Starring: Toby Maguire, Kristen Dunst, Topher Grace
Movie Mind Says: Wait for Pay-Per-View
Ever think Toby Maguire couldn’t possibly be a bigger dork then he already is? If you want to spend a Friday night answering that question (which is a resounding YES, by the way), then by all means go see Spidey 3. If not, stay home and enjoy those three hours of your life–catalog your coin collection, rearrange your bowling trophies, or try your hand at writing a film review. Just don’t feel like you missed out on anything.
This movie epitomizes the Memorial Day blockbuster, for all the wrong reasons. Fist let me cover some brief positives: the action scenes are entertaining, but dizzying at times, and there are some moments of amusement (the laughing “at you” kind, not laughing “with you”). Other than that, all the Project Runway fans should get turned-on from Spidey’s sleek new costume, unfortunately not as much as when Val Kilmer’s Batman costume got frozen nipples.
So why am I so down on this flick? Let’s see: Spidey has an “inner-demons” war within himself, caused by some strange goo that just happened to fall out of the sky. Only, he can control it sometimes, and not others. While Toby Maguire has served an effective role as the uber-dork, Peter Parker, in the first two installments, the third adds a stretch where Parker starts to believe his own hype and tries to act cool…which is well out of the realm of what Maguire is capable of making believable.
The villains seemed to be an afterthought in the writing of the movie, inserted in odd places for weird reasons. The plot is complicated by the “Sandman,” who is a bad-dude with good intentions. Why doesn’t he get a job with healthcare coverage so he doesn’t have to rob banks for his daughter? Three movies later the writers decide to fit him into the murder of Parker’s beloved Uncle Ben …where was your Spidey-sense on that one buddy? Also, how did the second “Bad-Spidey” (who looks like he was bit by a rabid dog), the begrudged photographer after Parker’s job, become tougher than the real Spiderman? Apparently this new black-suit is more powerful then the radioactive spider that bit Parker and from which the whole Spiderman franchise was based!! Not to mention a random and disturbing scene where he turns to church and asks God to kill Peter Parker.
Still, the saddest part in round three of Spidey was that the story-line they spent three long and expensive movies developing was foiled in the matter of one-movie minute with a pathetic “The Butler Did It” plot-killer. The struggle between Parker’s best-friend and arch-nemesis Harry (and best-friend and arch-nemesis again, and then finally hero) could have been aborted all along if the damn butler opened his mouth sooner to set the record straight with Harry!
Sorry for being cynical, but I’m a little tired of Spiderman living in some gross shoebox apartment and not having enough dough to buy an engagement ring. Is he seriously not yet on the NYPD payroll? Batman had a mansion and even Superman had a cushy high-rise condo. The kid gets a key to the city yet can’t get the door to his apartment unstuck? Is this what I endured ridicule for and braved the theaters filled with parents and their annoying kids dressed in giant spider costumes?
This was nothing more than a billion-dollar budget piece of garbage that will now taint the decent franchise that came before it. Then again, the franchise owners will probably rake in a small fortune and keep turning out crap until Toby Maguire gets busted in Tijuana carrying HGH 20 years from now. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
If You Like This You Should Watch: Waterworld, War of the Worlds, Any other big-budget holiday release flop
Better Than: The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Worse Than: Spiderman 1, Spiderman 2, The Fantastic 4