The Movie Mind

Movie Mind Says:  Wait for Cable (or not at all)

If You Like This You Should Watch:  Spelling Bee’s, Checkers, Old people crossing the street
Better Than:  Toss up between Valentine’s Day and Fool’s Gold for worst film of recent time
Worse Than:  The Movie Mind’s first film creation ever: a 12 minute VHS home video of me doing the Hulk-a-maniac workout when I was 8 years old

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Anne Hathaway, Julia Roberts, George Lopez, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx, Bradley Cooper

As if the “Hallmark Holiday” itself isn’t painful enough, there is a new reason to loathe Valentine’s Day. The reason is: Valentine’s Day (the movie). I want to make it clear that I don’t particularly hate the day (I can’t call it a holiday), I just merely take it for what it is: a well-constructed marketing concept by some fictitious flower/chocolate/greeting card conglomerate. I couldn’t have summed up the issues I have with Valentine’s Day (the day) better than how the heaping pile of on-screen garbage called Valentine’s Day (the movie) did it for me. When I tell you this movie was painful, unless you’ve been to Guantanamo Bay or endured Jack Bauer-type torture you can’t begin to understand what I mean. Aside from the obnoxious Valentine’s Day sentiments hurled nonstop at the audience, this was the worst piece of filmmaking and storytelling I have seen. At times it made Fool’s Gold look like an Oscar Best Picture winner.

I have to take credit/blame for seeing this movie because it was actually my idea to go with my wife on its opening weekend. I saw the cast and while slightly confused about how they would interact, I was intrigued. I wasn’t exactly expecting JFK, but I thought while it might have been small roles from each character, I figured they would give it a strong performance. Boy was I wrong. I could not pick out one mediocre-level performance in this ensemble cast. It’s as if these stars (I use that term very loosely) all happened to be given a free vacation together if they said a few lines and showed up on screen for a bit. I honestly felt like the entire cast sleep-walked through the film. On top of that, while Crash certainly inspired a new genre of filmmaking with the intertwining stories, a movie is not simply composed of 20 different stories that just happen to meet up in the end. It’s a seriously annoying trend that we are seeing more and more of, and Valentine’s Day brought out the worst case of it I’ve ever seen. This film would have been better off as 5 different episodes of a daytime soap opera. To prove my point: the only chuckles or crowd reactions I heard were from the teeny-boppers in the theater every time Taylor Swift was on-screen…I figured it was only a matter of time before some 16-year-old Abercrombie-looking vampire-dude made his appearance in the movie.

The storyline synopsis I will give you is short and generic because that’s what it felt like in the movie. “Guy” (either Ashton, Jamie Foxx, Hangover-guy, McDreamy, other Mc-something-or-other, and the rest) is in love, single or a Tiger Woods-esque cheater. He is pursuing, in a relationship, a player, or searching for “Girl” (Julia, Hathaway, Garner, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Rabbit, etc.). Everyone winds up with who they should be with. The end. There…I just saved you $10 and 2 hours of your life you will never get back. Oh but there’s just one thing…you have to keep up with these asinine and irrelevant storylines only to know exactly what is going to happen once it’s time to cover your face and sprint out of the theater. 

I would strongly recommend ballet tickets, couples therapy, or a combined dentist appointment for more fun, entertaining, and romantic options for you and your significant other. If this type of crap filmmaking is what we can expect in the future, I can’t wait for such bold originals as: Easter Sunday (an exciting mass and brunch) or St. Patrick’s Day (drunk Irishmen party then pass out). Ok, maybe that last one would be kind of funny. 
Submitted 2-19-10

Interesting Cameo Appearance:  This entire film was one giant cameo performance. Every single person in the movie put in nothing more than a show-your-face-on-screen for a quick buck performance.

Memorable Quotes:
Male Anchor: There you have it, folks. Young love. Full of promise, full of hope, ignorant of reality.

Franklin: Valentine’s day was a massacre in Chicago where lots of people were killed and they put a curse on the Chicago cubs.

Kelvin Moore: Listen, I’m a player. But I shut down my playerness from New Years to St. Patty’s Day just so I can avoid this day.

Reed Bennett: You don’t keep inklings to yourself! You share them! You’re like hey guy, I got an inkling you’re headed for a fall here! That’s what friends do, that’s common knowledge, it’s in the damn handbook!

Kara Monahan: My closest relationship is with my Blackberry, Thank God it vibrates!