Movie Mind Says: Wait for Cable (or don’t wait at all)
If You Like This You Should Watch: My Boss’s Daughter, Intolerable Cruelty
Better Than: Just Married
Worse Than: Fools Rush In, Laws of Attraction
Starring: Cameron Diaz, Ashton Kutcher, Rob Corddry
It never ceases to amaze me what kind of crap is allowed to be produced. Even more astonishing is the audacity of the studios to actually market this garbage. I am calling for a boycott of any network that actually ran the trailer of this poor excuse for a movie. I guess there is nobody to blame but myself for actually driving to go and see this disaster, so in a way I shouldn’t take my anger out on the Hollywood drones who should be fired for letting this make its way to theaters. Call it willful torture or something of that nature, but only a certain level of film could make me want to stop watching movies altogether.
I never thought it was possible, but even Las Vegas must have found something to be ashamed of. I can just see Mayor Oscar Goodman (former high-priced attorney for big-time mobsters) walking out of the local Cineplex after viewing What Happens in Vegas with a showgirl on each arm muttering, “What is this world coming to?”
Kutcher does something akin to acting, as bachelor Jack Fuller, a loser-slacker that just got fired by his boss that also happens to be his father. Cameron Diaz is at the other end of the spectrum, a career-woman on track for a wedding and 2.5 kids. Only she gets dumped in one of the only mildly painless scenes in the entire film. So what does anyone do in their respective situations…go to Vegas of course!! In what seemed like a bad commercial for the “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” campaign, I found myself only wishing that this entire film, cast and writers would have paid closer attention to that decree. That way, we would never have been subjected to characters and acting so shallow they make Keanu Reeves in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure look like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote.
These two slap happy drones get hammered in Vegas and wind up getting hitched. Before you roll over in side-splitting laughter at this breakthrough in originality, let me tell you that it’s not even as interesting as Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra’s real-life version. Before going their separate ways on the fast-track to annulment, they end up winning a huge slot-machine jackpot. Smarty judge Dennis Miller forces them to undergo six months of marriage counseling to try and make it work before they are granted the divorce and even split of the $3 million. These two manage to treat that as the death penalty when Diaz is forced to move into Kutcher’s stank-ass apartment. On a side note, let me offer that even if this film managed to be a masterpiece in disguise, the sheer presence of Dennis Miller would have still kept it in the bowels of The Movie Mind’s ratings. Next to announcer Joe Buck, there is no single other creature on this planet whose voice makes me violently vomit and want to run off a short cliff. It wasn’t that long ago that he single-handedly made me hate football. Just the fact that he was associated with any type of NFL broadcast was enough to make me spurn the sport I love.
As if on cue, a not so funny thing starts to happen as the film progresses. Amidst all the lame girl-moves-in-with-slob-boy jokes, they start liking each other. Ashton starts liking her, she starts liking him, and finally I was able to get the hell out of the theater.
I’m not sure which part was worse, the dull humor or annoying attempt at sappiness. I at least know that the most painful part was having to listen to Kutcher’s character whine, “You bet on me” in a pathetic attempt to win Diaz’s heart. To call this a romantic comedy is to say that The Piano was funny and Anchorman was a moving drama. Cameron Diaz has transitioned from being that lovable model-woman in There’s Something About Mary to borderline repulsive in her craft and presence. Kutcher still manages to meander along and get paid big sums of money for performances that can’t even match his acting chops on Punk’d. Horrible acting, a putrid script, and just plain terrible filmmaking, combine to make this the perfect storm of horrible movies.
Interesting Cameo Appearance: Treat Williams (huge Hollywood star who apparently was let out of his contractual obligation to begin filming for The Subsitute: Almost Tenured for this gem) as Kutcher’s hard-line father and boss, Jack Fuller Sr.
Joy McNally: What’s mine is yours baby!
Jack Fuller: Yeah, this is happening. Oh by the way, it’s your turn to do the dishes.
Hater: I’m the law, bitch!
Jack Fuller: How hard can it be?
Joy McNally: I know how hard it isn’t.
Jack Fuller: …We got robbed. All they took was the door.
Jack Fuller Sr.: You’re like a son to me.
Jack Fuller: Dad, I am your son.
Jack Fuller: Richard Banger? So your name is Dick Banger! Dick Banger!
Banger: And yours is Jack? Jack off! Jack off!
Tipper: I just wanna junk-punch him in his man business.
Joy McNally: The topping I wanted on my popcorn. I know the box said it’s movie theater butter, but you guessed it. What I really want is sweaty Jack’s balls flavour.
Jack Fuller: I’m just giving you what you want, baby.
Tipper: If I could kill someone with my mind right now, it would be you.
Judge R. D. Whopper: …Listen, I’ve been married for twenty five years to the same wonderful, infuriating woman. And granted there are days when I want to light her on fire but I don’t, because I love her. And that would be illegal. And you know something, and I might be old fashioned but when I said those vows, I meant them.
Joy McNally: Is there any part of the night, I don’t know, maybe say the part where I was about to marry the rebound guy, that you thought, ‘hey oh my God, this is a really good time for an intervention’?
Joy McNally: Yeah.
Tipper: I like… threw up in my own purse… so…
Joy McNally: The grown-ups have to go to work today… What are you going to do all day?
Jack Fuller: I don’t know yet
Joy McNally: Hmph.
Jack Fuller: I’d rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don’t love.
Joy McNally: Words to live by, Yanni.
Hater: I can have a vial of crabs here in 30 minutes.