When you are an NFL team, there is so much detailed research and analysis that go into selecting a college player in the annual draft that it can become overwhelming. This guy is too small; this guy too slow; this guy is big and fast but didn’t produce as well as another guy that’s slower and smaller…the more you study it the more of a headache you can give yourself. So The Movie Mind decided to take on this burden for his readers. The Movie Mind has the perfect way to show that his NFL talent evaluation process is second to none…no offense to Mel Kiper Jr., of course. This would be a good time to pay homage to the unforgettable sound-byte from Colts GM Bill Tobin, where he responded to Mel’s criticism of thier first round pick in 1994 by saying, “Who the hell is Mel Kiper? My mailman knows more about the draft than he does.” This Mock Draft will consist of real NFL teams and how they would draft from the pool of movie-football players in the upcoming 2008 NFL Draft.
Criteria: The pool of players consists of any character from a movie with football as the main component in the plot. Characters that were based on real-life players are NOT draft-eligible. They will be forced to remain in movie-world amateur-football until the end of time. Much like the real NFL Draft, some positions have great depth and some do not. Each team’s positional needs will be addressed according to their glaring weaknesses from the 2007 season.
Selection to this team is based on a combination of the character’s “movie” ability (how talented the character is within context of the film), as well as the actor’s ability to represent a true football player. The formula for this combination has been concocted in The Movie Mind, and as always may not be revealed. There will be explanations for the selection of each player and why he fits into the future of the team that drafted him.
This team includes all movies through March 2008. Without further ado…Mr. Commissioner:
“The Miami Dolphins are on the clock.”
MOCK NFL MOVIE DRAFT
Pick #1: With the first selection, in the 2008 Mock Football Movie NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select…
Bud-Lite Kaminski (Abraham Benrubi), OL – The Program. With Parcells looking to build the franchise from the trenches, the Fins are thrilled to take the top O-Line prospect in the draft. Kaminski is a throwback lineman, a massive figure with above-average footwork to boot. He has managed to stay injury-free in his career, partially due to his moonlighting as an ER nurse. Most pundits call him a dead-ringer for “that guy from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” and others question his laid back “yippee-kay-yi-yay, get along little doggie” style as too soft for the NFL.
Draft Comparison: Jake Long, OL – Michigan
Upside Potential: Tony Boselli
Downside Scare: Aaron Gibson
Pick #2: [St. Louis Rams] Steve Lattimer (Andrew Bryniarski), DL – The Program.
The Rams manage to get the premier stud in the D-Line crop in Lattimer. He has an NFL physique, although it comes with some high speculation of performance enhancing drugs. He has a high motor and is a freak in the weight-room, although critics say his toughness took a hit after giving up the final TD on a goaline stand in his last game. None of the concerns were enough to sway the Rams who need him to step up right away as a starter and leave behind a better legacy than a fellow Rams DE of questionable character (see: Leonard Little).
Draft Comparison: Chris Long, DE – Virginia
Upside Potential: Mark Gastineau
Downside Scare: Mike Mamula
Pick #3: [Atlanta Falcons] Frank Cushman (Jerry O’Connell), QB – Jerry Maguire.
The Falcons show their lack of faith in Joey Harrington by taking their QB of the future. Question marks surround Cushman but most notably in the area of getting him signed. He has changed agents in the draft process and shown a general lack of respect for dealing with teams. While he claimed he would either “surf or ski” when asked about where he would like to play, he’ll be doing neither and had better get focused on erasing the pent-up frustration in Atlanta still left over from the Mike Vick saga.
Draft Comparison: Matt Ryan, QB – Boston College
Upside Potential: Carson Palmer
Downside Scare: Ryan Leaf
Pick #4: [Oakland Raiders] Julian Washington (LL Cool J), RB – Any Given Sunday.
In typical Raiders fashion, they address none of their needs but wind up falling into the steal of the draft. Washington is a big, strong, punishing back with breakaway speed. He does have some issues in his past and can be viewed as somewhat of a “prima-dona”, but that just means he’ll fit right in with the Raiders lockeroom.
