Below is a list that has been in the works for quite some time now. It’s not something I just thought of and needed to put out there as a way to “vent”. Oh no, this is something that has been festering over the years and now that I have a forum to put it out there…you’d better believe I am going to take that opportunity. This list serves as a living testament to a group of people that should I ever run into would be on the recieving-end of a decleating haymaker courtesy of The Movie Mind! Enjoy the list, check back for updates (there are plenty of people who are dangerously close to earning a spot), and make sure you post who you think deserves to be on it!
25) Latrell Sprewell (NBA journeyman and welfare candidate)
On the List Because: Let’s see…he punched former coach P.J. Carlesimo in the face during a practice (no wait, I actually like him for that). How about that frightening scowl he makes where he sticks his chin out looks possessed (I could probably deal with that too.)? Oh yeah, that’s right: he turned down a $21 million contract and was insulted by it because he needs to “feed his family”. Well it’s a good think he didn’t accept that slap in the face, otherwise he may not have had to sell his $1.5 million yacht and his house may not have been foreclosed on. Look out for his next book co-written by MC Hammer, “Penthouse to the Outhouse”.
24) Johnny Damon (Yankees Outfielder formerly of the Boston Red Sox)
On the List Because: Possibly the dumbest baseball player, athlete, or human being I have ever heard speak. Not only that, he is the definition of a traitor by running to NY, the hated rival for so many years, just so they could pay him more money for him to waste on more speech classes. It was the most expensive shave and haircut the Yankees ever got.
23) David Hasselhoff (Current drunken fool and formerly Mitch Buchanon of Baywatch)
On the List Because: Has been reduced to a knock-off judge on a knock-off show that should be called America’s Got NO Talent, especially because people like The Hoff are judging. His is no longer famous for driving a talking car, or running on the beach, but instead for eating a piece of pizza on the floor while sh*t-faced. Way to keep shooting for the stars, Hoff.
22) JJ Reddick (Former Duke hoopster and current NBA pine-rider)
On the List Because: This list would not be complete without a Duke player on it, and you can say Reddick represents the entire Blue Devil nation of b-ball players. There is no team I enjoy seeing lose in heartbreaking fashion more than the Dukies and their preppy fans.
21) John Rocker (Flash in the pan pitcher for the Atlanta Braves)
On the List Because: Thanks to a fancy little invention called steroids, this dumb hick managed to get a podium to spew his racist, bigoted, comments and get black-balled from baseball. Actually, he got white-balled, as in, that little white ball with red seems that would keep getting slammed out of whatever zip code he pitched it from.
20) Khalid El Amin (former pot-smoking UCONN hoopster who thought he was better than he was and left early for the NBA only to have an abrupt end to his career)
On the List Because: Not a prolific icon by any means, but he was in the spotlight in college long enough to annoy people with his midget legs and shorts that looked like clam diggers. Every time I watched him shoot a 3 for UCONN I can still remember wanting to dislocate his jaw for him.
19) David Stern (NBA Commissioner)
On the List Because: Here is a stupendous idea: let’s hire a 4-foot tall, pasty, old-Jewish guy to run a league dominated by inner-city teenagers with a ton of ability and no rules. Could you possibly find a more mismatched authority figure or are you fine with dropping your kids off for the night at the Neverland Ranch too?
18) Tom Cruise (Grand-Master Flash / King of Funk of Scientology)
On the List Because: Criticisms omitted by Church of Scien-crazies.
17) Lou Holtz (Former Notre Dame Football Coach & current ESPN College Football Analyst)
On the List Because: It never ceases to amaze me how low the standards are at ESPN to become a talking head / analyst. The worst lisp (Lou would pronounce it, “lithp”) to grace the television since Dan Dierdorf, he makes Yosemite Sam sound like a prolific public speaker. How his players didn’t burst into laughter during his pregame speeches (gentlemen, we hathf to puth the ball up the field and thcore loths or touthdowns!) is beyond me.
16) Sidney Ponson (Current Yankees pitcher & former Baltimore Orioles pitcher)
On the List Because: The most polarizing figure on this list, sometimes I can’t tell if I want to slug him or shake his hand. This fat, miserable excuse for an athlete somehow manages to pull in $5-million contracts every year and throw up an ERA a shade under 7.00. Not to mention Sir Sid gets away with some thug-work himself, having decked a former judge in the Bahamas and still managed to retain his regal knighthood. Maybe it is more of a handshake and pat on the back.
15) Dan LeBetard (Sports Radio and TV Personality)
On the List Because: He manages to be mildly entertaining on certain occasions, but just as you are warming up to him you hear that omnipresent Dennis Miller-esque personality and tone come through. Dan, you are not smarter than us, nor do you actually know more about sports than we do. You just happen to get paid to be an annoying puppet on talk radio and nothing more.
14) Matthew McConaughey (Pathetic excuse of an actor, seen in such gems as Fool’s Gold and Sahara)
On the List Because: Ever so dreamy and at the same time repulsive. Every time I see his mug on the big screen I just want to stomp his face ala Ed Norton in American History X. Better yet, put him and his fake-ass Texan drawl on a football field in a helmet and let’s see just how big of a tough guy he is. I would love to Night Train-Lane his scruffy Neanderthal-head and separate it from his body.
