder of the Rams. A former convict, the Rams go back to the Lawrence Phillps/Leonard Little days and take a huge gamble with a potentially big payoff. Eddy has an NFL physique and athleticism but still needs to stay out of trouble. If that wasn’t good enough, he smells like pure power.
Draft Comparison: James-Michael Johnson, LB – Nevada
Upside Potential: Ray Lewis
Downside Scare: Odell Thurman
ROUND 5: Pick #148: [Oakland Raiders] Stefen Djordjevic (Tom Cruise), RB – All the Right Moves.
Oakland looks to fill in for the departure of Michael Bush in the later rounds on the draft by looking for depth behind Darren McFadden. Djordjevic has average speed at best and terrible size for the position. Not to mention those in his inner circle claim that he is a “whack-job” and practices “cult-like” beliefs. Sounds like a strikeout for Oakland’s new regime.
Draft Comparison: Bobby Rainey, RB – Western Kentucky
Upside Potential: Knowshon Moreno
Downside Scare: Kevin Smith
ROUND 6: Pick #186: [Dallas Cowboys] Bobby Collins (Jon Pennell), QB – The Program.
The Cowboys look to add depth behind Tony Romo late in the draft when they select Collins in the 6th round. It is a controversial pick due to Collins’ dismissal from his college squad after only managing a backup role throughout his career. He certainly has been known for effectively carrying on the drunken backup QB stigma very well.
Draft Comparison: Case Keenum, QB – Houston
Upside Potential: Brady Quinn
Downside Scare: Colt Brennan
ROUND 6: Pick #201: [New York Giants] Gavin Grey (Dennis Quaid), RB – Everybody’s All-American.
The G-Men take a stab at finding a replacement for the newly departed Brandon Jacobs by selecting Grey in the late rounds. He is a classic prototype of a guy from a big program who has played in big-time games and produced but simply doesn’t have the measurables needed to be a regular contributor in the NFL. One thing is for sure, he possesses all the intangibles and is not quite ready to deal with what life without football has to offer.
Draft Comparison: Ronnie Hillman, RB – San Diego State
Upside Potential: Brandon Jackson
Downside Scare: Mike Hart
ROUND 7: Pick #212: [Tampa Bay Buccaneers] Nigel “The Leg” Gruff (Rhys Ifans), K – The Replacements.
Gruff has a monster leg with above-average accuracy, but there are many concerns with his activities off the field. Point-shaving incidents followed him all through his career but he still somehow managed better than a 90% career field goal percentage. Tampa Bay just better hope that the 10% he misses aren’t the ones that failed to cover the spread.
Draft Comparison: Blair Walsh, K – Georgia
Upside Potential: Sebastian Janikowski
Downside Scare: Justin Medlock
ROUND 7: Pick #18: [Pittsburgh Steelers] Barney Gorman (Tony Danza), K – The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.
The Steelers need someone at camp to challenge Shaun Suisham who missed a couple of clutch kicks last year and while he has the leg strength, lacks severely in accuracy. Gorman comes in as an underdog who beat the odds to get a shot kicking in the NFL and while he has only average leg strength, the name of the game for Pitt is hitting the ones you’re supposed to.
Draft Comparison: Carson Wiggs, K – Purdue
Upside Potential: Matt Stover
Downside Scare: Bill Gramatica
List of movies in consideration for the team:
- All The Right Moves
- Any Given Sunday
- The Program
- Necessary Roughness
- Varsity Blues
- The Waterboy
- Jerry MaGuire
- The Replacements
- The Longest Yard (original & remake)
- The Last Boy Scout
- The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon
- North Dallas Forty
- Everybody’s All-American
- Little Giants
- Forrest Gump
- Johnny Be Good
- The Gameplan
- Facing The Giants
- Second String
- The Best of Times
List of movies excluded from consideration for the team (due to characters based on real-life players):
- Brian’s Song
- We Are Marshall
- Friday Night Lights
- Gridiron Gang
- The Junction Boys
- Playmakers (since it was a TV series and not a movie)
- Remember the Titans
- The Express:The Ernie Davis Story
- The 5th Quarter
- The Blind Side