Draft Comparison: Darren McFadden, RB – Arkansas
Upside Potential: Larry Johnson
Downside Scare: Curtis Enis
Pick #5: [Kansas City Chiefs] Switowski (Bob Sapp), DL – The Longest Yard.
After burning two of their top-three picks in the 2007 draft on D-Lineman, KC takes yet another gamble in order to bolster that unit that had very minimal improvement over the course last season. Assuming they keep Jared Allen and Sapp pans out as expected, it could easily become one of the toughest D-Lines in the league. Sapp is a human anomaly with his size and athleticism, but he does sort of fit the bill of “looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane”. KC’s biggest problem is that unless they plan on holding teams to 3-points every week, they still can’t put up any points.
Draft Comparison: Glenn Dorsey, DL – LSU
Upside Potential: Warren Sapp
Downside Scare: Ryan Sims
Pick #6: [NY Jets] Luther “Shark” Lavay (Lawrence Taylor), LB – Any Given Sunday.
The Jets are thrilled about this pick as they look to fill the hole left when Jonathan Vilma bolted this offseason. Lavay has the ability and potential to “redefine” the DE/OLB position and will step right in to this D and make a huge impact. There are concerns about some heavy drug-use in his past, but it is too much natural ability to pass up.
Draft Comparison: Vernon Gholston, LB – Ohio State
Upside Potential: Shawne Merriman
Downside Scare: Courtney Brown
Pick #7: [NE Patriots] Bobby Boucher Jr. (Adam Sandler), LB – The Waterboy.
This Boucher kid has definitely got a screw loose, or possibly more than one. That has propelled him to be a sideline-to-sideline “high-motor” guy at college who single-handedly resurrected the worst football program in America. If he can channel that at the next level his potential is limitless. The trouble is that some worry about his level of competition and that his head may just explode at any point during a game. It’s still a worthwhile pick for the aging Pats.
Draft Comparison: Keith Rivers, LB – USC
Upside Potential: Lofa Tatupu
Downside Scare: Brian Bosworth
Pick #8: [Baltimore Ravens] Cap Rooney (Dennis Quaid), QB – Any Given Sunday.
With Steve McNair hanging up his cleats there needs to be a QB of the future and unfortunately Kyle Boller has proved it is not him. Rooney is the ‘safe’ pick here, even though some are more blunt and call him boring. Average arm, average footwork, and a strong possibility that he is merely a product of the system he ran, this could turn out to be a genius pick or a complete bust.
Draft Comparison: Brian Brohm, QB – Louisville
Upside Potential: Matt Hasselbeck
Downside Scare: Todd Marinovich
Pick #9: [Cincinnati Bengals] Battle (Bill Goldberg), DL – The Longest Yard.
The Bengals push for drafting “character” guys goes out the window by the first round as they decide to draft a guy who has already spent a lot of time in the place most of their guys wind up in the offseason anyway. Some say Battle knew Chris Henry in the joint, which is how he flew up so high on Cincy’s radar. The guy is a monster who is not afraid to use jailyard tactics in the game. Hey, why not get some benefit out of the criminals that usually wind up on their roster anyway?
Draft Comparison: Sedrick Ellis, DL – USC
Upside Potential: Chris Hovan
Downside Scare: Dan Wilkinson
Pick #10: [New Orleans Saints] Daniel Bateman (Jon Favreau), LB – The Replacements.
A big surprise in the first round which some may call a huge reach. N’awlins clearly needed to go the route of defense, and with a very thin (or nonexistent) Cornerback class, they opt instead for a tough, high-energy linebacker. Even though he is undersized and somewhat slow, he is still money and doesn’t even know it.
Draft Comparison: Jordan Dizon, LB – Colorado
Upside Potential: Zach Thomas
Downside Scare: Andy Katzenmoyer
Pick #11: [Buffalo Bills] Deacon Moss (Michael Irvin), WR – The Longest Yard.