13) Charlie Weiss (Notre Dame Football program destructor and former Patriots O-coordinator)
On the List Because: He represents every one of the Belichick “disciples” that I have come to grow and loathe. Just because you worked for the Pats and rode Tom Brady’s jockstrap to a few Super Bowls doesn’t crown you as the second-coming. As Charlie has shown, you might be more qualified to wreck one of college football most storied programs instead.
12) Alex Rodriguez (.279 career postseason hitter / payroll sieve and current Yankees Third-baseman)
On the List Because: Quite possibly the prissiest athlete ever to grace the earth. Yes, he has ridiculous talent at hitting a baseball. He also manages to alienate every person he comes across and choke whenever the situation becomes a little bit crucial. His lack of testicular fortitude will forever haunt him, just the same as that nasty case of Madonna-skivvies he will never shake.
11) Stuart Scott (Some guy that yells “Boo-Ya” over sports highlights on ESPN)
On the List Because: Every time I see him I just want to pop him in his “good eye” to make it match the albino one. Yeah, he took a football to the face sometime back in the day and subsequently lost all pigment in the eye. So what…you ever hear of colored contacts bro? How about you get your nose out of Chad Johnson’s jock long enough to find a decent rap song to rip off? It must be nice to be able to listen to Drew’s Party Mix Volume 61 in the morning and get your whole dialogue for the news that day.
10) Bill Belichick (New England Patriots Czar and Head Coach)
On the List Because: He is a very good football coach. But can we cut it out with all the genius-talk please? There has to be some kind of prerequisite for a genius that they cannot dress in the same ratty hooded sweatshirt every day of their life. And with all the designer drugs out there you’re telling me someone couldn’t just inject a personality into this guy? Mean, nice, funny, egotistical, mellow, whimsical…something please?
9) Ashton Kutcher (Baby-mama stealer and homewrecker & sometimes actor)
On the List Because: Congrats, dude. You found your car, and a MILF, and like play funny little hidden-camera pranks on people. Can you please go away now? Forever? And take your John Deere trucker-hat fad with you back to Dwight Schrute’s beet-farm.
8) Mel Kiper Jr. (ESPN Draft Expert)
On the List Because: Do we really care that Southwest Missouri A&M Junior State College has a backup long-snapper that runs a 4.74637839 40-yd dash and has a 33.23333 inch vertical jump? The answer, Mel, is NO. Then someone please explain to me how this turd made a lucrative career out of spending way bit too much time around college boys in locker-rooms?
7) Stephen A. Smith (Quite frankly, just an angry hater on ESPN)
On the List Because: Single handedly capable of turning the most random topic into a discussion about race. Everything to him is a black/white issue. ESPN is no better for giving him a forum to spew nonsense that does nothing more than make people defensive. Maybe before I deck him, I would have to ask the sports version of Rev. Al Sharpton, why are you so angry all the time?
6) Nick Saban (Alabama Head Coach; Formerly of the Miami Dolphins & LSU)
On the List Because: You could not draw up a more slimy, worm-like creature. He is equal parts used-car salesman, vacation club/timeshare sales person, con-man, and mafia turncoat. He’s the guy that would piss on you if you were not on fire, and then try to sell you an empty fire extinguisher when you were. He’s a despicable person that cannot possibly experience enough failure in this lifetime to make amends with his prior choices.
5) Tailor Made (Sniveling little pansy from I Love New York 2)
On the List Because: I guess it is my fault for ever watching this life-stealing waste of time, but I got hooked and couldn’t get out. I was dying for someone to really cave in his face, not just the staged little shove he got from Buddha. He has no shame and managed to come through as a guy who would wear women’s panties and get whipped if he was asked to by New York.
4) Dane Cook (Ummmm…not real sure why he’s famous)
On the List Because: Is it possible to find a less humorous comedian? Dane Cook making a living by attempting to make people laugh is like Lou Pinella becoming an anger management counselor or Jeffery Dahmer entering the priesthood. I knew at least 2 dozen class-clowns that were 10 times as funny as Cook, yet he ends up touring the country doing standup. He must have held his routine at screenings of Fool’s Gold since only those tarts who found that crap-fest entertaining could possibly laugh at his routine.
3) Dennis Miller (Bearded highbrow humorist)
On the List Because: Smug, smarmy, elitist, and just downright annoying. I went a year without watching one game of Monday Night Football thanks to his existentialist rants in the middle of LaDanian Tomlinson breaking off a 55-yard run to pay-dirt. Unlike Walt Frasier, he does not have the charm to rattle off SAT-caliber words in the middle of a sporting event and expect us to stay tuned.
2) Jim Grey (NBC Announcer)
On the List Because: Doesn’t he just look like the guy you see on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator? Even if he isn’t, he still acts like one of those guys anytime there is a microphone in his hand. He is the only man ever to make me feel sorry for Pete Rose (his All-Star game interview was classic). I cringe anytime I see him conduct an interview and can’t stop hoping someone breaks his nose on live TV one day.
1) Skip Bayless (ESPN2’s 1st and 10)
On the List Because: There is not a more miserable man on the face of the earth. He must forget that every day he gets to wake up and go on Crap-Pizza 4th & Goal on ESPN 8: The Ocho, to spew nonsensical musings about Terrell “Team Obliterator” Owens and actually receive a paycheck for doing so. If you ever wanted to be a talking-head sports “personality”, Skip reminds us all that it is possible…personality optional.