Chuck NorrisIn deference to the most recent superhuman accomplishment by Michael Phelps (if you don’t care that the dude won 8 gold medals or think he cheated you are stone-cold jealous), here are some of the latest Michael Phelps jokes. While I am well aware that this all started with the great Chuck Norris, I tried to filter out some of the recycled ones that just replaced Norris with Phelps. Yet, there still are some new Phelps ones are pretty funny. But just as measure of respect to Mr. Norris, I have included some of his best ones at the end. I’ll let you be the one to decide who comes out on top. After all, I don’t want to face the wrath of a guy that when he does push-ups he doesn’t lift himself up, he pushes the earth down!

Michael Phelps- When Michael Phelps jumps into the water he doesn’t get wet…the water get Michael Phelps’ed.
- The Surgeon General recommends drinking 8 glasses of Michael Phelps per day can be good for your health.
- If Michael Phelps has 12 Olympic gold medals and you have 12 Olympic gold medals. Phelps has more gold medals then you.
- Michael Phelps doesn’t swim he wins.
- Michael Phelps found Nemo.
- Michael Phelps can swim up Mt. Everest.
- The earth is 70.8 % covered in water. So Michael Phelps owns 70.8 % of the earth.
- After the 8th of August 2008 the Loch Ness monster wasn’t reported by anyone anymore, coincidence or not?
- Michael Phelps cashed his plane ticket in and swam Butterfly to the Olympics.
- Michael Phelps arrived in China riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
- Michael Phelps craps out Energizer batteries.
- Michael Phelps doesn’t have a condo in Ann Arbor, he has a cave in the Atlantic.
- Michael Phelps doesn’t reach out for touch pads…touch pads reach for Michael Phelps.Michael Phelps 2
- Michael Phelps only swims through the water because he considers walking on top of it too pretentious
- The First rule of Michael Phelps is: you do not talk about Michael Phelps.
- Michael Phelps’ pulse is measured on the Richter Scale.
- Fertile females are not allowed in the pool after Phelps until the water has been boiled for twenty minutes.
- Michael Phelps once saved a fish from drowning.
- Michael Phelps doesn’t need an umbrella when it rains- the rain knows better.
- Michael Phelps doesn’t swim through the water… the water swims around him.
- Michael Phelps isn’t half a dolphin, dolphins are half Michael Phelps.
- Water doesn’t even have an ass, but Michael Phelps still somehow kicks it.
- Michael Phelps is God’s way of apologizing for Fred Phelps.

Chuck Norris 2- Chuck Norris clogs the toilet…even when he pisses.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
- Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
- Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
- If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t wear Superman pajamas…Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- There is no CTRL Button on Chuck Norris’ Keyboard, because he is always in control.
- Chuck Norris is capable of eating just ONE Lay’s potato chip.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris can count to infinity…twice.
- Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
- Chuck Norris can be divided by zero.
- Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
- Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
- Chuck Norris Isn’t funny, stop laughing.


  1. chuck norris once killed a turkey with his bare hands, ate it whole, and threw up a complete thanksgiving dinner

  2. Some of these jokes are cracking me up…ha ha. I will be using some of these on people.

    Apparently, Van Damme is the new Chuck, and even better. I think Chuck would kick his ass.

  3. Hi, gr8 post thanks for posting. Information is useful!

  4. I think the chuck norris jokes are the best. I just don’t think Michael Phelps should be added into the picture.

  5. On video named “Gutsman’s Ass is everywhere” at 0:23
    I see chuck norris got scared of something(Not the ASS!)

  6. Here are some I made up:Einstein told Chuck Norris his round house kick could not break the speed of light. Chuck Norris rebuttal by round house kikicng him from the Future.Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in surgery, he believes in rounds house kicks to the face.Satellite images of Chuck Norris started the war in Iraq.Tiger Woods imitates his swing after Chuck Norris’ round house kick.Chuck Norris walks on water because the water is scared of Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris killed a shark when he told it to not breath.When a man farts, the fart scurries back into the man and the man explodes because Chuck Norris doesn’t like stink.

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