A clear-cut impact wide receiver, Buffalo needs to be extremely wary of a drug-riddled past. He has HOF talent but could easily get run out of Goodell’s No-Fun-League in a heartbeat. Buffalo fans get the pleasure of witnessing the million-dollar speed he possesses, but unfortunately may get an even clearer picture of that ten-cent head of his.
Draft Comparison: Malcolm Kelly, WR – Oklahoma
Upside Potential: Braylon Edwards
Downside Scare: Charles Rogers
Pick #12: [Denver Broncos] Wendell Brown (Eliel Swinton), RB – Varsity Blues.
Brown is a solid all-around runner who will fit the Broncos scheme perfectly. His quick cuts and straight-ahead running style pushes him past some other great RB’s in a deep draft class. Now let’s just see if Mike Shanahan decides to give him the ball at the goaline or will he call Cutler’s number instead.
Draft Comparison: Jonathan Stewart, RB – Oregon
Upside Potential: Steven Jackson
Downside Scare: J.J. Arrington
Pick #13: [Carolina Panthers] Andre Krimm (Sinbad), OL – Necessary Roughness.
Krimm is a big dude who scouts say has an even bigger sense of humor. Now I’m not saying he’s all that funny, but scouts love his even-keeled demeanor and level head. He’ll need to find a bit more of a nasty streak at the next level to make an impact though. Either way Carolina is better off than they were before selecting Krimm.
Draft Comparison: Ryan Clady, OL – Boise State
Upside Potential: Chris Samuels
Downside Scare: Robert Gallery
Pick #14: [Chicago Bears] Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps), RB – The Program.
After enduring last season with Cedric Benson who showed he is not the answer at RB, the Bears decide to upgrade that spot with Jefferson, a big-time talent from a big-time program. He’s got plenty of moxy to go along with his game so it should be interesting to watch him clash with the incumbent, Benson. One would think it may go something like this: Benson: “Hi. I’m Cedric Benson, tailback.” Jefferson: “The pleasure is all yours. I’m Darnell Jefferson, starting tailback.”
Draft Comparison: Rashard Mendenhall, RB – Illinois
Upside Potential: Warrick Dunn
Downside Scare: Ki-Jana Carter
Pick #15: [Detroit Lions] Greg Meaney (Todd Holland), LB – The Waterboy.
Meaney is more formidable than just his namesake and even flashed some two-way potential in college. He should help put the ‘D’ back in Etroit and give that side of the ball a little more attitude.
Draft Comparison: Dan Connor, LB – Penn State
Upside Potential: Rob Morris
Downside Scare: David Pollack
Pick #16: [Arizona Cardinals] Earl Wilkinson/Ray Smith (Michael Jace), RB – The Replacements.
This dude is a flat-out beast, but it is never a good sign when your draftee already has an “alias”. He can also play a little LB which is another need for the Cards, but he certainly gives Matt Leinart another weapon and will eventually take over for the old and decrepit Edgerrin James. Added bonus: Wilkinson/Smith can also serve as Leinart’s bodyguard at college frat-parties throughout the year.
Draft Comparison: Felix Jones, RB – Arkansas
Upside Potential: Adrian Peterson
Downside Scare: Lawrence Phillips
Pick #17: [Minnesota Vikings] James Alexander “Jimmy” Dix (Damon Wayans), QB – The Last Boyscout.
The Vikings show no faith in Tarvaris Jackson as the future at QB by drafting Dix. It is no secret the issues he carries with him to the NFL and some wonder if he will ever get to take a snap. He is a talent but nonetheless a huge reach and gamble here at pick #17. So much for the Vikes trying to erase the “sex-boat” scandal of a few years back. Dix will make that affair look like a family picnic when he’s through here.
Draft Comparison: Andre Woodson, QB – Kentucky
Upside Potential: Donovan McNabb
Downside Scare: Quincy Carter
Pick #18: [Houston Texans] Manumana (Peter Nay Tuiasosopo), OL – Necessary Roughness.
