A Commercial Christmas Break
Are you having some trouble getting into the spirit of the holiday season? Are you missing that “Yule” to fuel your log? Are your shorts getting warm because there are more than just chestnuts roasting on the open fire? Why is Santa so angry all the time?
Ok, maybe all but that last question may be true for you, but believe it or not, they are ALL true for some of us. The Movie Mind is growing increasingly irritated by the nonsense surrounding what is supposed to be a hap-hap-happy time of year! It seems like we are increasingly bombarded with commercial nonsense every year at this time.
The Movie Mind has decided to call these frauds on their commercial and depressing propaganda they push our way. For every A Christmas Story, there is a Jingle All the Way. I understand the need for holiday-themed movies, but I would much rather watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 47 times in a row then have to endure another “clever” new holiday release about one of the other things that suck about Christmas. Do you know how Jingle All the Way was born into theatres? You shouldn’t. Some anti-holiday-cheer movie studio decided to take one of the worst parts of the holidays (crazed Christmas shoppers drooling and fighting over the Cabage-Patch Kids) and turn it into a feature length film.
How many times does that happen? Do you see many Root Canal: The Introspective movies hitting theatres? What about if every spring-time came the release of your new cinematic version of Form 1099: The IRS Fights Back II? I don’t know about you but I cannot stand the wait until Quarterly Shareholder Meetings Gone Awry makes it to the big screen.
The Movie Mind calls out the frauds for what they are…vicious attempts to ruin our holiday cheer, which as most of you know, gets harder and harder to muster up the older you get. There are too many real-life versions of the “Cheese of the Month Club” given as a Christmas bonus (remember, it’s the gift that keeps on giving Clark) than to have to endure the horrible displays of cinematic corruption this time of year.
Now presenting…The Anti-Christmas Christmas Movies – a.k.a. Christmas Movies That Belong in a Smelly Dumpster (sorry, but it’s the meanest thing I could muster up at what is supposed to be a cheery time of year, not to mention anything worse would be further propagating the problem at hand therefore making the issue worse while acting like a hypocrite and – never mind, here it is):
15) Deck the Halls (2006)
o It pains me to rip on anything with the King of Cool, Ferris Bueller. But this movie took one funny scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and tried to turn it into 2 hours on the big screen. Without Chevy carrying it on his back it is hopeless.
14) All I Want for Christmas (1991)
o Way to let every kid of a divorced family who can’t get them back together feel like they are a failure.
13) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
o This movie gets credit for starting the horrible Christmas movie trends. Congratulations!!
12) Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
o Any movie that has angry mothers picketing over depicting Santa Claus as an axe-wielding murderer is doomed from the start. It is for the controversy alone that it is not the worst Christmas movie ever. Just go to your local shopping mall after Mall-Santa has pulled a double shift and had his liquid lunch and you will learn there are enough reasons for kids to be deathly afraid of the guy. There’s no need to put a bloody axe in his hand too. Unless of course Mall-Santa has pulled a triple-shift.
11) Christmas With the Kranks (2004)
o Tim Allen + Christmas = converting to Judaism.
10) Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
o Even though it’s one of the worst-Christmas movies, it is probably in the top 50% of Ernest movies of all-time, right there above Slam Dunk Ernest, Ernest Scared Stupid, and Ernest Goes to Splash Mountain. No, seriously, it is.
9) I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1998)
o It must run in the “Home Improvement” family that even the spawn of Tim Allen’s show carry on his legacy of making sucky Christmas movies. Jonathan Taylor Thomas (did he ever earn the right to be called three names?) is a disgrace to the movie business. And we wonder why the cute child actors who grow up only to realize they have no talent become screwed up?
8) The Santa Clause 3 (2006)
o See both below. Did we really have to endure this three times and Martin Short to boot? It would have been waaaay funnier if the serial-killer Jack Frost was fighting Tim Allen instead of Jiminy Glick.
7) The Santa Clause 2 (2002)
o See Below. Couldn’t we at least bring Santa back and have him avenge his murder by stringing Tim Allen up by his insides? Of course not…instead we get to see Tim the Tool (Editor’s note: deleted “Man Taylor”, now is just “Tim the Tool”) on a horny rampage looking for Mrs. Claus. He should’ve flown his sled over to Amsterdam; it would have saved us 90 minutes of our Christmas holiday.
6) The Santa Clause (1994)
o Tim Allen is to Christmas movies as Brendan Fraser is to every other movie not titled School Ties. He has a virtual stranglehold on the bad Christmas movie market. Normally I would give a little bit of credit to the original movie over the sequels, but if they scrapped this awful movie from the start there never would have been any others. I never believed that killing Santa is good for a holiday film on any level.
5&4) Jack Frost (1996 & 1998)
o I am a bit confused why they put out two movies with the exact same name as each other released just a year apart. The first is about a psychotic serial-killing snowman, the other one a dead guy reincarnated as a snowman. Was the intention to confuse us…in a good way? After seeing both, I am still confused about which plot is which. Was this the serial killing snowman or the one where Michael Keaton gets killed in a car-wreck before Christmas and comes back as a just-as-creepy-looking snowman? Aaahhh…same damn thing anyway. They both suck.
3) Jingle All the Way (1996)
o Here’s a novel concept for the sequel to this garbage…how about telling that stupid spoiled brat of a kid you have “NO”. This is a truly unique and forward-thinking method of child-rearing that some parents should look into. Unfortunately to some, it is viewed in the same light as water-boarding the kid or chaining them up in the basement.
2) Surviving Christmas (2004)
o A chillingly pathetic plot about some loser rich kid who has to pay a family to let him be part of their Christmas. And who does he choose to pay….James Gandolphini. Jimmy is about 10 times warmer when he plays Tony Soprano. So then Ben Affleck tries to become part of their family since his own has moved without telling him…wait, did I just say Ben Affleck? Now I know why his family moved away. ‘Nuff said.
1) Santa With Muscles (1996)
o Never before has a movie title been able to perfectly describe the entire plot of a movie than this one. Hulk Hogan has to dig goes deep inside his acting chops to effectively play an angry, roided-out millionaire who thinks he is Santa. Thanks for single-handedly ruining Christmas Hulk-ster.