Bill WaltonAre you like The Movie Mind? I used to avoid watching an NBA game if Bill Walton was doing the commentary. I loathed him to a point that I did not think I was capable of. I would literally watch a game on mute instead of having to listen to his incessant ramblings that made me think he must have been tripping on ‘shrooms when he said it. Then, a funny thing happened: I learned to embrace it. I started actually listening to the things he said and treating them like a bad rewrite of another Airplane sequel. I eventually found him hilarious and watching a game without Bill Walton’s commentary just did not feel the same. This list is a tribute to those famous “Walton-isms” as a way for The Movie Mind to make amends with him. Thank you, Bill, for these classic little nuggets that speak so much more than just about the game of basketball.

This list has been compiled over some time and is intended to serve as the “Unofficial-Official Database of Bill Walton Quotes.” As comments are added and more quotes occur, the list will be continually updated. Your search for commentarial bliss has ended here…courtesy of The Movie Mind!

-   “Shaq’s arrogance is an insult to people who think.”
-   “Why is Scottie Pippen taking a charge? Taking a charge is for people with no game!”
-   “At 49, I can say something I never would have said when I was a player, that I’m a better person because of my failures and disgraces.”
-   “Growing up, my parents were very, very strict. And then I went to UCLA with John Wooden, who was just off the charts.”
-   “Tracy McGrady is doing things we’ve never seen from anybody – from any planet!”
-   “Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It’s up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.”
-   “John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!”
-   “Show some respect to this living legend, this hall of famer…Arvydas Sabonis.”
-   “The only way Danny Schayes is getting into the hall of fame is if he pays the $5.99 admission fee.”
-   “When I think of Boris Diaw, I think of Beethoven in the age of the romantics.”
-   “If Eric Piatkowski continues playing at this level, he’s going to replace Jerry West on the NBA logo.”
-   “That was one of the worst passes I’ve ever seen, and certainly the worst pass in the history of the San Antonio Spurs.”
-   “Cuttino Mobley has just made the two worst shot attempts in the history of this proud Houston Rockets franchise.”
-   “I told Luke, you’re young, you’re rich, and you’re living in Beverly Hills. If you’re not having the time of your life right now, I have failed you as a father.”
-   “Amare Stoudamire! Winner of the genetic lottery!”
-   “Come on, that was no foul! It may be a violation of all the basic rules of human decency, but it’s not a foul.”
-   “Yesterday we celebrated Sir Isaac Newton’s discovery of gravity, today, Fabricio Oberto is defying it.”
-   “I’m mainstream. Always have been.”
-   On Rasheed Wallace: “He’s like a four-armed Dikembe Mutombo around the basket!”
-   “But you have to understand, my beard is so nasty. I mean, it’s the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan’s beard look good.”
-   Exchange between Bill and Snapper Jones: “That’s a terrible defensive effort by Robert Horry.  He didn’t even make it difficult for Rasheed Wallace to score.”  Snapper: “Well, what do you expect?  Earlier you said that Wallace could be one of the best players in the game, and now you want Robert Horry to guard him one-on-one?”  Bill: “No, I said that Rasheed could be the best player in the game.”
-   Exchange between Bill and Tom Hammond: “John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!” Tom:  “Wow, that’s a pretty strong statement. I guess I don’t have a good handle on world history.” Bill: “Well Tom, that’s because you didn’t go to UCLA.”
-   “Patrick Ewing used to be much better in every aspect of the game.”
-   “Tonight the Spurs look to extend their lead to 3-0 over the Lakers.  This time, however, they will have to do it on the Lakers’ home court.  Duncan and Shaq have been magnificent for both teams, but so far the edge has gone to San Antonio.  However, the real story line that awaits us tonight in Los Angeles is whether or not Kobe Bryant will actually throw a pass!”
-   “Oh my, Kobe is really putting on a show out there. He’s making Ray Allen look like a sixth grader!”
-   “Save some for later?  Balderdash…this is the playoffs!”
-   On Larry Johnson’s lackluster performance in the NBA Finals: “What a pathetic performance by this sad human being.  This is a disgrace to the game of basketball and to the NBA. He played like a disgrace tonight. And he deserved it.”
-   More Larry Johnson railing: “Why would the Pacers ever double-team Larry Johnson? He wants to be double-teamed so he can pass. Why is Indiana double-teaming a man who only scores 8 points a game?”
-   “Memo to Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker: Couldn’t you wait until at least the All-Star break to have the franchise suffer its worse loss in its storied history?  Bill Russell just called looking for an address to send his 11 championship rings back to the Celtics because he is so disappointed.”
-   “This Portland team is nothing more than a band of pranksters.”
-   On Kevin Garnett: “He’s been working out in the off-season, on that incredible computer generated body he has.”
-   On Rasheed Wallace: “The only thing he is worth is another team’s mistake.  This guy has ruined every situation he has been in.  This is a classic underachiever.”
-   After Brent Musberger teased him about his criticism of Rasheed Wallace.”Not a critic, just a reporter of facts.”
-   “Hey i’m for anything that keeps Charlie Ward out the game”
-   “Oylden Polynice, make a layup pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssseee!”
-   “The only man who can stop Cliff Robinson is Cliff Robinson. The man is unstoppable even at 38.”
-   “Shaq makes everyone else in the league look like Michel Tafoya.”
-   Walton: “That has to be a foul.”  Snapper: “Against who?”  Walton: “Against the game of basketball.”
-   “If they ever get this cloning thing right, we can only hope they duplicate the good guys. The last thing we need are more Shawn Bradley’s and Michael Olowokandi’s. Or more people with the attitude of Gary Payton or the confusion of George Karl.”
-   “You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him.”
-   “The art of tossing up the jump ball has really declined. These officials need to spend more time practicing in off-season.”