A versatile player on the O-Line, the Samorai will be asked to shore up a unit that still allowed Matt Schaub to be planted on his back way too much. He should be able to step right in and play along any one of the spots. He has showed incredible loyalty to teammates during his collegiate career, even serving as the enforcer for the kicker!
Draft Comparison: Branden Albert, OL – Virginia
Upside Potential: Kevin Mawae
Downside Scare: Toniu Fonoti
Pick #19: [Philadelphia Eagles] O.W. Shaddock (John Matuszack), OL/DL – North Dallas Forty.
An absolute beast that can play both sides of the line, the Eagles will love his versatility and potentially utilize him as a throwback two-way player. There has been some talk about performance enhancing drug-use in his past so testing might be a concern. If it is all natural, his freakish strength that got him into the Strongman Competition will pose huge threat for opponents on both sides of the ball.
Draft Comparison: Jeff Otah, OL – Pittsburgh
Upside Potential: Lyle Alzado
Downside Scare: Tony Madarich
Pick #20: [TB Buccaneers] Featherstone (Duane Davis), WR – Necessary Roughness.
A pure speed guy who has trouble catching the easiest of throws, Featherstone stays true to his namesake by running like a feather and having hands of stone. TB will use him to stretch the outside and open up the running game and underneath stuff. It is only a matter of time, however, until teams realize that he couldn’t catch an STD in a Taiwanese brothel with a fist-full of fifties.
Draft Comparison: DeSean Jackson, WR – California
Upside Potential: Laveraneus Coles
Downside Scare: Freddie Mitchell
Pick #21: [Washington Redskins] Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding, Jr.), WR – Jerry Maguire.
The Skins go with another midget to compliment their smurf-like colony of wide receivers. Tidwell is a talent who recently has shown the ability to go over the middle for the tough catch after avoiding the middle his entire career. Some are down on his diva-like high-maintenance and constant talk about showing him the money. No worries about that part from Daniel Snyder who will throw benjamins at anyone who asks, which makes these two a perfect fit. Maybe it’s more like they deserve each other.
Draft Comparison: Mario Manningham, WR – Michigan
Upside Potential: Santana Moss
Downside Scare: Antwaan Randle El
Pick #22: [Dallas Cowboys] Jimmy Sanderson (Bill Bellamy), WR – Any Given Sunday.
Sanderson is a tall lanky guy who can run and will pose a nice threat opposite of TO. There are question marks about his dedication to the game due to his passion for the music industry, but hey, at least he has a good role model in T-Oh….sh*t.
Draft Comparison: Limas Sweed, WR – Texas
Upside Potential: Keyshawn Johnson
Downside Scare: Rashaun Woods
Pick #23: [Pittsburgh Steelers] Billy Bob (Ron Lester), OL – Varsity Blues.
Billy Bob has been groomed to be an offensive lineman since birth, and his physique tells the same tale. He is just plain hard to move and could be a potential road-paver for Fast Willie. The Steel-City will love his blue-collar approach and humble roots as long as they don’t ask him to be too mobile and pull around the end too often. He’s about a French-crueler away from keeling over.
Draft Comparison: Chris Williams, OL – Vanderbilt
Upside Potential: Flozell Adams
Downside Scare: Bob Sapp
Pick #24: [Tennessee Titans] Charlie Tweeder (Scott Caan), WR – Varsity Blues.
The Titans decide to attempt to give Vince some help at the WR spots and after so many crash-and-burns in the past, they are hopeful Tweeder is the right fit. He is very small in stature but can be considered a game-breaker who likes to improvise…sounds like he is right up Vince’s alley. Let’s just hope Pac-man does not make a reemergence in Tennessee. Knowing Tweeder’s affinity for the local gentlemen’s establishment it could be trouble if those two ever get together.
Draft Comparison: Harry Douglas, WR – Louisville
Upside Potential: Tim Dwight
Downside Scare: Jeremy Bloom
Pick #25: [Seattle Seahawks] Brian Murphy (David Denman), TE – The Replacements.
