The Movie Mind

Movie Mind Says:  Wait for Cable (or not at all)

If You Like This You Should Watch:  The Tournament, Death Race
Better Than:  Hmmmm…nope, I got nothing.
Worse Than:  The Condemned, 300

Starring: Gerard Butler, Amber Valetta, Michael C. Hall

What’s worse than a horribly atrocious movie that has zero redeeming qualities or entertainment value at all? A horribly atrocious movie with zero redeeming qualities or entertainment value that attempts to make a profound statement about society. *Note to filmmakers everywhere: if you are putting together 2 hours of slop…at least make it lighthearted slop and don’t attempt to testify on the state of our world. It only makes you look stupid(er). The Movie Mind can tolerate some fairly bad movies and as you know I am not afraid to be critical, sometimes even a bit overly critical. Take my word for it when I say there are no words strong enough to convey the level of trash and nonsense ths poor excuse of a movie amounts to. On top of that (as if it needed anything else)…it’s completely unoriginal.

I have to make a confession here. I have never seen a Gerard Butler movie before. I had figured I would come across 300 at some point and not turn it off, but I really never got an itch to watch Lara Croft, Beowulf, or The Ugly Truth. I now realize these were the smartest decisions (or subconscious non-decisions) I have ever made in my life. This guy makes me want to nominate Matthew McConaughey for a Lifetime Achievement Award. Seriously, he makes the Brendan Fraser movie section (the $4.99 movie bin at Wal-Mart) look like a collection of the greatest acting performances of all time. In his defense, I think I counted all of a half-dozen lines he utters throughout the entire film (as the lead role, mind you). But after hearing them, I thought this lack of dialogue could have been the only smart decision the directors made.

I am taking a leap of faith with this prediction, but I think this movie was aimed at hardcore video-game dorks (maybe the Gamers title gave it away) but I think they could be the ones who hate it the most. It paints anybody who plays video games as a big, fat, pimple-faced-loser…literally. The movie places us at some point in the future where reality and gaming have created a blurry line. In fact, the video games utilize real people who are commanded by the gamers. On a clear smack in the face to The Sims, a game called “Society” puts mind-controlled real-people as characters in a sex/drugs/violence-fueled area where anything goes. Another game which makes “Society” look like Mario-Kart, there is another brilliant creation called, “Slayer”, which is a game where death-row inmates fight 30 matches and earn the right to be freed if they live through it all. Sound familiar? It should, it’s been done no less than a half-dozen other times in The Condemned, The Tournament, Death Race, etc. Good ol’ Gerry Butler almost makes it to the end of this challenge but the brainchild of the game (and apparently the future czar of this new world) won’t let it happen. I will spare you the gripping details about how this dork essentially took over the free world with his mind-controlling scientific technology and ability to bail out the government’s prison system, but basically he can do anything he wants; even better – he can make anyone do anything he wants. So there is your synopsis. Add in some extremely sloppy filmmaking, camera work, writing (whatever there was), acting, and you get a big pile of steaming hot garbage.

Look, I didn’t go into this movie with high expectations. In fact, I didn’t have any expectations at all. It was my first (and last) time watching Gerard Butler, and I figured based on the plot it would have been a chingy sci-fi flick with decent action scenes that served to pass the time along at best. Instead I got a lecture on the state of the world from some “I am disgusted in America-frauds” and the worst action scenes since Live Free or Die Hard. The writers (who are also the directors and don’t even deserve to mentioned by name) should have to return their paychecks (plus interest) and never permitted to make another film ever again. I could name 500 things I would want to do for 2 hours (long-division, shoe-shopping, toilet-scrubbing, etc.) instead of watching this movie and I suggest you take me up on that. 
Submitted 5-19-10

Interesting Cameo Appearance:  Terry Crews (aka Cheeseburger Eddy from The Longest Yard (remake) and the dad on Everybody Hates Chris, in addition to a number of other bit parts) as Hackman (yup…just like the name sounds), a psychotic killer who is brought in to the “Slayer” game to take out Kable.

Memorable Quotes:
Roland: Only God should have this power.

Simon: What’s the matter with you, Kable? Kill something!

Gorge: What are you doing here? Who are you?
Geek Leader: Tech support.

Kable: Kid’s gonna get me killed.
Simon: Dude, I’m right here man. I can hear you.
Kable: Listen to me. I don’t know who’s behind it or why, but I was supposed to die tonight. Lucky for us, I can beat them, but not with you controlling me.
Simon: What the hell are you talking about?
Kable: Turn me loose, kid. You want to win? Turn me loose!