20 Comments

  1. I miss Snapper slapping down Walton’s periodic assinine comments. I would respect Bill’s opinions more if he didn’t contradict himself and mention Western civilization so often.

  2. Walton, after Shawn Bradley missed an easy layup under the hoop: “Shawn Bradley, you’re 8 feet tall, throw it down big fellow.”

    Walton, after Avery Johnson left San Antonio to play on the Mavericks and was owning the Spurs one night: “Some one tell the Spurs Avery Johnson is left-handed.”

    Walton, after the Knicks were defeated by 45 points by the Celtics this past season: “A new low for the New York Knicks.”

    Walton, after the Pistons-Pacers Brawl, “This is a disgrace.”

  3. It is So hard to pick just one…I was laughing out loud as I read (and remembered) them all. This guy is hysterical. Here is my favorite for the moment:

    “Come on, that was no foul! It may be a violation of all the basic rules of human decency, but it’s not a foul.”

  4. The best post i have ever read. Bill Walton is the most egregious commentator in the history of western civilization.

    “Kevin Garnett is what you would call a reluctant shooter, wouldnt you say Marv?” -Bill
    “I would agree with you, but Bill, KG has taken more shots than the rest of the T-wolves combined.” -Marv

    “Rudy T. is not in the NBA Hall of Fame, but he is in the Hall of Fame of Life.”

    “Come on, play defense. Enough with this flopping, play the game the way its supposed to be played, you are only hurting the credibility of the game, shame on you Vlade, you know better.”

  5. Movie Mind, you’re a genius. This is a great post that was quickly passed along to all my friends. I miss Walton in the finals- luckily ABC cuts to him in the crowd from time to time.

  6. In reference to former Dallas Mavericks center Shawn Bradley: “Throw it down, Shawn! Throw it down!”

  7. In the 1996 Finals, confused at Seattle’S tactics against the Bulls defense, Bill implored the Sonics to “go one on one with Payton, go one on one with Kemp… do NOT… go one on one with ASKEW!!!”

  8. Bill: “Could Vlade Divac be the best shot-blocker in all of basketball?!”

    other commentator (don’t remember who): Oh, absolutely not!”

  9. Bill: “Robert Horry – one of the great defenders of the modern era”
    Tom: “Actually, there are three players on the floor who are better defenders than Horry. Duncan is better, Kobe is better and Bowen is better.”
    Bill: “Bruce Bowen is NOT a better defender than the great Robert Horry!!”

  10. on Ray Allen’s shooting form: “Flawless… like Yosemite Falls coming right through the rim”

  11. From WEEI…

    On oft-injured Portland center Greg Oden:

    He should move to Hawaii, lose a ton of weight and start all over… become a yoga master

    On former Pistons Bill Laimbeer, Rick Mahorn and Dennis Rodman:

    They just made those decisions. That they were going to break all the rules of human decency.

    After Doc Rivers argued a call:

    Doc Rivers making sizable contributions to our website, ilovetherefs.org

    On Ray Allen’s shooting form:

    Flawless … like Yosemite Falls coming right through the rim

    After pleading for Kevin Garnett to come back in the game, Walton seemed almost sad that Semih Erden was checking in instead.

    Semih’s not as good as KG

    After the camera caught Garnett in the middle of his pregame ritual where he bangs his head against the basket stanchion:

    Kevin Garnett, working on his repetitive head injuries

    On Portland center Joel Pryzbilla:

    Pryzbilla does what he does best… violate the rules.

  12. His commenting was so terrible and goofy that it literally erased Bill Walton’s basketball career from NBA history. He was one of the best players of all time, and nobody remembers it at all. All they know is that he screwed up games with head scratching comments and goofy outfits.

  13. WaLton is freakin halarious, he tells it like it is, with a a little off the wall stuff.

    Walton…..with guys like tyrone lue on your team, no wonder the magic are not winning games

  14. Bill Walton is the greatest commentator ever.

    After a blown call from a referee, Bill – “The continual deterioration of officiating in the NBA is…one of the great American tragedies”.

  15. Walton actually Attended 1 class while at UCLA — History of Western Civilization!:)

  16. One time he said:

    “Samuel Dalembert should think about starting his own religion.”

    This was Dalembert made a basket.

  17. Commenting on tired players in the NBA…”The lack of V8 juice consumed in this league is appalling!”

  18. Why is the Sabonis one funny? Sabonis was a living legend and did become a HOF’er.

    I loved Walton doing the FIBA Tournament of the Americas. He talked about politics, history, poetry, world events … but very seldom basketball. Tour de force, makes the weird stuff he is doing now look tame. I guess no one was watching.

    I loved once when he was doing a Wizards game and Tyronn Lue shot an airball on a layup, he said “If ONLY Larry Hughes could have recognized that magnificent alley oop pass from Tyronn Lue.” The entire play was awkward and Hughes was at no angle to receive a pass and score. His sarcasm is killer, deadpan, like a basketball Bill Murray.

  19. He just dropped a bit of gold in U of A vs Colorado

    “The Buffaloes can’t find anything to eat, here in the desert . . .”

3 Trackbacks

  1. By UFC 87: Seek and Destroy on August 11, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    [...] acting like every single fight is the greatest match in the world. You are starting to sound like Bill Walton only a lot less entertaining and much more annoying. (ie. When I think of Boris Diaw, I think of [...]

  2. [...] I have grown to be a HUGE fan of his. Some of the stuff he says is just brilliant comedy. Check this site out for a list of some of his best [...]

  3. [...] Of course not. [...]

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