An amazing story, Murphy is has overcome his deafness to become a first-round pick in the NFL. He has average size and speed, but will fit in nicely within the Hawks’ scheme. He will easily become a fan-favorite after following the loud-mouthed and under-producing Jerramy Stevens. The only worries here are that family members say he hasn’t been the same since he was dumped by longtime fiancé Pam for some other dude named Jim.
Draft Comparison: Dustin Keller, TE – Purdue
Upside Potential: Dallas Clark
Downside Scare: Doug Jolley
Pick #26: [Jacksonville Jaguars] Phillip Finch (Tab Thacker), DL – Wildcats.
A mammoth D-Lineman who also has incredible agility for his size (wrestled in college – the real Tab Thacker anyway). He will add depth to the sub-par D-Line spots in Jax and will be a force in the run game. A background check reveals a tendency toward gambling, on anything really, and should be a concern of the Jags.
Draft Comparison: Sedrick Ellis, DL – USC
Upside Potential: John Henderson
Downside Scare: Alan Branch
Pick #27: [San Diego Chargers] Patrick “Madman” Kelly (Andrew Bryniarski), OL – Any Given Sunday.
Kelly is a ruthless punisher on the O-Line who can bring back the swagger the Chargers running game lost a little of last season. He seems to be a little schizophrenic and claims to embody more players than just himself, such as fellow 1st round pick Steve Lattimer. Funny enough, those same steroid speculations follow him too.
Draft Comparison: Gosder Cherilus, OL – Boston College
Upside Potential: Marcus McNeill
Downside Scare: Juan Roque
Pick #28: [Dallas Cowboys] Megget (Nelly), RB – The Longest Yard.
A tiny little guy who possesses uncanny speed and cutting ability, Johnson will be able to spell Barber who becomes the workhorse after Jones’ departure. His struggle will be to figure out if he can handle the beating of the NFL but he shouldn’t spend too much time between the tackles anyway. A potential rap-gang related past could come back to haunt him in Big-D.
Draft Comparison: Chris Johnson, RB – East Carolina
Upside Potential: Brian Westbrook
Downside Scare: Travis Minor
Pick #29: [San Francisco 49ers] Clifford Franklin (Orlando Jones), WR – The Replacements.
The Niners try to bolster their receiving core further with Franklin, an all-around solid receiver. He had great interviews with the team and apparently left a memorable mark on their minds. He is at the tail end of a deep receiving class so it is a mystery as to what his immediate impact will be. It won’t matter much anyway unless Alex Smith finds a way to get him the ball.
Draft Comparison: James Hardy, WR – Indiana
Upside Potential: Brandon Marshall
Downside Scare: Troy Williamson
Pick #30: [Green Bay Packers] Joe Kane (Craig Sheffer), QB – The Program.
The Pack register a stunning surprise pick with Kane, effectively shortening Aaron Rodgers’ leash even more. Kane is a guy from a big-time college program but comes to the Packers with big-league problems already, having fought a drinking problem throughout his career. He might be a system QB and probably had more weapons in college than he will in Green Bay, but as long as he manages the game and doesn’t turn the ball over he could be a decent alternative to the Farve-taught gunslinger in Rodgers.
Draft Comparison: Chad Henne, QB – Michigan
Upside Potential: Matt Schaub
Downside Scare: Chris Weinke
Pick #31: [New England Patriots] Pick Forfeited
Pick #32: [NY Giants] Alvin Mack (Duane Davis), LB – The Program.
The G-Men desperately need to add depth to the LB core and manage to get a great find in Mack. The biggest question with Mack is how he has recovered from a devastating leg injury during his college career. Scouts were amazed it did not end his playing days entirely, but the Giants are happy that he fell this far due to those concerns. He has great instincts for a LB but rumors abound that he could not even read the contract the Giants offered him. The one thing he did know how to spell, however, was his name on that N-F-L contract.
Draft Comparison: Jerod Mayo, LB – Tennessee
Upside Potential: Patrick Willis
Downside Scare: Kendrell Bell
OTHER PICKS…COMING TOMORROW